Well hello, stranger

So I decided to rant a bit. Just a good old "here is all my feelings, I don't want them anymore" rant! I rant often, ask Hive account@technicalside, but usually it's about the small stuff everyone know is bothering me. Like road rage... I try to keep the "BIG feelings" for myself. And if I'm honest, a lot of "BIG feeling" things have been bothering me for the past month or so. And typical me don't like talking about it if I don't have a grip on it. I always feel like I need to suck it up and push through. Besides that, my therapist is way too expensive in today's economy. Well, he has always been expensive but I'm more broke now 😅.

I was away from Hive for nearly 3 weeks, not posting, interacting or even reading other posts ... And then I realised "hey go back to the thing that gives you a bit of joy every day". Hive is a place where I can read interesting stories, and stuff about finances and share in the happiness and travel experience of others. And of course, I get to laugh while reading Hive account@meesterboom stories. Those stories have been pulling me through the past few weeks, so thanks for that.

Well then hello Hive, thanks for being my new therapist/ listening ear 👂. It's easier to share when someone can't interrupt you or look at you like you're crazy. And sometimes we just need to share how we feel, we don't need a response or "aag, but you'll be okay ". Sometimes we just need to get it out of our systems.

Where do we start? I think we start with the white elephant that I keep avoiding... Because I know once I acknowledge it, it will be a reality. I mean it already is reality, but putting it out there will make it feel even more real. So let's all say hello to the white elephant 🐘.

I few of my followers are aware of the post about my grandmother... I wrote that post a little more than a month ago, and sadly she passed away two weeks later. The last month since her passing has been a total roller coaster 🎢. I thought I was prepared for it, but it hit a lot harder than I would like to admit. At times I feel completely broken and empty, but I'm thankful that she didn't suffer. And even though she was 90 years old, and she lived her life to the fullest, it is still hard to accept. There was so much more I wanted to tell her, places I wanted to take photos of for her, books I wanted to buy for her and so many more coffee dates we had to go on. Every time I see an owl, I have no one to be excited with. I realised that the grief I'm feeling is not about her passing, but rather the times I now know I'll never have with her.

It's funny, isn't it? I've spent my entire life learning from her, listing to her stories, getting annoyed with her, and laughing with her, and still, I feel like I have missed out. I'm thankful for all the lessons and jokes we shared over the years, but I think I'll be grieving the times we never get to have for a while to come. It just goes to show, we should appreciate the moments we have with others, it may not be your favourite thing to attend a live show, but one day you'll look back at the memories and be happy that you got that time with someone.

It feels selfish to wish you had more time with someone. And still missing someone or grieving is natural. I hope to one day be able to have a cup of coffee and a huge slice of cake somewhere with a beautiful view of the mountains just for her.

The second part of my frustration with myself is my PhD. Hell 🙄... I don't even have words... FFS!

I started this journey at the beginning of the year. Positive, excited and motivated! I've done a lot of the work already, and I've been busy with research and articles everyone keeps reminding me how quickly I moved and how proud they are of all my hard work... But I'm disappointed in myself 🤷🏼‍♀️. I've been stuck on a chapter for the past two months, and by stuck I mean I've been staring at a blank page. I have a few points jotted down, but every time I open that document, my brain just decides "fuck you, not today". I've tried everything possible to remove this block, but nothing seems to be working. This is where I decided the "little BRAIN" bug has gotten to me. So last week I emailed my document to my supervisor, informed him about my useless brain, removed the document from my PC (don't worry it is saved on other devices), and decided that for now, the PhD doesn't exist 🌈.

Do you know that one episode of SpongeBob? 🌈"Imagination"🌈

Ja, that is my PhD at the moment 🙂.

Just don't tell Hive account@technicalside. He'll see it in this post, and we'll never speak about it again 🤣.

Hopefully by the end of November I'll be able to go back to the PhD, sit down and finish that chapter. I know I'm capable of doing it. And I have wonderful support, but at the moment me and Sir PhD need a break.

So moving on to number three. Yes, yes my life is a bit much for me at the moment 🙂. Work... We all despise our jobs sometimes.

I'm a Lecturer for honours students. One would assume that at postgraduate level, students will have some responsibility and common sense, neh?

Nope

I've been close to losing my mind. Emails, text messages, and phone calls all about the most common things... Students struggling with Blackboard and texting me at 3 o'clock in the morning to open them on the system... I don't even work with the system, our IT department does! I get questions about modules that I'm not a part of. Students will ask me what is an assessment criteria while having access to google 🤦🏼‍♀️. And at this stage, they are supposed to know what it is. I'm asked to re-assess assignments that are not part of my module. Or the best of all... A student asked me to do the mapping for one of her assignments... How does anyone decide to ask such a question?

My students know that I have a soft heart and I think a lot of them underestemate my patience. I'm a petite women with a bright smile, but Oo for the love of yourselve, you don't want to push me to the point where I flip.

Issue four: More work...

So apart from being a lecturer, I also work for a few important people in our country (read between the lines please 🤣). Just as a part-time planning consultant. Nevertheless, it is still a lot. The work is not the issue, I know how to do research and come up with solutions to address challenges. The issue is the organisation around the work. We will be informed 30 min before a meeting that we have a meeting. Or receive drafts with two days to comment on them.

Guys, these documents are huge and will influence future planning... Two days for comments is not nearly enough.

So all and all I'm frustrated with the fact that the external planners are kept in the dark, but they expect us to help them fix the issues we face. It is impossible to assist if we are not included in the full process. We just want to be a part of the meetings to make this process easier for everyone involved.

And just on top of all this, it's been a fucking long year. I need an ice-cold beer next to the crashing waves of the ocean, a tan, new hair colour and perhaps just for fun a bottle of tequila. Maybe I should visit Ibiza? Hive account@meesterboom I'll go visit the caves you wrote about. Or go stay in the jungle for a while, Hive account@tydynrain seems to be at peace in nature.

Well, thanks for this! Hopefully, now that everything is out on paper (screen 🤔), I'll feel better. Here's to the last stretch of 2022, good luck to everyone struggling with "BIG feelings" and "little BRAIN", or anyone just feeling like shit. Crawling over the finish line still counts 🤣.