If you've read my blog, you know I've often describes myself as the responsible one in the family. I use the word "family" lightly as I've never run across a gang of people who would slit your throat and sip the blood in my life. However, today, we talk about the matriarch of the family, my aunt.

If I could describe her as a genuine salty sea-captain, I would. She's the type of woman who's wicked-smart and definitely wore the pants in her family. I learned a lot from her and she would be the other responsible member of our extended family. Years ago when I was a kid, since she is childless, she offered me and my sister a choice of properties she owns.

Since sis was the oldest, she picked first and chose my grandmothers house. Assuming that grandmom would pass first and she'd get her inheritance quickly. I of course, was relived as that old house was haunted as hell and had a deep dark tunnel in the basement, right next to my train set. As I would play as a boy, I always kept a wary eye on that big dark hole in the wall. Even with a flashlight, you couldn't see the end of it and there was always something scurrying around in there that would cause us to run upstairs in terror. So bullet dodged.

This was a family secret for the longest time, until one day my gossipy mother spilled the beans at the kitchen table. This incited the jealousy of my other sister who we'll call "The Shark." Seeing as she was cut out from these gifts offered to us before she was born, she suddenly hatched a plan to start visiting the aunt she always hated...

You get where this is going, right?

Shark on the hunt...

She slowly began to worm her way into her life. Aunt made a surprise call to me one day, excitedly telling me that The Shark was now visiting her. She was making her move... She even had the nerve to tell me what she was going to do if she got the property that had long been promised to me.

Now, I've never had anything left to me when someone dies. We've had very few deaths in our immediate family, so I have almost no experience with this. I also feel weird receiving something after someone passes. It almost seems like being gifted for their death. As if “hey your loved one died and you won this wonderful gift!” I know very little about the process, except hearing about a huge tax bill when this happens. Needless to say, The Shark has wormed her way into what was supposed to be an inheritance left for me.

The odd thing is, she has plenty already, with a number of homes, cars and assets in her name. But greed knows no bounds and the almighty dollar is more important to her than the health of an aged relative.

She had her ear and would hours convincing her to let her in on the property. Money changes people, but she has always been this way. I'm more concerned about making it to heaven, then taking something from somebody else. Aunt calls me over for a meeting and tells me she's thinking of leaving half of the house to me and half to The Shark. She said sis had almost convinced her to cut me out entirely, but then my aunt had a dream, where her late husband told her not to, hence the proposed split.

I sighed, and seeing her wracked with guilt, decided to lift her burden right then and there. I told her that I would not know what to do with half a house. That the property was hers and she owed me absolutely nothing as she'd been a wonderful aunt to me. I did not want half a house as I'd planned on living in it and she should feel free to do with it as she pleased, with no rancor from me at all. I have no doubt that it was the right thing to do and I know I lifted a weight off of her shoulders.

She's ill now, and the last thing she needs is to worry about something like this. I know nothing about probate or what happens with property when someone dies. The Shark can deal with all of that. The important thing to me was to allow my aunt to enjoy her last years in peace without a fight over assets filling her last days.

The last laugh

I'll leave you with this. My aunt has a wicked sense of humor. She has requested special instructions of me concerning her funeral. She wants to be completely topless in an open casket. She demands to be wearing nothing but a pair of cherry-red crotchless panties, with her middle finger extended for all to see. I'm serious! :) I laughed and told her I didn't think that would be legal and might be considered "abuse of corpse" but if somehow it's allowed, I hope the first person that sees it is The Shark. Everyone is telling me her greed is a blessing in disguise, let's hope so.