I lost my temper twice this weekend.
Oops I forgot... I haven't been meditating recently.
I didn't explode or anything stupid.
I only had a moment of real irritation. Twice. But I don't like feeling this way at all. And I always regret it after people are exposed to it, even if it is only briefly.
So unnecessary, really.
Unless you need to growl because a person doesn't respect a kind word or two, or course! Then growling is allowed 👍
I recently commented on some hippy, dippy oh-so-new-milleneal healing something or other's post that went something like:
"Kindness and compassion and gentleness and blah blah just take it on the chin and turn the other cheek and be happy."
My comment went summink like:
"Totally agree, unless you need to shake someone awake." with my usual cheeky grin, lolz, emoji face. Like this 👉 😆
They immediately went to my Recovery Business Page...
I'm closing it down in full because I just can't bring myself to make this skill "professional". But that's just me and people need help and other folks gotta eat. Also... I need some light and fluffy for a while, now, to counter the wtf just happened in the last almost five years. Balance, right?!
to check me out.
"Cause they know I'm right. Right?
But they are as well, so...
My point is... again and again
it's not kind or compassionate to allow people to hurt you, other people or themselves.
For their own personal growth and/or "spiritual" journey. No consequences = no learning, see?
And yours.
But my point here also is...
there was no need for me to get all ratty and grumpy about putting the boundaries (that I needed to put down), down well that's a mouthful, innit? this weekend.
But you get the idea, I'm sure.
Also...
it's been scientifically proven that the tone a message is delivered in has more impact and is more meaningful than the message itself, you know.
I wish I'd known this back then, when I was doing all that activism-y ranting on social media. Ahem
They say that nothing and nobody can make you feel anything unless you allow it. Attaining this particular super-power only comes, in my experience, through practising mindfulness practices.
Hard! I mean practising them is hard and not that they're hard to practice. Although they are, in the beginning, sometimes.
The thing is (and here's the thing)...
when you're doing these practices regularly and for enough time...
you start thinking that you're doing so well that you don't really need to do them anymore.
Oops, I did it again 🙄
So some scientists have claimed that if I tell someone that they're an idiot in a kind tone of voice, they'll have a more positive experience than if I tell them that they're awesome in an angry tone of voice.
Interesting, huh?
True study but I can't find it now and it makes sense anyway, doesn't it? I did find this while I was looking for it, however, and this also looks super interesting.
But again... my kids say I'm a nerd so...
There's a more serious study here, on the impact of aggressive / cold communication styles on kids if you're interested.
And here's the kicker...
these kids often end up with C-PTSD, PTSD and addiction problems later on in life...
and they re-enact their childhood family dysfunction as adults when they are triggered...
projecting the "abusive" / mentally unwell / addicted parent's personality on to partners and friends around them during a "flashback"...
and mimicking the "abusive" / mentally unwell / addicted parent's behaviour as well very often... in a subconscious attempt to "fix" (change the outcome of) the original traumatic situation.
Messy, huh?
Very destructive to everyone involved until someone wants to learn a new way and has the courage to step up and change themselves.
But we were talking about...
Meditation and mindfulness practices.
Because as you can see...
even stressed parenting can, then, lead to C-PTSD in kids.
Yep. How you communicate (as it turns out) is more important, and has more impact, than what you communicate.
Did anyone say conscious relating classes?
Sign me up, Scotty!
Oh... so who did I have a small rant at?
It was another someone that I tried to help, who then took it upon themselves to phone and message me a gazillion times a day and to totally ignore my patient, and repeated, explanations of what I can or can not do for them due to my own somewhat messed up situation, right now.
And my responsibilities as a parent first and foremost.
Apparently they are "going to die" if I don't send them more money and I'm their "mother" and only lifeline. This is an adult male, by the way.
No, they are not going to die if they take some sound suggestions (which they have totally ignored). But yes, they may die far too soon if they continue to ignore those suggestions.
Not much I can change there, then. Personal choice and freedom, after all. Also... you can take a horse to water and all that.
Does this sound harsh? It may do, but this is important to understand for anyone who wants to help another someone. Or who even cares about them, in fact. Truely.
Because if you are doing it because you genuinely care and not just for the clever public relations...
...you could hurt yourself. And them as well.
You need boundaries as solid as a solid steel brass plate, that's made of Steel instead of Brass, if you want to be involved in social/health service, I think.
Of any kind.
And now I know why Nurse Whatsername was such a hardcore bitch.
Nurse Whatsername ran the inner city government hospital meltdown area, Groote Schuur Emergency Casualty, on a Saturday night in the Cape Town CBD.
I ended up there accidentally on my Matric Dance night, all dressed up with appendicitis, and was stuck there for three or so hours while we tried to find my dad. He was out partying and being my dad.
And the conversation that ensued when we finally did find him was far more fun than that stupid Matric Dance ever would've been.
p.s. Private Medical won't give you free drugs if you aren't sick, no matter how hard you try to charm the panties off the Nurses. I personally don't see the point then, either.
p.p.s Yes he was only kidding. Of course!
p.p.s But if they'd thrown some his way he prolly would've taken them just to see what happened next.
p.p.p.s If you're one of my kids, and you find this, you would've loved him. And don't do drugs! Drugs are bad (and stupid)... Mmmkay? And yes alcohol is a (one of the worst) drugs.
But before I got swished off to a fancy private medical facility by my hero, Nurse Whatsername and I did some Battle.
Nurse Whatersname and I fought about me not sneaking off to the toilets to smoke cigarettes (I met some ladies of the night who were doing the same and they were pretty cool), while I waited my turn.
We also bickered about my refusal to sign the form, to be admitted to Groote Schuur, to have my appendix chopped out. Yes I was eighteen, I agreed. Nope. Not gonna do that right now, thanks.
She must've thought I was such a spoiled liddle shit. And I was.
Respect, sister W.
🖖 And yes. Of course I remember her name. She was scary as all get out! And powerful as f*ck!
Off topic...
I was talking about boundaries.
Especially if you're a citizen of the planet who doesn't walk on by.
So let's remove the emotion so we can see if we need to set any and we aren't triggered ourselves.
And you gotta remove emotion when you do this kind of service - or get totally messed up and/or depressed. Learned from the school of... eh... you get the drift.
.... person who is going to die if I don't help them; crying wailing emoji repeated 4 plus times each message; messages with my patient explanations on what I am and am not able to do right now, and info on who could actually help them.
No mention or concern that I'm also sick while I'm trying to help him, trying to be present for my child, also struggling and trying to rebuild with all I got right now.
Nothing. Nada. Zip. No concern whatsoever at all.
Not even one question or an "oh no that sucks eggs".
Red flag number 1 - shows lack of empathy.
So this made me wonder:
Either the person spamming me didn't give a toss about my personal situation / didn't bother reading my messages and is, thus, more on the less empathetic (sociopathic) scale (usually takers and con artists)
Or they were actually about to die and were panic stricken
Now...
I've gone hungry for some days and you don't die in one day.
The places that are set up to actually help people in these situations had not been approached after I'd shared the info with said person, so the situation couldn't have been that desperate.
Where were they getting all the mobile data from?! I couldn't afford mobile data when I was hungry. It's pretty expensive in South Africa.
If the person genuinely is homeless now, there is a good chance they'll die on the streets of Cape Town unless they get to a shelter and get help asap.
Yes. This has happened before.
So get to a shelter... which they won't bother doing if I continue to help them. And which, realistically ("emotional sobriety" is a thing too), I am unable to do right now without causing harm to myself and, by rote then, my child.
Sorry, not sorry. My son has been through enough. Nobody's about to rattle his boat in any fucking way. Just to be clear.
I only wish I'd been able to make this connection earlier...
but back then I was rescuing all the wrong people for all the wrong reasons.
Although putting down boundaries can be a tough move, it really protects all parties involved.
Especially the most vulnerable ones.
So not a difficult decision then, is it really?
I sent my second and final donation, that I shouldn't and can't afford anyway, to The Ark. I then sent the now spammer or actually about to die person the POP...
and told them to go to The Ark for help.
Because that is what those people do. And that is what those people are trained and know how to do, without accidentally hurting themselves or other people.
I told him to go there and tell them I'd paid for food and shelter for a few days.
Worse case scenario is the funds are used for someone else who needs them, right? And I know The Ark do good work. I've seen them do good work. For free. For another person who had nowhere to go.
But the person then started moaning they don't have transport money to get there. Sending The Ark the money didn't help them right now, they said.
Okay. Question answered.
Said person would walk there, and not die on the street, if they were serious about getting help.
Right?
It's their choice ultimately.
Does this seem harsh?
Yes. The world is harsh. And some people are as well. And people who care are easy targets always. Should we stop trying to help then? Well that won't help anything. Perhaps we just need to skill up on how to help a bit more safely.
Speaking of which... I'm twenty years older than him and I've walked nine kilometres, to a chemist on a hot day, with some form of Lyme's disease and COPD on top of it. I know he could have walked to the nearest shelter.
And to The Ark itself.
I could've been less annoyed though.
I think I'll pick up meditating again today.
It didn't seem to affect my "karma", my "reap what you sow" or whatever, however.
My card didn't work (again) when I ran down to the cafe to buy some biscuits for my son's school lunch later that afternoon. An elderly Afrikaans man stepped forward and paid the bill. He then refused to give me his details to pay him back. No school like old school, huh? Again. As we should be. As we used to be.
Of course...
I've already started asking around The Village to see where I can send some cookies or cup-cakes to thank him.
It's a small village after all.
I walked back home under a setting sun, shaking my head and muttering in wonder:
"Could it actually be that quick now?"
What goes around comes around: by Carmen Cordova and original source
Happy #MIndfulMonday
Please don't forget to play today.
Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
All images not directly sourced my own. All photo editing done with GIMP.