Today I went out to the coffee shop and attempted to do something work wise - I mostly did nothing, got overwhelmed and couldn't focus. I'm more and more convinced of my neurodivergent issues - I believe I struggle with ADHD/Autism and OCPD. The therapist I speak to now was actually someone who brought up possible ADHD and I went and got "tested" (which was just doing a long questionare / bubble test, and doing a couple in person tests - I didn't think it really could prove definitively if I was ADHD or not). Well the guy that tested me ended up saying I definitely had ADHD and was amazed I could even get through school. I couldn't believe what he was saying. School was always pretty easy for me. I wish life and working a job was as simple and interesting as learning in school was.
At this point I see my problems way more being Autistic issues / sensory / interpersonal miscommunication and misunderstandings and general confusion with how people work. It's amazing to me that until, I think, early 2010's they couldn't even diagnose the same person with both issues. Now they are finding more and more links. I feel like my ADHD and Autism are constantly battling for dominance. I am simultanesouly overwhelmed by sensory things get stuck in routines and yet simultaneiously need stimulation and am incredebly bored with routines that I fall into. My therapist now has been less convinced of the ADHD since meds never helped. And he's slowly getting on board with being autistic, although he uses the word Aspergers. I think my therapists knowledge is a bit old - and he's a bit old. So he's working on older data and assumptions, but even with his deficits I still find him more helpful and willing to give me time and space to figure things out.
I left the coffee shop and went back to my room and did work a little better - I uploaded some designs to Amazon merch and redbubble. I also later went back to the coffee shop and finished a design and started another one in a simplisitic illustative style. I have to battle myself to not spend very much time on anything, since I never know what will sell.
I actually made a sale and it was literally the simplist design of a "just say no" symbol to HOA (for non americans that stands for Home Owners Association). I put a ton of work into one design and it doesn't sell and then I put next to no work in another and I make sales.
I still struggled with the ADHD/Autism battling itself and went out for a walk, partially to get my steps in and be able to post my acitifit report, and also to get my stepn steps used for the day.
I got back and looked at flights back home. I really don't want to book a flight. I'm worried about getting trapped in my parents house in the middle of no where in south carolina. I'm ashamed of myself that I haven't been able to live and date and work. The older I get the more shame I feel about it. At least recognizing that I'm autistic and neurodivergent gives me a reason that it was all so hard.
This report was published via Actifit app (Android | iOS). Check out the original version here on actifit.io
