It’s laughable really, to think that our thoughts could hold us hostage, making sleep illusive, and yet... isn't there something we could do, to stop the incessant train of thought that keeps us wide awake at night? It is not that I don't like my thoughts, they keep me on my toes, on my game, propel me on, from one breakneck task to the next, and unfortunately from sleep! Lying in one position, then another, eyes snapping shut with the ferocity of a baby about to have a temper tantrum.
I thought I had tried it all. Chamomile tea, lemon balm tea, lavender tea, valerian tea, valerian root tincture and of course, hot milk. Warm milk, and just warm water, hot shower, hot bath, no light, some light, ear plugs, eye covers, no electronics two hours before bed, and soothing music. I read at every wee hour of the morning and night. I sat up and read, laid down and read and walked around while reading, with hot milk! Sometimes days would merge into weeks without a consistent deep sleep. I have tried a light snack of carbohydrates, of protein, non dairy, and full dairy. Once, I went four months with no sugar, no wheat, no caffeine, no alcohol, and no dairy. Don’t ask me what I did eat; not much. Aside from losing a lot of weight, sleep remained illusive. Desperation took hold.
A few nights I tried alcohol as a sedative, which worked for about one and a half hours, then misery. Over the counter “sleep aids” were an abomination and I decided I would rather have no sleep than drug induced sleep and I certainly was not interested in a doctors prescription. Then there was the natural stuff; Kava Kava, melatonin and magnesium (in my case good, if you like varying degrees of diarrhea). Perhaps it was my vitamin levels, my hormone levels, my levels of sanity for sure, peri menopause, menopause, being an older mother, or, my snoring husband? The possibilities were endless.
I frantically started researching online, about anything to do with disordered sleep. It became apparent I was not alone. In fact by some accounts half of all adult Americans are sleep deprived, in one form or another. Really? How did I become a statistic? Was I never to relax into a harmonious restful slumber again?
It started to accelerate, and psychosis crept into my distraught body and mind. Noises were amplified, sudden flashes of light, my mind on some kind of speed, crashing through the universe of thought, with no breaks, out of control.
Enough! One night I sat up in bed like a bolt of lightening. Maybe some Yoga? I told myself, breathe in, breathe out. Focus on breathing in, and breathing out. Well, if I was lucky I might be able to watch for one, maybe two breaths. All I could do in that moment, breathe in, breathe out. I am begging, pleading, breathe in, breathe out. Who or what am I begging and pleading to? As if help could come from somewhere else. Only me here, only my crazy mind, my exhausted mind, my daughter calling out, “Mummy I need some water.” I get out of bed and take her water. With deep resignation, I get back into bed.
I awake to the sun streaming in the window. What? It’s morning? But it was 1:30 am, I was just snuggling down to try and sleep. Now, it is 6:30 am. Five hours gone by. Five hours of uninterrupted sleep. Five hours! Extraordinary!
Susan Jaques