Curse These, Sleepless nights.
Each night, I lie in my bed, my head full. Thoughts and words that swim constantly, around and around.
I want to close my eyes and slip away. I want to dream. But it never happens. I can't shut my brain off. I relive my childhood, the pain, the guilt, it all comes flooding back. I can't find my way off, this not so merry go round.
I toss and turn, my bedding wrapped around my body, irritating me. Everything irritates me. Then my eyes begin to itch. The temptation to scratch them is just too much and before I know it, I am weeping.
The more I try and relax, the more agitated I become.
So I give in and I switch on my bedside light. I mean, what's the point, why should I continue to torture myself.
I look for a book, preferably something light hearted. Something to take my mind off, of this inner struggle, that I have. To just let go, to allow myself to relax.
Cos deep down, I don't believe that anything should come easy to me. Deep down, I believe that I should struggle, like all those who have gone before me.
Why should I, be any different, I don't deserve any special treatment. Life is fucking hard.
I try to cut these thoughts off, before they really begin to manifest, but it's hard. The less I sleep, the less control I have.
As everyone else sleeps, I torture myself. My thoughts digging me deeper, into feelings of low self worth. Every night I bury myself.
Everyone likes to give me advice. Be more active during the day. Meditate. No screens for a least three hours before bed. Drink enough water, eat healthy food. Practice mindfulness.
I have tried it all and yet here I am, in the early hours of the morning. Battling with myself. Torturing myself, unable to switch my mind off. The mind that keeps me awake.
So I try to just stay awake, perhaps the next night I will be so tired, I will fall asleep and then the cycle will finally be broken.
My five minutes are up. I have suffered with sleepless nights, it is something that comes and goes and yes I follow advice. But life itself is so unpredictable, we can never really know what is around the next corner. In the end. I just have to let go. If I sleep, I sleep, if not I don't. I refuse to battle with myself any longer.
The image used is my own.
