Breakdowns are Breakthroughs.
PrudishNudist in Haiku.
(smiles) Nice to meet you!
If I seem familiar, it's because you might have seen me before. I have a feeling that there is a bit of social incest on the block chain. Personally, I am used to it. I am a city girl from Southern California that has found a slice of home here in Boise, Id. I am a priestess and a life coach by trade. I get by through writing online content and have been a freelancer for 10 yrs now. I work from home because leaving the house isn't my specialty.
So, I have been on here for a while and trolling and talking. I have already made a few friends and I am getting to know and love Steem more and more. I started this page as a place to talk about issues that are sometimes of the NSFW variety. I say that up front because I completely understand that some of the topics that I would like to discuss are difficult. I also start this process understanding that not everyone can be on the same side of an argument. I am not here to convince anyone of anything. I am here to tell a story, to listen, to empower and to improve.
That being said, I have had a long life of misfortunate events that I have pussy-footed around. I became a veteran in shutting down my feelings. Hell, my last therapist told me that I was "too aware" of my emotions. He also said I practiced rhetoric a lot. Hmmph He said it was causing me to not feel them, but rather... to be aware.
At the time I was a bit confused.
Aren't we supposed to be aware of our feelings and mindful of our actions?
Aren't we supposed to process them?
Well, yes.
And no.
Yes to the talking and processing, so long as there is a process. I finally realized what he was meaning. I was aware but not feeling. I wasn't really experiencing the emotion, rather I was experiencing the trauma over and over, either subconsciously or unknowingly recreating a state of stress. I wasn't feeling them. In fact, I was even practicing a lot of masking emotions to cover the pain.
)I am not asking anyone else to stuff their feeling. That includes me. So, I am here to have candid conversations about topics that none of us REALLY want to talk about, but some of us have lived through. You see, when you have been raped, abandoned, treated poorly or had your world dynamically changed... it causes some emotional instability.
Bottling shit is great... until you have to live with the consequences!
The thing is this, bottling things up just cause you to hold on to shit that you don't want for longer than you ever wanted to in the first place. This whole process seemed to make sense to me for years. I went through my own life wandering along and thinking I was learning. With each hard knock, I would journal, I would do slam poetry and I would do whatever I could to downplay my emotions. Distancing myself from these feelings gave me a sense of purpose. I threw myself into things that revolved around the traumas that I had personally experienced and I tried to strive to help others that had been through similar instances.
Rather than to tell my whole life story now, I'll do what I can to break it down. I still feel that helping others is vital. However, downplaying these things in my own life and pretending that they didn't happen is something I am trying to avoid.
IF I EVER MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE PLEASE TELL ME
I am not here to make anyone feel bad.
I don't want to hurt feelings.
I want to understand, I want to discuss things in a real and honest fashion.
So here I am. It is my intent to be honest about my own experiences and to help others start a dialogue for themselves. The most impressive function of the mind is to block out the past. This can cause a person to shut down. So, what do we think will happen when this is done as a collective consciousness?
(
Humanity exists and endures. Your story can go on beyond you and I truly believe that we are truly all capable of facing our pasts. I believe that we can not only do it, but we can do so in a way that can promote healing, understanding, dialogue and understanding between the rest of us.
We all have shitty self-dialogues. We all say things that we don't mean and that have lasting reverberations, trapping our souls in a solid state that resists evolution. Personally, I think that this is a huge problem. We have so many bigger problems with this world that we can't seem to get past. We can't seem to understand. We can't see each other from where they are at and in doing so we lose the stories of ourselves. We become this social amalgamation of fear. I would like to do my part from my now little-ish city, from my liberal yet prudish perspective
Maybe I am too sappy? Maybe my own experiences has caused me to stay in a permanent state of guilt and sorrow? There is certainly part of my brain that thinks so. That's the same part that has apologized about 10 times since writing this.
Nope, can't make me do it though. There is no action that is worse for humanity as a whole and the self as an individual than the rejection of the self. Self loathing, will hurt a person more than the most horrible of events because it is that which singularly tells the self that it is not worth being healed. That is what leads us to think that we deserved whatever has happened or is happening to us.
Bullshit.
And there you have it.
Here I am.
...and here is my self-imposed theme song. It's good to have goals!
I don't think I can save the world but I do think I can save part of myself. With any luck, I can make a dent!
NSFW RARELY. NOT NEVER.
I'll put it here now - I do plan on talking about the body and the mind. I wanted a place to speak my mind about psychology, for better or for worse. This may mean ranting or whining. This may mean emo poetry. This may mean a nose to the grindstone. To be honest... I don't know. I'm pretty sure that there will be profanity, misplaced thoughts and a bit of nudity.
Humanity isn't neat and that's what makes it beautiful.
Thank you for letting me share... feel free to share your story with me at any time.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3