Style One
You’re either a Tom Cruise obsessive or an American lawman. Either way, you should take a long look in the mirror (which you’ll love doing, not least because the reflective lenses will provide an additional mirror image of you looking at yourself in the mirror).
Style Two
You don’t consider yourself a hipster. Not least because your glasses were sourced from a flea market. Sure, there’s an identical style available from Urban Outfitters but it’s from there the actual hipsters get the glasses. That’s the difference. Anyway, you shaved off your beard last year & have swapped cold brew for instant, so you can’t be a hipster. You prefer to think of yourself as ‘individual’. Or ‘artistic’. That you work in telesales is neither here nor there.
Style Three
You’re my father. You’ve spent a significant amount on the sunglasses, assisted in your purchase both by the ever-so-friendly assistant in the high-street chain and also my mother, who didn’t know why you couldn’t just buy them online. They’re not the most comfortable glasses you’ve ever worn but you pay for the label, not the comfort. That’s what the assistant said, anyway. You’re still waiting for your adult children to notice your new glasses.
Style Four
You have no personality. If you were an office manager in the 1990s, you’d compensate by wearing comedy ties. As you’re a freelance lifestyle journalist (new media), in your 20s, you’re forced to break out the heart frames at any sign of sun. You’re so kooky, Zooey Deschanel once liked one of your tweets to her. Anyway, a venture capitalist, at least that’s what they said they were, once said the glasses looked cute, so -
Style Five
You have a disgusting face. That’s why you’ve taken the sensible decision to wear glasses that obscure most of it. If only you could find a pair that covered your body too.
Style Six
You’re a dick.
STYLE SEVEN
Blues brother, you are not. You’re more like Dan Ackroyd circa 2017, both in career prospects and appearance. At least the dark lenses hide the emptiness behind your eyes, though.
Like this piece and I’ll send details of this amazing Ray-Ban offer I keep seeing on Facebook. Thanks.
(all in good fun of course!)