Were you watching, I wonder, with a curious glance
When innocent me, still young and bright,
Did face the world, like a deer in a trance
Caught in a speeding truck's headlight?
Did you see how it rammed me down,
Smashed my confidence, crushed my smile?
Left me with an apathetic frown,
A broken heart and a jagged guile?
Did you notice the hunger in my eyes?
Or the thickening cloud of choking fears
Did you know that half my words were lies?
Did you see the film of glistening tears?
You only knew me as a sweet little child
When my heart was pure and my eyes had joy
When I ran through life, my will quite wild
Like the forceful dreams of an innocent boy
But dreams end, and I too did wake
Amidst the fury of raging needs
In a world which knows just how to unmake
A spirited soul until it bleeds
My dreams were nought but ashes then
The child in me was well nigh dead
I walked in a world of grim grown men
And slept dreamless on a ricketty bed
Were you watching, I wonder, when joyless me
Remembered a faint notion of life
When I recalled anew what it meant to be
Like a child who has not seen any strife?
Once again, I was standing tall
No more like a man who bends and copes
In spite of the dreary, growing pall
In this ossuary of broken hopes
Life was still hard, I did still tire
Time and time again, I indeed failed
But this time, I was as if on fire
No matter how painfully I ailed.
Did you see me, burning through life
Like a madman in a manic craze?
Alike in work and joy and strife
My will undaunted, my soul ablaze?
Do you wonder what awakened me
From the slumber of sorrowful despair
What vital melody could it be
To make me dance without a care?
The truth is, I do not remember how
It happened over time that a rage built
What I felt then, I know not now
Amid sorrow, remorse, despair and guilt
One day, I suppose, burdened in pain
I dreamt of better times in the past
And thought, "fuck it, I'll try again!
As long as this hope can last!"
I suppose I just wanted to run away
To make this vile torture stop
And as I ran, I found a way
The dark clouds had burst with a pop
Were you watching, I wonder, with a pitiful gaze
When my blazing courage again burnt out?
When, lost anew in life's old maze,
My heart cried again in a silent shout?
This time, it was worse by much
I had believed myself to be so strong
I had tried much harder, and as such
The failure felt even more wrong
This was never meant to be!
I was ablaze! How could I fall?
How could this vile world not see?
I had given this my very all!
I could not eat, I could not sleep
I could not even cry full tears
But deep inside, I'd weep and weep
As I felt the weight of bygone years
I was not young any longer now
No longer could I hope for the next time
Soon age and time would make me bow
My hair would whiten like a reaper's chime
I had lost my way in the game of life
I was stuck in place but life was moving on
One thought cut through me like a knife:
Soon every opportunity would be gone
Over and over, this happened again
I would rise in hope and be dulled once more
I would blaze for a few days, ignoring all pain
And then be burnt like ashes, each limb sore
Like sparks in darkness, sparse and few
My good days came and I tried my best
And then my heart weighed down anew
Like a parachute failing a quality test.
Were you watching, I wonder, every day
As I grew wise through rise and fall
Till one day, I had found my way
And could truly stand up proud and tall?
Bit by bit, I failed a little less
I succeeded more, I tripped less too
I learnt to untangle from this mess,
To do what is good, to value what is true.
Each blow upon my mind and heart
Was like a blacksmith making a masterful strike
Life made me complete, like a work of art
Evening out each scar and spike
My fear abated, my hands grew firm
My gaze grew warm again in hope
My back rose straight, I did not squirm
Or bend or bow like a flaccid rope
You watch me now, when I am mature
When the skin around my eyes are wrinkled
When my heart beats tranquil and pure
When a calm, upon my mind, is sprinkled