Like any hero, slaying the dragon should’ve left me with a sense of accomplishment. After all, I was able to do it. The impossible feat, the quest I’ve been grueling over for days, was finally completed, and I have been an important team member that helped make it happen.
However, as I rode the bus going home until the very next day when the dust had already settled, I felt very confused. Instead of excitedly talking about my victory and celebrating with my sister, I was somewhat shell-shocked. I didn’t feel happy. Why wasn’t I happy?
The Quest: The Young Adult Meets the Project
Despite being a baby in the corporate industry, I was handed an opportunity to contribute to a big project. Initially, I was supposed to just provide backend support, but due to unseen circumstances, I had to be one of the main proponents of the project.
I was not confident about the new role I was entrusted with for multiple reasons: 1) I haven’t been practicing in this industry for a long time so I’m not sure that I’d be expert enough to meet expectations, 2) It was my first time to handle this kind of project and 3) Even if I had adequate technical skills to help out, I wasn’t sure if I had enough “corporate people skills” to get me through.
Of course, at the end of the day, I had to pluck up the courage to work on the project because it was a part of the job. I also had to appreciate it for what it was - a learning opportunity no matter how difficult it may be.
In the end, I did succeed and I did learn a lot. It was like going through a rite of passage and being born as a fully fledged adult. But with the nagging feeling preventing me from fully celebrating, I decided to sit with myself, my sister and my feelings so we could figure out the deeper reason for my conflicted emotions.
At the Cost of Self-Care
First of all, it didn’t sit right with me that I had to sacrifice sleep the night before. It didn’t sit right with me that I skipped lunch because I was too anxious to eat. It didn’t sit right with me that I barely drank a glass of water or that I didn’t go to the restroom often. My body was in a knot because of all the nerves and it was obvious that for the project d-day, it was not in its best condition.
And yet, I performed really well, excellent even.
That was not a good lesson to learn for my brain. I didn’t want to develop the pattern of neglecting my basic needs just so I could do a good job. I didn’t want to develop it again.
For someone who’s been in really bad episodes of burnout, I wanted to treat myself better, especially when I’m working. Over the past two years, I had to learn to prioritize myself instead of my career and I’ve been trying to not make my work my whole life (and so far, I’ve been progressing). That’s why when I “relapsed” into old behaviors due to this project, I was really disappointed in myself and scared that I’m falling back into the rabbit hole.
I Needed a Reliable Adult even as an Adult
Another reason why the project felt extra difficult was because I was looking for a safe and reliable adult figure. I needed someone to mentor me and help me make sure that I was doing the right thing. It was a big project after all.
Unfortunately, because of how things went down, I often found myself without anyone but a junior colleague to turn to. We were both pretty new and although we had a lot of ideas, we needed someone more senior to verify them. That made it difficult to be confident with our suggestions.
Understandably, you won’t always be in an ideal team when you’re in the corporate world. Although there was a potential mentor figure, that person let me down at times. I do understand their difficult position, but I was at least hoping for clearer communication between us and for answers to my questions. Instead, I was met with puzzled pauses and mixed signals.
Typically, I would just grin and bear things but because of the high stakes of the project, I felt really bad about it. Moreover, when I reflected about my emotions, I realized that I was feeling bad not just because the whole situation was a frustrating case at work. I realized that the lack of a reliable adult has been a recurring theme in my life. I didn’t have reliable parents. I didn’t even have reliable parental figures. That’s why encountering another unreliable adult in my work life was very triggering.
Having an unreliable adult in your life meant one thing: you have to become the adult that cleans up their mess.
I didn’t want that anymore. (I wish I could say that I’ve resolved this issue and have communicated what I felt to my teammates but of course, the young adult life is so difficult to navigate that I’d have to leave this open-ended.)
We Carry our Inner Child as Young Adults
The last reason for my conflicted emotions was the main reason why I did such a good job with the project in the first place: I knew how to read the room.
Apparently, it was not the numbers that I presented nor the way I presented that made the biggest difference. In the end, I did a great job because I knew how to understand people. I spoke when it was time to speak. I listened to what was needed. I asked the right questions.
And I hated that because that was what I had to do as a child raised in a turbulent environment. I was great at connecting with people and noticing their cues, primarily because I was a hyper-vigilant kid who catered to the needs of people who could explode or leave me at any moment.
To be fair, when I was given feedback by the higher ups, they didn’t even point this out. They complimented me for the pace that I was speaking at and the knowledge I had about the project. Those were praises that made sense in my head and that I accepted. But with the connection I made about my past troubles and present accomplishments, I just couldn’t be happy.
I felt somewhat disgusted at having fallen back into the role of the room-reader, especially since it was something I thought I’ve outgrown and healed from. Evidently, it’s still a personal trauma I have to process.
Gearing Up for Future Battles
The biggest deal about the project, other than surviving it, was honestly all the questions and emotions it brought. It made me realize the things I am no longer okay about when it comes to living the corporate lifestyle. It allowed me to learn more about my past and present self and to discover the reason why this supposed win didn’t really feel like winning.
Although I am afraid that in the future I’ll encounter similar projects and dilemmas at work, this experience taught me two things: 1) The world is full of triggers that could make us feel bad about our successes and 2) Feeling bad isn’t necessarily bad because it helps us reflect on ourselves.
Now that I know that there are things that affect me negatively at work, I will be more gentle with myself and I will treat myself more kindly. I may not be able to fix or avoid everything but the next time I slay a dragon or undertake a big project, I’ll be sure to hold my own hand and be more understanding.
Thank you for reading, internet friend! I hope that you’ll have a productive work week next week. For now, let’s enjoy the weekend and recharge!
Pauline is a digital marketer and occasional speaker for Creative Writing. Outside work, she pursues passion projects such as writing essays, poems, and short stories, composing songs and filming videos.
As a storyteller on multiple platforms, Pauline has also attempted to create multimedia content through her YouTube channel (pollenpiggy) and a podcast she hosts (“When Pigs Fly”). You can find her at @pollenpiggycreates or at pollenpiggy@gmail.com.