Hi! Ever had that moment when you were just cleaning your room but then you stumbled on your old stuff and surprisingly read your old-ass diary???
Welp. That happened to me.
So yeah, I was cleaning my room a month ago and found this old box full of journals. I knew which ones were overused and which ones were not used at all, cause I just so happened to collect shit I didn't need at that time.
The most used and rugged-looking one was my pink journal. The cover was velvety, and every page has a bible-verse in it. It was cool and cute. I started writing in that journal, I think, in 2012, then stopped in 2019 or 2020-ish, I guess?
Well, you get the point. I practically used and abused this journal for a good couple of years.
Fast-forward
I scanned through the pages and was amazed at how cringy and corny I was back then.
I was talking about my first love, my grudges against my parents, my anger towards my bullies, my insecurities, body dysmorphia, and shit. I even wrote a lot of song lyrics in it since Google wasn't really that helpful to me at the time. I probably only was listening to the song on my phone and wrote the lyrics by magically understanding every word. LOL.
And then I came across this specific page in my diary:
Are you ready? Hahaha. Yey. You get first dibs in reading my diary.
As you can see, I was really close to my faith at that time. I still am now, but not as fiery as before. Shit happens, and sometimes people like me gets swayed down on their path a lot. I was also struggling so much about my appearance, mostly because bullies were rampant in my elementary and high school days.
Even today, I still get body dysmorphia. Feel free to read this previous blogpost of mine titled "Paunchy Confidence," and you'll see how I'm trying to stay optimistic about my insecurities.
OKAY BUT GOING BACKKKK!
In the first picture dated March 18th, 2012, after telling something to God, I was wishing stuff that I want to get at that time in summer. Mostly it was material things. Considering I have been playing the keyboard for almost 10 years in our church, I was dreaming of wanting to have good instruments to play with.
On this part, I was writing that I hope I would be able to buy all of the things I've listed here. I don't have to rush anything, but slowly and surely, I'll be able to buy them. I was also writing that I don't want to burden my parents on their finances. (At that age, I was already fully aware of how my parents struggle so much with money, even moreso now.)
And you know what? God gave me everything I listed there.
A few years after this diary, the church provided everything I wrote. (Of course they didn't read my diary.)
The next one is the March 19th, 2012 diary.
Emotions fluctuate when you're an early bud teenager, and at this time, a lot could've happened before or while I was writing this down. It could be that something happened the night before. I don't know. But as my 16-year-old has said:
"I can't help myself thinking about the things I want to reinvent myself."
Redundant little twat.
I think I was severely depressed so early in the morning in this. I talked about how I want to have nice teeth, a fatter body, and yes, I want to have boobies.
I even draw them all out. CRINGE AF. AAAAGGGHHHH.
But yeah. I saw myself as a very ugly af person. I was so thin, my teeth had cavities in them; I ain't got no boobs and ass. I wouldn't be this depressing if it weren't for the bullies who destroyed my mental health both in elementary and high school. (If ya'll reading this, thanks a lot! I'm still suffering, guys!)
While I was reading, I felt sad for my 16-year-old self. And this part? :
This part really crushed my heart. I feel so sorry for this little girl. She suffered so much pain. It makes me think: why do bullies exist? Just why?
REALIZATIONS
Even when I was writing all of this down, I must say that I am proud of what I have become now. I have gained and achieved everything I have wished for based on the things I wrote here.
- I got my teeth fixed. I finally got to wear braces. They are not entirely perfect yet, but now I am able to smile confidently and laugh freely in front of people.
- I got a bit fatter. I think, I got waaaay too much fat on me now. Hahaha. But I am able to confidently wear anything I like. I am not ashamed of my skinny limpy arms anymore. (Though my tummy flab and lovehandles are a bit annoying. hahaha)
- I GOT THEM DAMN BOOBS. They ain't big, but they're big enough for my boyfriend to squeeze.
There are a lot of things I am thankful for and a lot of things I have contemplated while I was reading my diary. And I am thankful that everything went well in the end—that I got to have what I have wished and longed for. I still got my insecurities, but now I am able to stand and defend myself from them bullies. I also get to have positive thoughts on my beauty.
