Never felt better physically. To be feeling that way so early, nothing could go wrong that day. Until it did, only minutes later. Saw something, and then my thoughts were distorted and my emotions scrambled. What's happening? I couldn't quite place it, so I chose to be still for a while.
The fact that I was feeling that way as a man even made me more flustered. Mark Manson would call it The Feedback Loop from Hell. I was perplexed, and then I became even more perplexed because of that. And it just kept on perpetuating. Jeez.
So much for such a great day, plummeted, and for what? I had yet again encountered someone that caused me a lot of problems in the past, and I hadn't exactly sorted that out. Not quite. Hours passed, and then everything dissipated, but not the lingering puzzle of what had happened earlier.
Later on, during one of my usual evening walks and time away from the internet and my devices, I began to ponder on my perplexity earlier that day on different levels of self-awareness.
I knew when I felt uncomfortable. That was the first level. It was clear what and who caused that feeling. On the next, I began to question why I felt that way. I realised it had to do with having made the wrong choice of moves repeatedly that put me through an aweful experience. That level helped me be realistic with the fact that I was still angry. But it didn't stop there.
Yet another level, and I found something really interesting. I wasn't angry at the experience, the people that may have caused it, or even the mistakes. I was actually angry at myself—intensly so, and I was always reminded of it at the sight of the reflection. I was haunted by my own sense of failure somewhere in the past. Series of actions that were just wrong and unlike me. That was the real issue.
Damn
Once I unravelled the real problem and embraced true self-awareness, I could finally confront it head-on. I told myself that, while I may have had the worst experience so far, it was also the best. Paradoxical, innit? Because I have learnt far more than I would have without it. So let's say it was an ugly time designed for me.
People generally avoid being fully self-aware. At least I do sometimes. And then it just leads one away from clarity and further into more perplexity. It's something I'm being more intentional about moving forward for more productivity, clarity, and, above all, peace....
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