Do as I say, not as I do.
Hello, I'm kryptik, and I'm a habitual quitter. I've quit Hive and Steem multiple times. It's not because I don't love the platform, because I do. Every time I quit blogging for a while, I always find myself crawling back for a healthy dose of what I've been missing and then realize that I don't have near enough time for the place. Honestly, Hive itself hadn't crossed my mind until I was casually scrolling the old FB when Jerry Banfield popped up in my feed randomly. (Oh, the memories.)(Also, does this guy ever wear a fucking shirt? I remember him being shirtless with an infant strapped across his chest while casually scamming Steem.)
I have been working unimaginable hours, working on finishing a degree, and I have baby number two on the way (in a couple of weeks). I'm telling you this because, I'm desperate for your upvote and want to prove I've had sex at least twice I don't want bad things to happen to you.
5. You are missing ample opportunity to become rich make very small amounts of money.
Have you ever wanted a Lambo? Healthcare? A value burrito from Taco Bell? At least one of these is very obtainable. If you manage to earn all three congrats on your successful scam operation. (
Have you dreamed of working from home and being a full-time Hive blogger? Make a vision board with a collage of all of those aspirations and burn them. Then piss on the ashes and bury them in the old "Pet Semetary."
Post every day. Wait for months for the whales to jump on your upvote button. Continue to wait while organically growing your drinking problem. Cry, a lot. The tears make a great chaser for the Taco Bell value burrito you've earned after composing a total of 247,948 words.
Congrats, you've manifested the pinnacle of Hive success.
4. Why get rich scammed on the traditional markets when you can get scammed on the crypto markets?
Money laundering with paintings is boring. Sure, it's a great cover. Art's value is subjective. It's "worth" whatever someone is willing to pay for it 😉. But that's so 1892. Step into the future and get scammed with crappy JPEGs. All the kids are doing it.
Or better yet, buy into one of the many blockchain "solutions". Have you ever wondered what the future of real estate, pet insurance, or predatory loans looks like on a distributed Microsoft Excel document? Well buddy, it's waiting for you on Web3. And so are a bunch of crappy clone apps with poor UI/UX. Who needs stonks when you can lose your money from the comfort of your own home 24/7?
3. Security is the Number One Concern.
If you have used the internet in the last 20 or so years, odds are that your password has been shown in a leak somewhere. My password originality hasn't changed since the AIM days. I really suck at trying to think of (and remembering) whatever bullshit that I thought was clever at the time of creating one. Say less, Hive has your back. Upon account sign-up make sure to grab 14 composition notebooks to write down every character in each set of keys. The fun doesn't stop with one key. There is one for every possible operation you can do on chain.
Error: You must use your logout key
Life Hack: You can alternatively brand your master key on the back of your firstborn son.
2. Change is Overrated
Infinite scrolling on all newer forms of social media may show you glimpses of pop culture, like the newest dance trend or people shitting in a bed and blaming it on animals, but you don't have to worry about that here. The world is constantly evolving and spinning towards a cataclysmic death spiral of divisiveness and hyperinflation. No one wants to read about that. Let Hive keep you on a steady trajectory of disillusion.
Give me the same articles I've been reading for the past five years like "Why (insert shitcoin here) is going to the moon" and "How to make a better paper mache mask for the next Q meetup." I don't need any personality after my 48 hour shift at work. I just want to chill with lame memes and pretend I'm getting rich.
1. You'll End Up Like This
Do I really need to write anything here? Holy fuck. This is going to haunt my dreams for a minute. In case you were wondering what happens when you quit, there it is. You end up like old Jerry boy flaunting around in a dress and wig, playing 20-year-old video games for likes on a platform that doesn't even pay you in sad boi burritos.
I rest my case.
Seriously though, I've been busy AF. Work has been brutal. School has been brutal too. I (stupidly) chose a double major in Computer Science and Neuroscience and thought I could keep up. Das new baby is imminent and my pops kicked the bucket. Das old baby is getting bigger everyday and I'm trying to be a decent father when I can make time. Love you all. Remember that occasionally when I see a low-level scammer galavanting around in a dress, I think of you <3.