I am the kind of person that probably annoys every grumpy person if I am to walk past you in the corridor. If your door is open and I am passing I will shout a "Good morning" to acknowledge the value of your existence and a new day to give life our best shot. If I get the same energy and you continue to ask me: "How are you Humbe?" I flash you a big smile, and give a default response that I have been using since my childhood: "I am great thanks, and you? Honestly, this is more of a daily song than actually expressing how I feel. Surely we cannot go around sharing our battles with everyone as not everyone really cares until they get to send R.I.P. and condolences to the families.
I have also normalized hearing people's responses as "I am fine" and I have fallen into a trap of never really mastering to decode the emotions behind the response when greeting people. The truth is most of us are good at putting on an "all is well mask". One can easily miss out when people we care about are dying inside. What is more frustrating and heartbreaking when you look back is when they used text to reach out and you misunderstand it to be the usual small talk. Admittedly I was not good at decoding emotions from small talk like: hello Humbe, how are you? What are you up to?
This type of texting seems to lack a sense of urgency to respond if the person continues to build up on that without expressing their mental distress. So if I am busy, I would tell the person what I am up to and propose to catch up later. In most cases, the conversation just dies like that and there will be no follow-ups. My poor judgment would consider it not really a big deal but just a random greeting if the person does not come back to me with more content. And that is what I did when I lost a friend to suicide. At that time we were using Blackberry Messenger which served a similar purpose to sending instant messages just like WhatsApp Messenger.
My friend was the Romeo or Jack of our time who was so in love with his girlfriend. I am used to hearing ladies being the ones who would plan their weddings from kindergarten. But this one was looking forward to his wedding as soon as he finishes his studies. There were signs of him loving his girlfriend so much and that was a good thing, so we all thought as few guys these days would opt to settle down at young age especially plan it right after they get their financial freedom.
I remember one Friday morning, I woke up to run some errands and also planned to go to the salon later in the day. We were on academic holidays and haven't checked on most of my friends. That day my friend sent me a BBM, it was also like the random small talk we often do as friends just to check on each other. My lack of reading into the text to see a cry for help got the best of me. I just did the usual and said we will catch up later because in my mind I knew he was stressing over his dam design project that was due when we re-open. So when he initiated small talk substituting "I'm fine" with "I'm trying", I assumed it had to do with that.
I never got to follow up until a Monday when I received a text that he committed suicide because his girlfriend broke up with him. I was left with mixed emotions wondering if I failed my friend and misunderstood his attempt to talk to someone. Since that day, one of my biggest fear is missing out on reading the cry for help from those who need emotional support. There is no guarantee that they will open up to us but we cannot lose anything if we try to at least follow up on conversations that we thought were just small talks when we were busy.
Some friends will only remember us when they need favors but it is worth following up and just blue-tick them if you feel being used. Every small talk has a context and ever since my friend's passing, one of my worst fears is the possibility of never finding out why the person thought of randomly texting me! I also fear not being able to get the help I need if I ever end up with a psychological breakdown. I knew my friend as someone who was too strong to give in to suicide and I am certain that he was not himself when he took that decision.
