I was able to get into the office this morning and I was hoping that it would help me draw my attention on what needs to be done, but I have found anything but focus. I don't think I have ever been so scattered in my thoughts as I am at the moment - which stresses me out a little. I used to value my ability to think well with clarity and now, I have settled for being able to think enough to get me through the day.
The CT scan I had last weekend didn't show up anything untoward, other than the dead spot in my brain from the stroke, so there is no "reason" they can give for this feeling I have in my head of late. But, something is not aligning well and if it continues this way, pretty soon I won't be able to do my job to the level required. I have no idea what happens at that point, but I don't really want to find out. Pretty much all I have left is my tenuous hold on independence and if I were to lose that and become reliant on others for my wellbeing, I think that would be the end of it, there is no coming back.
It is quite amazing what a sliver of dead brain can do to a person, or perhaps it is amazing what a sliver of healthy brain can do. So much of who we are and what we can do is ultimately so far out of our control, but because the control is "within" us, it feels like we should be able to affect it. What I have come to realize however is that despite my feelings of independence, I am near completely dependent on parts of myself that I can't do much about. So much of the way the brain works I now see as more akin to an involuntary spasm of psychological movement, with our ability to control it far more an illusion than many people seem to believe.
I was not born intelligent and I would estimate my IQ at average at best, which is something I have always accepted as just the way it is. I suspect that my IQ is likely still somewhat the same, but my effectiveness at using it has decreased significantly, essentially making me below average stupid. Sure, the testing that was done by the clinical psychologist placed me average or above, but for all intents and purposes, in order to do an average job at my role, I am going to continually struggle.
Over the last year and a half I have been dealing with this, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about how other people experience the world too. Prior to the brain event, I am one of those people who thought that we all have at least some control over the way we think and feel, but I have come to the understanding that it might be more that perhaps some of us only, have some control.
Perhaps it is like an addiction of some kind, where some people have the willpower to not get addicted in the first place, some have the power to end an addiction and some, once addicted, have very little ability to affect the outcome, they just don't have it in their DNA. Most people I have talked to about this refuse to accept it, but my own experience pre and post stroke has shown me how big an impact relatively small parts of the brain can have. And sure, while mine is affected by stroke, each of us have different neural circuitry that we have very little understanding of and very low ability to direct its change.
I get the sense that a lot of the literature on these things also suffers from a survivor bias, where the success that some people has is not actually replicable across everyone, it is just that it happened to work for them. This also means that the people it doesn't work for, get blamed as if it is their fault for not trying hard enough, or not being committed enough. This is at least partly because of this socially accepted idea that we can each "be anything" we put our mind to, but for anyone who has a modicum of sense, they will have realized that it is utter bullshit.
Even the ability to "commit" is driven by factors that are outside of our control, so anything that requires commitment might be out of reach from people who do not have that hardwiring within them. Similarly, motivation and drive, as well as attitude and personality might be outside of our locus of control too, which means that we might not have the resources to affect the conditions of ourselves to deal with what we face well.
However, having said this, it doesn't mean that we can't each try to improve, even if our failure is most likely inevitable. There is little point to life, but there is even less in just giving up and accepting that nothing at all can be done. So, while I might not be able to perform anywhere near my past best, I can still try to perform at my best. The excuse of "dead brain" is there, but it doesn't get me any concessions in life that pays the bills, so I have to find a way to work with it.
While each of us might be unique, all of us are going to face various challenges throughout our lives. And while some might be worse than others, part of life is working out how to overcome them or risk being consumed by them. It is impossible to really compare experience between various events or even the same events, because we are each hardwired differently and as such, the way one person will be impacted, may vary greatly from another. The, "if I were you" statements just aren't relevant.
For me at least, talking and writing about these things does help a lot, as it allows me to "clear my mind" of some of the trash that collects as I face experiences. While I don't expect anyone to actually understand that much of what I am specifically going through, I do hope that it can help people who are going through their own things get a little respite or perhaps, build some thoughts that develops their own approaches to life, and facing and overcoming challenges. Maybe it will provide just enough to get through another day and then, look focus more clearly on the one to follow.
One day at a time.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]