An Original Schteinn Science Report
~Third Edition~
WOW!
Major Discovery Discovered
I was out on the bicycle trail this evening, riding my bike for some much-needed exercise, when I ran across this humongous pile of dirt by the side of the trail. My first thought was "that's a giant mole hill." The mounds those funny little underground doobers make when they push soil up to the surface from the back and front door of their tunnel complex.
My next thoughts, not necessarily in this order, were: "No Way. That would have to be a 14 pound mole. They don't come that big. At least I don't THINK they do. They eat earth worms. I don't think a mole weighing in at 14 pounds could find enough normal-sized angleworms in the entire COUNTY to live off of. Yes, that is one enormous pile of dirt."
The thing was amazing.
The snowboard helmet that moonlights as my bike helmet (the round red thing in the picture), gives a pretty good size reference for the dirt pile. (This very stylish lid is the size of my head, which I'm pretty sure is a normal-sized head, or at least within the standard range for head sizes the world over. So you can estimate the enormity of the mound by looking in the mirror while holding the picture above, up next to your head. Should be close enough. High Science at work.)
I got off my bike, and started to poke around the mound like those monkeys you see on the Nature Channel on Saturday mornings. The really smart ones, that have figured out how to use a stick to investigate those tall termite mounds found in the Sub Sahara.
The dirt was a bit 'fluffy' in texture, and had definitely been recently excavated. Folks walking and riding by gave me their best "what's that monkey with the stick doing" look, then hurried on with their evening. Undaunted, I continued poking and prodding, and sure enough, there was a hole in the bottom of the pile from where SOME sort of creature was moving dirt up and out in my general direction.
I investigated the smaller mound behind this one next, and there was a tunnel there as well. Probably made by a more normal-sized mole. I pushed the dirt back with my stick as I'd found it, so I wouldn't make the mole mad, or completely mess up his or her evening, and stood pondering this new discovery as the sun started to set.
Conclusion
After careful consideration, we have very large, unusual moles in this part of the bike path. And I'm not riding this route anymore at night, because they only come out at night, since they can't see very well, and I'm afraid of any 14 pound mole that can't see well enough to tell the difference between my lower leg and an enormous earth worm.
Thank you for stopping in and having a look at a giant mound of dirt.
[Official Press Credential Here]
A huge shout-out from the freelance reporter's cardboard holler-horn goes out to the amazing 
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