Image by Thomas Hawk on Flickr
In kindergarten, I was playing with my friend at recess, and somehow I upset her. She burst into tears, saying that I didn’t want to go to her house because I didn’t like her cat. Or something like that.
Our teacher, a warm, motherly woman that all of us loved, came over to console my friend. She told me—and I recognize that my memory of this is probably distorted, but this is how I recall it—“You keep upsetting people.”
It was only recently that I realized this moment (whether or not it actually happened the way I remember it) gave birth to my belief that I am a bad person who deserves to be punished.
Over the years, I would develop a mental catalogue of all the times that I ever upset anyone (intentionally or unintentionally) as well as times I said something that might have upset or offended someone, even if they didn’t show it.
On the plus side, this trait led me to develop kindness and empathy, to be considerate of others and aware of the impact that my words and actions have.
But it also created a whole lot of mental torture!
In fact, this feeling of “undeserving” can make it harder to achieve your goals—whether they’re in the area of health, finances, relationships, career, etc.—because deep down you believe you’re not really deserving of these goals. So either it’s an uphill battle with lots of struggle and little success, or you end up sabotaging any gains you do make.
It can also show up internally, as self-punishing tendencies, like dwelling in emotions that don’t feel good, not celebrating our wins, diminishing our achievements, or not allowing ourselves to indulge in small pleasures.
Now, in regards to this last point, I’m not talking about “vices” or pleasurable but destructive habits. I’m just referring to the simple things that give us joy.
For me, it’s reading fiction and watching movies (things that are NOT educational in nature—I read/watch plenty of that—but are primarily intended to entertain). Or swimming in the river, which is just a short walk from where I live.
In both cases, I typically write these activities off as too indulgent, that I have “no time.” This is not to say that my life is a completely pleasureless, austere existence. I dance—alone, in my room—nearly every day, which is something that I enjoy. But with dance, I justify it because it’s good exercise (and I spend most of my day sitting in front of a screen).
I also occasionally read “fun” articles with the justification that it’s only a few minutes. Of course, some days my discipline is weak, and I find myself reading another one of those 3 minute articles, and another, like a dieter permitting themselves just “one bite of ice cream” and before you know it, the whole container is empty (yep, as a former obsessive calorie-counter, I know that scenario well too).
Self-punishing can also show up in the form of dealing with barely functioning items, ill-fitting clothing, uncomfortable furniture, etc., even when we can afford to replace these items.
It reminds me of a scene in the movie Me, You, and Everyone We Know. Miranda July’s character is at the shoe store where John Hawke’s character works. When she removes her shoe, he notices that the back of her heel is bleeding where the skin is chafed. She writes if off as no big deal, but he tells her that she won’t buy shoes that properly fit because she is subconsciously punishing herself.
That scene really resonated with me because I, in fact, have often worn ill-fitting shoes in spite of the blisters, chafing, and stabbing pains in my feet.
Of course, in most cases, we’re not doing this intentionally. We’re doing it unconsciously, which makes it all the more likely that we will continue engaging in these patterns.
But we can become aware of it through art—through movies like the one above—or through working with teachers and coaches. I first became aware of this memory from kindergarten and the resulting behaviors through Derek Rydall’s guided shadow meditation.
Ok, so awareness is the first step. Then what?
First, I won’t pretend that my own process was a straight line (things rarely are). Like I became aware of this shadow and immediately cleared it, never to be plagued by it again.
I actually don’t remember what I did at the time, but as is usually the case, you experience a breakthrough but then life happens and eventually you find yourself engaging in those patterns once again.
But recently, I reflected on this guilt I felt, for all the “mean” things I said and did to others going back to kindergarten (actually, I have some guilt-inducing memories going back to daycare, which I’m almost certain are distorted or even completely fabricated).
Then, I thought of all the “unkind” things that classmates and peers had said to me, again going back to those early childhood years.
And people had said some pretty horrible things to me—way worse than anything I’d said to anyone else (at least I hope so)!
But was I still mad at these people? Carrying all sorts of resentment for how they’d “ruined me for life”?
Hell no!
Mostly, these memories gave me a neutral feeling. I understood that as a kid, you don’t exactly have a fully developed moral compass (especially in middle school, which is pretty much the Wild West when it comes to morals and ethics).
In some cases, I felt sympathy for these kids, as I knew from personal experience that if you say something shitty to someone else, you must be feeling even shittier.
Because when you’re feeling good, all you want to do is pour love on everyone. Like you’re on ecstasy (the kind generated from within or the pill/powder version—I know the first is preferable, but hey, sometimes we need shortcuts).
I also felt—surprisingly—gratitude. Yeah, I know gratitude is a buzzword these days and can feel a little hokey, especially when you’re forcing it.
But this was a natural gratitude that arose through no effort of my own. I was grateful to these individuals because each of them played a role in my life path and who I am today.
Sometimes I wish things had been easier. I was once asked that if I had had the opportunity to be homeschooled during middle school, would I have done it? And I said yes.
But now I feel differently.
I am grateful for all those challenges, as they have deepened my empathy and my desire to connect with others, especially those who may be struggling. When I taught teens, I had a special place in my heart for those kids I knew were struggling socially, and I made an effort to be extra supportive to them.
Plus, it makes for great writing material!
Ok, so a bit of a digression. But back to my original point, doing this perspective shift helped to alleviate the guilt I was feeling—not in an egotistical way, like “I was actually helping them on their life path!”
More in a way of giving myself grace. The thing is, in most cases we will never be aware of precisely how our actions impact others. In all likelihood, my childhood classmates had probably forgotten these statements. Most people aren’t weirdos like me who remember every single thing they said and did.
In fact, a few years ago I apologized to my parents for being such a bratty adolescent, and they honestly had no clue what I was talking about!
Regardless, we’ve all had those moments where we were not at our best. But beating ourselves up doesn’t help anyone. All we can do is resolve to be more thoughtful moving forward.
A great line from the healer Brandy Gillmore: “I’ve made mistakes, but that was growth.”
Perspective shifts, then, are a powerful way to alleviate those feelings of “undeserving.” You can also make a list of reasons you deserve to have a great life.
I get that accomplishments in the physical realm do not make us whole or complete, but the point is that writing these things can raise our vibration and activate that feeling of "deservedness."
It can even be silly things, like, “I make a great bowl of cereal.” In fact, as I’ve said before, humor is one of the best ways to blast away these dense, “icky” emotions.
Then, allow yourself to indulge in those small pleasures that you were previously depriving yourself of. Buy yourself a new, more comfortable pair of shoes. Take some time off.
Personally, I’ve been immersing myself in more fiction—reading, watching movies, or even just watching short comedy sketches. Recently, I went for a swim. It was a glorious day! And Baku appreciated it too, as you'll see below.
Photo and video by author
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