There is a part of me that hurts so profoundly. It’s not about anything that’s happened to me, at least, that is not where most of the pain comes from.
It takes a female form.
She feels for anyone and everyone. She makes little distinction between self and other. She loves all things like her children and like herself.
She sees how people treat each other and it tears her apart. She sees how they treat themselves and she feels utter despair. She cannot understand why the world is designed the way it is, because she is wounded so deeply by it.
She cannot even talk about her distress because she speaks in terms that so few understand and those who do are so few and far between.
She wants nothing less than the best for everyone. She cannot help but care. The only way to silence her is to cut her out of the dialogue, to pretend she isn’t there. She will never disappear, nor should she, she is perhaps the most pure and uncorrupt part of me.
I don’t know how she broke, I just know that it happened a long time ago, perhaps before I ever even entered this body. She holds generations of pain from people and paces that I’ve never met, as well as all the ones I have.
She refuses to talk. Nothing I try will convince her. She does not mean to ignore me or to be difficult. She is trying her best not to create problems in my life. She knows that all that suffering is too much for anyone to ignore, and that I need to go about my life, to function in the world.
After persistent poking, she finally agreed to let me feel the full force of what she feels, although I suspect that she was holding back and only showed me a little fraction. It completely overwhelmed me. I could not function as I normally do, and almost fell apart.
I realize that she this is not the first time she has shown her face in my life. She used to make regular appearances in my life until she realized just how disruptive she was. Now she hides in shame. She knows that her pain weighs heavy on me and wishes not to burden me with it, but she is a part of me and so she cannot disappear. All she knows how to do to ease the burden is to hide.
I don’t know how to fix her....but I know that letting her hide in a corner of my heart is not good for anyone. She has so much to offer me and this world, and her greatest joy would be to share it.
The rest of me is working on a plan, how to let her out without causing too much chaos in my life. The first thing we came up with is to share this whoever may listen and let them know the work we are doing. We will see where it goes from there.
She is not always rational, but she is never wrong. She is misguided in her focus on all that feels wrong and so she hasn’t had a chance to share her gifts. If she could share herself, the pain would begin to transform itself and be released, leaving nothing but care in its place. She hides inside, decaying slowly, waiting for an answer to come.
I realize now that there is no one coming to save us, and no answer outside of us. I need to do everything I can for her, for myself.
Let’s see how she reacts to this, I trust she will not punish me for speaking about her openly, I know she is the origin of compassion and so I feel there is nothing to worry about.
I am looking forward to the day she greets you all.
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