Forgiveness (When “Let It Go” Isn’t Helpful)
Content advisory: This episode discusses betrayal, addiction recovery, family conflict, religious pressure, and emotional wounds.
Recorded December 13, 2025, features host Greg Shaw with co-hosts Rich, Jay, Liam, Derek, Sam, and Sarah.
Episode 15 takes an honest, grounded look at forgiveness - what it is, what it is not, and why it can feel so hard. The conversation moves through betrayal, boundaries, self-forgiveness, family wounds, addiction recovery, faith, and the physical and emotional costs of holding resentment.
Rather than pushing “just let it go,” this episode emphasizes truth, safety, pacing, and compassion. Forgiveness is presented as a practice, not a demand, something that unfolds over time, sometimes unevenly, and often alongside grief and growth.
Forgiveness Does Not Require Reconciliation
Listeners are reminded that forgiveness does not require reconciliation, apologies, or forgetting, and that self-forgiveness may be the hardest work of all.
This conversation takes forgiveness out of the “inspirational quote” zone and puts it back where real people live: messy pain, slow healing, strong boundaries, and honest self-talk.
If you’ve ever felt pressured to forgive before you were safe or ready, you’ll likely feel seen here.
This episode shares personal reflections and is not a substitute for professional advice.
In this episode, you’ll explore:
Why forgiveness is a process, not a switch you flip
The difference between forgiveness and reconciliation
Why you can forgive and still set firm boundaries
Why self-forgiveness can be the hardest part
Practical frameworks like REACH, plus gentle next steps
What Forgiveness Is (and What It Isn’t)
Greg opens by naming the tension many people feel: forgiveness can be “beautiful and brutally hard.” He makes it clear the show isn’t here to guilt anyone or rush them.
“We’re not here to guilt you, rush you or hand you a slogan like just let it go.” - Greg
A helpful, widely used definition is that forgiveness is a deliberate choice to release resentment or vengeance, even when the offender doesn’t “deserve it.” Importantly: forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending the harm wasn’t serious, and it doesn’t require reconciliation.
Greg says it plainly:
“Forgiveness is not forgetting… It’s not saying that it was fine… and it’s certainly not the same as trust or reconciliation.” - Greg
Research Context
Major health organizations note that holding onto grudges can keep the body in stress states, while forgiveness practices are linked to better mental and physical outcomes (like lower stress, fewer depression symptoms, and lower blood pressure).
That doesn’t mean forgiveness is a magic cure. It means your body and mind often pay a price when resentment becomes a long-term home.
“Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life.”
Boundaries: Forgiveness Doesn’t Equal Access
Rich addresses one of the most common questions people ask:
“Forgiveness and access are related, but they’re not the same thing.” - Rich
He reframes boundaries in a way that feels both kind and strong:
“Boundaries are not punishment. They’re information.” - Rich
This section is especially important for anyone who has been pressured to “make up,” “go back,” or “be the bigger person,” even when the relationship still isn’t safe.
Rich’s key point:
“Forgiveness is about release, not reunion.” - Rich
A practical way to think about it
Forgiveness: your inner work (releasing rumination, revenge fantasies, corrosive anger)
Reconciliation: mutual work (trust, safety, consistent change, accountability)
Mayo Clinic echoes this distinction: forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing harm and doesn’t necessarily mean reconciling.
Gentle boundary prompt (for journaling):
“What level of access feels safe for me right now?”
“What would I need to see over time for trust to rebuild?”
“What boundaries protect my nervous system?”
The “Aftershocks”: Why Pain Can Return After You Forgive
Jay speaks directly to the fear many people carry:
“Just because you feel angry, sad, and triggered does not mean that you did it wrong.” - Jay
This matters because lots of people interpret returning anger as proof they “failed forgiveness.” This episode pushes back hard on that shame.
Greg also names the same idea earlier:
“You can decide to forgive long before your feelings catch up.” - Greg
A helpful framework: decisional vs. emotional forgiveness
Greg references forgiveness researcher Everett Worthington and describes two layers:
Decisional forgiveness: choosing not to seek revenge; choosing to treat someone as still human
Emotional forgiveness: the slower shift where bitterness gradually loosens its grip
Worthington’s REACH model is a practical tool often used to support that emotional process. Research on REACH-based interventions has found meaningful improvements in forgiveness and mental health outcomes in multiple settings.
“Some days you feel free, other days the memories sting again… it means you’re human.” - Rich
Micro-skill for “forgiveness aftershocks”:
Name it: “This is a trigger. My body remembers.”
Breathe lower and slower (even 3 breaths).
Re-choose your value: “I’m choosing peace today.”
Redirect gently (not forcefully): a short walk, music, a grounding object, or texting a safe person.
Family, Regret, and Forgiving Without Closure
Liam shares something many people quietly live with: waiting too long, hoping there will be “time later.”
“Don’t wait to forgive, because you don’t know if you’ll get the chance again.” - Liam
His story includes betrayal, distance, and the added pain of dementia changing what closure could look like. This is a tender reminder that forgiveness sometimes becomes an internal act, something you do for your own healing, even when the other person can’t participate anymore.
Derek adds a different angle: refusing to let anger erase the entire story of a relationship.
“I’m not going to negate the entirety of our relationship… wonderful moments… I will still always lovingly embrace that.” - Derek
And he gives a grounded practice: come back to what’s real and present - basic comforts, breath, and perspective, so resentment doesn’t become a full-time emotional job.
“Take a step back, breathe… don’t take some of the simple pleasures in life for granted.” - Derek
Self-Forgiveness: Shame Isn’t a Life Sentence
This episode repeatedly returns to one truth: self-forgiveness can be the hardest kind. Jay speaks openly about addiction recovery and the long shadow of guilt:
“One of the hardest things I ever had to do was forgive myself for being an addict… destroying my family’s lives.” - Jay
He also shares hope:
“I have just over 11 years of sobriety.” - Jay
Greg responds with honesty about his own struggle with shame and self-talk:
“Shame is one of the most useless emotions around.” - Greg
He references a recovery line many people know from the “promises” section in Alcoholics Anonymous literature:
“We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”
Greg’s self-forgiveness theme is not “let yourself off the hook.” It’s more like:
tell the truth
learn what you can
make amends when possible (and safe)
stop using self-punishment as a fake form of growth
“Owning mistakes is important, but constant self blame doesn’t heal.” - Greg
Faith and Forgiveness (Without Weaponizing It)
Greg also talks about forgiveness through a Christian lens, carefully emphasizing that forgiveness is not cheap, not rushed, and often beyond what a person can force inside themselves.
He shares the Corrie ten Boom story as an example of “strength beyond human strength,” while still saying clearly that people have different timetables and paths.
“This doesn’t erase the horror or mean everyone must forgive in the same way or on the same timetable.” - Greg
If you come from faith spaces where forgiveness was used as pressure, Sarah’s comments land with a lot of truth:
“Growing up in a religious household, I heard this a lot… it made me way too easy to forgive.” - Sarah
And her main recommendation is pacing and support:
“It just takes a lot of therapy… you can’t be ready to forgive anybody until you work your own way through it.” - Sarah
Key Takeaways
Forgiveness is a process, not a moment.
Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation, you can forgive and still keep distance.
Boundaries can be wise, kind, and necessary.
Feeling triggered after forgiving doesn’t mean you failed, your body and heart heal in layers.
Self forgiveness requires honesty without ongoing self punishment.
Support helps: trusted people, groups, therapy, recovery communities.
Forgiveness can be part of healing, but you don’t have to rush it.
Question for Hivians
What does forgiveness mean to you right now, today, not in theory?
Your words may help someone else feel less alone.
Listen to The Podcast
https://open.spotify.com/episode/2mNVxuHg6GwBeg494lFBMO
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Resources & Links Mentioned
Below are the episode resources. If a link ever fails, it may have moved, try visiting the main site for that resource.
Forgiveness Stories & Teaching
Corrie Ten Boom: Forgiveness Testimony (Video) - A well-known story of forgiving beyond human strength.
Everett Worthington: “The Keys to Forgiving the Unforgivable” (Video) - Decisional vs. emotional forgiveness + REACH.
Brené Brown: “Still Hurting? Here’s When to Forgive, and When to Let Go” (Video) - Forgiving vs reconnecting.
Brené Brown: “How to Forgive Yourself for Things You Still Feel Guilty About” (Video) - Shame, guilt, accountability, self-compassion.
Alan Watts: “How to Forgive Yourself and Forgive the World” (Video) - Reflective talk on mistakes and being human.
Evidence Based Forgiveness Tools & Worksheets
PositivePsychology.com: “24 Forgiveness Activities, Exercises, Tips, and Worksheets”
https://positivepsychology.com/forgiveness-exercises-tips-activities-worksheetsMentalyc: Forgiveness Therapy Worksheet (Free PDF)
https://www.mentalyc.com/worksheets-and-cheatsheets/forgiveness-therapy-worksheetBetween Sessions: Practicing Forgiveness Using the REACH Technique (Worksheet/PDF)
https://www.betweensessions.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/Practicing-Forgiveness-Using-the-REACH-Technique_042622_ad.pdfHuman Flourishing Program (Harvard): Your Path to REACH Forgiveness (Workbook PDF)
https://hfh.fas.harvard.edu/sites/g/files/omnuum8886/files/2025-04/HFH_REACH%20WB_ALL_Digital_1-Page_Spreads_Final_April_28_2025__0.pdf
Note: Some browsers struggle with large PDFs; if it doesn’t load, try again later or access via the Human Flourishing Program site.
Therapist Aid: “What Is Forgiveness?” Worksheet
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/what-is-forgivenessTava Health: “Reaching Forgiveness” Worksheet (PDF)
https://insights.tavahealth.com/hubfs/Marketing%20Resources/Forgiveness%20Worksheet.pdfEverett Worthington: REACH Forgiveness DIY Workbooks
DIY workbooks page: https://www.evworthington-forgiveness.com/diy-workbooks
Main site: https://www.evworthington-forgiveness.com/Discover Forgiveness: The REACH Forgiveness Workbook
https://www.discoverforgiveness.org/tools/the-reach-forgiveness-workbookForgive Self: Self-Forgiveness Workbook (“Moving Forward” companion)
https://forgiveself.com/workbooks/20150903%20Self-Forgiveness%20Intervention%20Workbook.pdfGreater Good in Action: “Nine Steps to Forgiveness” (Luskin)
https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/nine_steps_to_forgivenessGreater Good in Action: “Eight Essentials When Forgiving” (Enright)
https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/eight_essentials_when_forgiving
Kindness & Self-Kindness Resources
Random Acts of Kindness Foundation: “The Science of Kindness” (Video page)
https://www.randomactsofkindness.org/kindness-videos/18-the-science-of-kindnessRandom Acts of Kindness Foundation: Main Site
https://www.randomactsofkindness.orgGreater Good in Action: “Random Acts of Kindness” Practice
https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/random_acts_of_kindnessGreater Good in Action: “Self-Compassion Break”
https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/self_compassion_breakGreater Good Science Center: “Being Kinder to Yourself” (Video & Podcast)
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/video/item/how_to_be_kinder_to_yourselfKristin Neff: Self-Compassion Guided Practices
https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-practices
If This Episode Was Triggering or You’re in Crisis
United States: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: https://988lifeline.org
Crisis Text Line (U.S.): Text HOME or HOLA to 741741: https://www.crisistextline.org
The Trevor Project (U.S.): https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help
UK & ROI: Samaritans: https://www.samaritans.org
Australia: Lifeline: https://www.lifeline.org.au
Canada (youth): Kids Help Phone: https://kidshelpphone.ca
If you want a simple “why this matters” you can share with a friend:
Forgiveness is commonly defined as a deliberate release of resentment or vengeance, and it does not require condoning, forgetting, or reconciling.
Health orgs note that forgiveness practices are linked with better mental health and stress outcomes, while chronic anger can keep the body in fight-or-flight.
Forgiveness skills can be learned and practiced over time (including structured approaches like REACH).
Closing
Forgiveness, in this episode, isn’t a performance. It’s not denial. It’s not “being nice.” It’s a slow reclaiming of your peace - sometimes alongside grief, distance, and truth-telling. If anything here resonates, you’re invited to share (only what feels safe) in the comments:
#podcast #forgiveness #selfforgiveness #mentalhealth #recovery # boundaries #kindness #hivecommunity #cwh #creativeworkhour
Edited with the assistance of ChatGPT, images created using Nano Banana. I hold a commercial license for both.