Sometimes, we don’t even know we’re on the wrong side of a situation till we’re deeply into it. That’s usually wrong sides usually start off slowly and carefully. Today, you’re reminiscing on past memories, tomorrow, you reflect on it and notice a pattern. One way or the other, your mind is set towards that pattern you’ve noticed such that, everytime, you’re about to experience something, you now look forward to that pattern occurring over and over again.
I had a very bad day today and one way I deal with bad days, is through outer silence and inner reflections. On days like this, I’m thinking and replaying every action of the day and staying away from anything that has to do with noise on the outside, including speaking to people. It was during one of my many reflections, that I realized a subconscious act of mine.
I’ve always looked forward to negative experiences on memorable days. From what I recall, It all began from my junior secondary school graduation, where I couldn’t get to the venue early because my vehicle had an issue, to my senior school graduation, where I was down with severe cramps, to university matriculation, where I bawled my eyes out because of my parents absence. In other words, I’ve cried so much on memorable days, I was now beginning to look forward to crying on special days.
I have this event coming up in about two weeks, and I realized that I’ve been projecting my past negative experiences on this event. This event is going to signify the start of a new chapter in my life, and I already went as far as telling myself to take pictures before the event, so in case the day ends sadly and I wasn’t in the mood for the grandeur associated with events like these, I would have pictures to atleast show that I experienced it.
Our thoughts are one aspect of our lives we struggle to have control over. You don’t choose to think a certain way. Your experiences, and what goes on around you, come together to shape your thought processes. Today, I realized I’ve been setting myself up for tears subconsciously, even while I prayed that this event comes and goes successfully.
You see, the subconscious didn’t just gather those thoughts in one day. Day by day, it rooted itself in what I’ve said to myself over the years, what I’ve listened to over the years, the negative thoughts I’ve embraced all this while. So, changing this narrative isn’t going to be a one day thing. It’s going to involve a series of content filtering, affirmations, and hardwork. It’s going to require so much dissection of thoughts, so much conscious effort to do away with negativity in all areas. I’m going to have to sit down, and make a list of all those negative experiences, crossing them with the positive ones, and constantly remind myself of those good memories. This journey I’ve began, isn’t an easy one but one I’m ready to put in required effort.
Mindfulness to me, is acknowledging a certain trait, behavior or thought process and taking actual steps to let go, or to embrace it. It is making a decision to consciously work against, or with your subconscious. Mindfulness is an act of realization, a decision to better yourself, and an actual step in the path to growth. While this thought process is still a work in progress, sharing it feels like an actual achievement. So, with this, I’m not saying this upcoming event will be successful. Rather I’m saying that this upcoming event is going to be successful.
Thanks for reading.
Images above are mine.