I've been going through a lot of changes, no more squirming around waiting for things to happen. I know like that sounds I’m gonna be working harder or doing bigger things, and in the end it might look like that but that’s not what this is about.
I feel a new level of peace that I’ve never felt before. I am ready to really truly just go with the flow of life and enjoy the whole process. I am starting to see how the pieces all fit together and what I’m here to do.
I've been working on a whole lot of things, doing a lot of experimenting, running through all the trajectories that my life may take based on where I place my focus and I've come to a few conclusions, made a few discoveries and learned a few new skills.
The main discovery has been that I’m already doing awesome. I may not always feel like it because I haven’t gathered the support or following to make big things happen, I am still working on just being able to pay the bills and I don’t have access to a lot of the places and people and things that I imagine myself working with.
What i mean is, it’s hard to feel like you are on the right path when you are down to your last dollar every month, when you wanted to be in Amsterdam for Hivefest and Uganda for Nyege Nyege festival and visit friends in 10 other countries and you haven’t taken a holiday because you’ve been earning half the average salary of the place you live.
But that’s what building a foundation looks like. And my foundation is one of human connections, ideals and passion, so the fact that it doesn’t stand out at first, well that just comes with the territory.
I’ve built two successful online communities, one on hive and one on discord, come back from being totally outside society to being able to jump in and out of it as I please. I’ve just talked to a visa expert about helping me with my visa so I’ll be able to stay in Japan as a freelancer. Almost no one does that 😆 I’ve done the impossible.
I am having important conversations in public about culture and self-exploration and I finished my first physical publication this year.
I have stories to tell and I’m good at telling them. I have important questions to ask and I know who to ask them to.
I was worrying about the fact that only 5-15 people are willing to listen to a podcast episode, but these things will be up there forever, they could find their audience at any time. I have 100 awesome friends and acquaintances with interesting stories who would likely be willing to be on the podcast. Just the fact that I know 100 awesome people is incredible. I’m just one degree of separation away from some very successful artists as well.
None of that is important as this though, after 3 decades of being filled with anger, insecurity, depression, jealousy and resentment, my heart is finally clean and I feel more gratitude, love, curiosity and excitement than anything else.
I have a clean slate with the cards stacked in my favor, and I’ve made peace with my past so that no matter what happens, I’ll be able to make the best of it.
On the surface, things have gotten worse, yeah. The world is full of more uncertainty, I’m older and balder and my regular job prospects have shrunk pretty drastically in the past few years.
I know I’ve written versions of this before, and each time I do, it’s a sign of a new evolution. So what does this new upgrade look like?
Well it’s a whole lot more shameless of expressing love and appreciation.
I’ve always wanted to create equal relationships and so I try to play it pretty cool when it comes to my excitement for certain people and things (at least in public). I never really rave about my friends or favorite artists albums, just silently shared links, and left my gushing to private chats. I didn’t want to be perceived as a fan, because I don’t want to put anyone on a pedestal.
Now I’m starting to learn that I can rise with others, especially those who aren’t competing with me, so getting excited about their work and being a fan doesn’t necessarily mean I can’t become their friend or equal. Sometimes quite the contrary, because I have quite a lot to offer, it’s not all that easy to ignore me 😆
Also the world IS becoming more decentralized.
I’m starting to see how valuable excitement is, and I feel I should savor any kind of excitement that bubbles up in me. But instead of just wasting it, I want to channel it into my own work.
Art provides a gift to those who are inspired by it. I will never waste that gift again!
And so I’ve been thinking about how to get back into music. It’s been hard with my back issues but they are definitely improving, in ways that I didn’t even think possible for a few years. I did that all by myself while dealing with all thee other grinds, so why in the world would I feel like I’m not making progress.
I started drilling guitar scales, something I never really spent enough time doing, strengthening my pinkie finger 😂 and being able to move around the guitar better. I also started practicing Asalato, some simple hand percussion instruments that I got from a friend a few years ago.
I realized something about music though. I kept thinking I needed to produce an album because a product could help me survivor in this world and focus more on music. But I never really produced a single song to my liking. I mean, I WROTE and PERFORMED and album worth of songs that I love but I never made recorded versions of them that I love, only demos that feel….alright.
So I won’t set many goals here because this is the age of flow, but recording a single song that I’m really proud of, that’s moving up my list of priorities. Confessions of the Damaged 1.3 is also basically complete and I’m thinking of releasing it fairly soon.
So I’m not famous or rich yet. That was never my priority, so I have no reason to feel like a failure. I’m not seen as someone who has had a massive impact on the world, but I’ve seen my impact and it’s notable! Most importantly, I’m finally in love with myself, so why in the world would I complain? Bills and few views on a couple podcast episodes? Nah, I’m done with that.
Things are going well! Sending you all whatever energy you can collect from this because I know everybody has the ability to love life ❤️
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New Untangled Knots Podcast:
Exploring the Dark Side through Shadow Work (podcast)
