So yesterday I read a post from 
Anywaaaaay... As I was saying I read a fun post by Stephen (apathetic nihilism excitement that Stephen and the inimitable roastmaster general and super fun witness himself 
hatched an evil plan had the cool idea of
You can find Stephen's original post HERE OR SOMEWHERE IN THE GENERAL VICINITY OF HERE...OR MAYBE THERE!!! This will give you a general idea of the depravity that lurks within his mind!!!
So being easily swayed, voted most likely to succumb to peer pressure and always the first to hop on to a bandwagon (to save my poor legs) I decided to get in on the action.
So here goes... If you are of a nervous disposition, turn back now...
Well Stephen started with a funny Halloween story so I am going to do exactly the same... Damn arch-nemesis tryna get one over on me... hmmph... We'll see about that
Funny fact one...
Last Halloween my lady and I were invited to a friends party as you can likely assume there was a fancy dress instruction or as I viewed it at the time an obligation you see I cannot be bothered with all that silliness. I am far too sensible and stern to go in for that kind of thing...
Unless I get posessed by an idea...
We were wandering the costume aisles in the stores and I was berating the fact the costumes were all silly items for women dressing as witches... Then it hit me... I could be a woman... (despite the fact I'm an almost 48 year old dude)... I could be a witch!!!
The idea was sowed, shoots were sprouting, next thing you know I was looking for makeup... Oh the shame, it was a slippery slope from there. So I cobbled together a rather fetching costume and we headed off to the party.
I am rather embarrassed to say that I drank far too much and became a little obnoxious. I stormed out of the party and decided I would make my own way home and my partner would take a cab, so I began trudging along ((wearing a pair of work-boots that were 2 sizes too big...Yup blisters)) I had forgotten how I was dressed...
There was a torrential downpour and I was utterly miserable, men started wolf-whistling at me from the passing cars I was so frikkin' embarrassed but learned my lesson...
Funny fact two...
When I was a very young man I dabbled with life as an actor and to cut a long stry very short ((which is something you will hardly ever see me do or say)) I was lucky enough to be given a part in a pantomime with many professional TV actors from popular British shows I thought I had made it lol.
I had a few small parts in the production but the truth of the matter is that was there for one reason and one reason alone... To look after Rocky and Rosie the two beautiful Shetland ponies that pulled the carriage to ensure Cinderella made it to the ball on time.
If you are not aware a Shetland pony is a particular breed of miniature pony, they were the cutest pair. The image below is not them, but an example.
The kids, when the panto finished would ignore the TV stars and autograph/photo opp and race excitedly in my direction as I was the dude with the cool tiny ponies... It was a lot of fun except for one day in particular...
I had finished mucking out the ponies and had tied their restraints to a gate that barricaded the front of the stable ready to head off for the matinee performance. What I didn't know is that one side of the gate was loose...
I heard a familiar clip clop behind me and Rocky and Rosie were taking a leisurely walk in the opposite direction... I rushed along to grab the restraint and yup you guessed it...
30 minutes later after frantically roaming the streets of Royal Leamington Spa frantically searching tor the runaways, I was approached by the police (I was in full coachman costume and pretty easy to spot lol) I was told that the local dual carriageway had been closed for quite some time after reports of two renegade miniature ponies!!!
The event was utterly traumatizing at the time but luckily the police saw the funny side and gave me a lift to the theatre, where I was assured the ponies would be waiting as some kind soul had set off in that direction. We made it to the stage side entrance with literally minutes to spare.
I learned my lesson until 3 days later when the whole event was repeated, although not nearly to the same degree... :D
Funny fact three...
I described the last event as traumatizing... That description is way more apt in relation to what I'm about to tell you.
I realise that this story is not in the least bit funny to the observer looking in, but it has become family lore and I now find it funny whenever it comes up.
We had gone to our local caravan/trailer site by the beach in a rundown little cesspool 'resort' called Crimdon Dene. I was either 14 or 15 when this happened and I swear the events are entirely true...
Being a typical moody teen with 2 much younger Brothers 8 & 9 years younger than me I had grown out of these caravan holidays but we owned a caravan there and my parents view at the time was we will get our bloody money's worth out of it...
I, of-course was much too cool to hang out with my family in this dump, but was made to understand in no uncertain terms that I WOULD BE.
Aaaanyway... My 'Dad(ish)' and us 3 boys were walking along the clifftop and down to the beach while my Mother was cooking dinner. I being a moody teen was walking 50 paces behind them with a scowl on my face and clearly not happy in the least.
Like any teen I decided to walk on the far side of the handrail that separated the footpath from the clifftop, I knew better than everyone else and was a cool James Dean character ((in my mind only)) yes the going was a little bumpy but I was much too much of a rebel for a safe footpath like everyone else...
Long story short, I became suddenly aware that the grass I was walking on at the clifftop was supported by uhm... nothing!!!
I tried to scream out for help and no sound came!!!
The next thing I knew I had begun to fall. The cliff-side was thankfully, soily, grassy and had a great proliferation of roots... I had the good sense to drop to the cliff-face quickly or else I would have just fallen off it on to the rocks below and would not be regaling you with this funny tale right now.
Thankfully also, this section of cliff face was not the most severe or sheer, if it were, again... There'd be no Steven... I grabbed frantically and found a thick root but was sliding down it's length rapidly, I grabbed another as I was falling/sliding more slowly than expected due to the roots and bushy plants halting my descent...
The roots kept ripping in to my palms and working lose as I grappled for the next, then the next...I realised I was about 30 feet from the bottom and kept managing to arrest my descent with whatever I could grab.
The last section of cliff had one type of foliage growing and nothing else... Stinging nettles. That is what I used to control my fall for the final handful of feet. My hands, arms, face and legs were an utter state my shirt had ridden up and both my torso and back were raw. Funny thing is that I never even noticed! Adrenaline and I guess, sheer self preservation got me through that event,I had a crazy fever that night and the following day due to the nettle rash that covered my body though.
The funny part???
My three travelling companions, who were, if you remember 50ish paces ahead... I met up with them 10 minutes later on the beach... They were surprised to see me there, cut and disheveled, before them as they had assumed I had gone back to the caravan!!!
See once you get past the childhood trauma and near death experience... It's quite funny, right???
Thank YOU for taking the time to read my post and if you're one of those amazing people who like to hit the comments section... Then I doubly thank YOU!
Either way I want you to know that you are appreciated!
Keep taking the time to connect with each-other both here and in the so-called real world and try and look after each-other, because as you already know...
I am a proud member of the newly formed #TeamUK I love the global community immensely, but it is nice to have a home-team banner to add to my posts. The banner was made by the inimitable RoastMaster General himself If you are an active UK member and would like to be added to the teamUK community on Discord, just let me know 😎
Maybe my good friends 
