Earlier today I was conversing with a friend about a miscommunication that took place and at the end of it, I apologized for the role I played in the miscommunication and the misunderstanding that was the final result. They actually stopped me in my tracks and said "No, you don't need to apologize". I was later thinking about that while washing the dishes and it reminded me of Rochelle Barrish's story in 21 Life Lessons @ 21.
Rochelle - who I have had the pleasure of speaking with a handful of times each of which was extremely enjoyable and humourous - is a loud, proud and larger than life personality. Her bouyant and jovial personality is something that I greatly admire about her, but she wasn't always this outspoken. In the book she relays an experience from her childhood of the day she was shown that she needed to stop feeling like an inconvenience to everyone around her.
She had been walking with her aunt as a kid in Adderley Street and they needed to cross the roadw. While apologizing for being a pedestrian, profusely thanking the waiting driver and apologizing for what seemed like her mere existance - her aunt incredulously told her to stop apologizing, stop hurrying and simply cross the road - the driver had yielded right of way to them - the driver had made the conscious decision to wait for them to get safely across the road.
Clearly this had a profound effect on Rochelle who later started questioning why she always felt the need to make herself smaller to suit those around her, apologize for everything as if her existance was an inconvenience to them. I find it so hard to believe as the Rochelle that I know is not that woman at all, however I then turned the mirror on myself. Was I not perhaps being that woman as well?
I tend to apologize for a lot of things. It is always wholeheartedly meant and I genuinely do feel a sense of remorse when I am a plonker to someone else. It is not just a word or sentence simply thrown around to placate someone in my vicinity. When I say or do something that causes conflict or difficulties, I am not afraid to acknowledge the role I played and how my actions may have affected someone else negatively.
I am quite an analytical person and I tend to overthink things occassionally to find out where something went wrong. I will then also acknowledge where I caused or contributed to the issue at hand and will apologize for my part in it so that it can be rectified with whatever remedial action necessary, lessons learned and applied in future to prevent the same scenario from re-occuring. While I was evaluating the situation, I realized that the issue at hand had actually been rooted in and caused by my own insecurity as a person and feeling like I was an inconvenience, a nuisance - essentially feeling the need to apologize for my existance. How utterly ridiculous and yet, I am sure that there are many of us who from time to time feel this way and make ourselves "small" as a result. This is learnt behaviour stemming from being treated as insignificant as a child.
Rochelle overcame her need to apologize constantly by strutting the "superhero pose" every morning and while I am not entirely sure that this strategy would work for me personally, I do believe that acknowledging this as the reason and being self-aware is actually half of the way to the solution of overcoming it. I'm not saying I will never apologize again, quite the contrary - but I should never feel the need to apologize for being here, for taking up space, for being alive - I'm as worthy of grabbing life by the horns and shouting "yee-haa" as it flings me around as the next person is.
Change starts with one small step.
Have you ever caught yourself apologizing for being you? For being here? Today is a great time to turn that around. You need to have your own back. Be you, be proud. You're the only you you got.
If you would like to buy the e-book version of 21 Life Lessons @ 21, it is available online at www.21lifelessons.co.za for $12 USD ; (International) or R150 ZAR (South Africa).
The e-book can also be purchased through me using Hive or HBD
This is a bi-monthly publication. You can find the previous editions here:
Edition 1
Edition 2
Edition 3
Be awesome today.
All artwork has been used with permission from the book author and publisher
