For the first time in a very long time, we have a few days off together and we are planning on doing something else we haven't done in a long time;
Be social.
We have some friends visiting for a coffee that we haven't seen for over a year today, family coming for Smallsteps' birthday (which was officially in August and kept getting cancelled due to illness), then a night with a close group of my colleagues in the evening with Smallsteps going to her grandparents, and on Friday, she will go to her aunt's place for a sleepover too, which means that my wife and I might be able to do something together.
I can't remember the last time we have had such a full dance card.
It must be since before Smallsteps was born.
I am looking forward to it.
I am planning (my plans rarely eventuate) on making 2023 a year where I am out of the house a bit more, and not only for work. 2022 has given me cabin fever as I have been inside and mostly in the house much of the year, which has been detrimental to my mental health. It is not that I am an overly social person in general, but I do need external interaction with people to recharge my batteries on occasion and there has been so little of that over the last few years that I feel depleted. On top of everything else that has been ongoing, it is wearing me down, slowly, but surely.
Mental Health was never been much a concern for me before the stroke, but once that happened and changed the way I think quite profoundly and negatively, it has taken more focus. There are so many "little" things that have been affected that have taken away my ability to think clearly, process well and do the things that I enjoy - like imagining things.
That last one sounds weird perhaps, but most people have some kind of imagery that runs through their head automatically when they read or hear something, where a type of movie gets created on the back of the external prompts. My brain no longer does that and while this might not seem "that big of a deal", it is massive. So much of the world is lost to me, because I am no longer able to engage it and it affects everything I do, especially with the way I interact with people, as when they speak, nothing is running through my mind.
I don't "see" what they are talking about and I don't generate a map that can be used to add to the conversation or build a solution of any kind, if that is what they are after. This is exacerbated even further when there is a group of people talking together, as everything I "imagine" has to be created manually and when the conversation is even more dynamic, it is impossible for me to do it all on-the-fly at that kind of speed. Even with a one-on-one conversation, complexity is a major challenge. It is easier when I am writing like this, because I have the time to develop the images required for understanding and I can put them together "at leisure" into a mind map, or go back into the text to rediscover what I might have lost along the way.
As you can imagine, this loss of conversational ability has also impacted on my motivation to "get out there" and meet with people, as not only am I less engaged in the conversation, but I am constantly reminded of the inability, like a voice in my head highlighting that I am missing what is going on, over and over. I assume that this is also why I barely dream anymore and the dreams that used to be so vivid and rich, have become washed out and greyish, losing complexity and emotional depth. They are simple.
However, things are very unlikely to improve much from here on out, so I am stuck with what I am stuck with, until it degrades further with age too.
The simulation has a pretty good sense of ironic humor, because after my body failed as a teen, I relied on the "at least I have my mind" argument, which was reinforced by those around me too. My biggest fear isn't dying, it is becoming reliant on others and that relies heavily on the ability to think well. Those suffering dementia are forced into becoming completely reliant, even if they are physically healthy.
I'm losing my mind.
It might not happen today or tomorrow, but it is very likely that over the longer term and earlier than anyone would like, I am going to lose my ability to think clearly enough to do my work, then it will degrade further, until I can't do what I need in my personal life and then...
And because of this, I think that I better take a little opportunity to spend at least some time, even if it is heavily degraded time, with people I care about and, doing some things I enjoy. I don't like sitting around the house doing little of consequence, but in order to do what I feel has consequence, I need to build it up and start getting out of the house, meeting with people, rediscovering my social side and learning how to connect with people again, even though it is highly uncomfortable to do so, as each interaction I have that voice telling me I am an idiot.
Idiot is, what idiot does.
And I do idiot well.
But who knows. Perhaps at some point, that sense that life is worth it will return, if I act as if life is better and do some of the things that I used to enjoy. They might not be as enjoyable, but perhaps it will lead toward something that my brain finds useful or entertaining again. I don't know what that will be, but I am hoping I won't turn into one of those people who spends their time doing find-a-word puzzles, as if it is mentally stimulating.
Conversation. At least for me, it matters a lot, as it is a two-way street, unlike so much of the world we consume today, which is either us being pushed content from the void, or pushing content into the void - with little real conversation to be had, other than the one in our own head. We have largely become siloed into a group of one, which perhaps is what makes it difficult for me to engage with the current world of pushed content, because in my head, not much is happening.
So, I have to make something happen.
Sitting around the house isn't the way.
No matter how much easier it is to do.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]