Hi everyone..
I've been M. I. A for a while now. Well, it's hard to dance with the devil on your back. I've been fighting so many demons, I've not had the time to concentrate on life and Steem. I've been fighting my demons hard and I think I'm winning! I've been sneaking around reading a lot of awesome things on Steem too. I've hurt myself a lot and as part of my healing process, I'll be writing and sharing my journey with you. I hope this gets to someone and helps and i'm not really interested in getting upvotes so, I'll start from the beginning.
**HOW IT ALL STARTED **
I don't think I can say exactly when it began. I think it has always lived here since forever; the voices. They've always spoken to me, crippled my life. People always see you smiling but never understand what goes on behind closed doors. People don't even understand you and when you come from where I come from, it makes it harder. I've always lived inside my head. I've always strived to be the perfect child, the perfect daughter but then, everything just comes come crumbling down when I think I'm always there. It actually feels like I don't know where I am, what I am doing and where I am going to. It feels awful, like being trapped in a box and you wear that plastic smile so people don't get to thrash you. Your parents just think you are being a child forever, like you refuse to grow up. Your family members think you are just being a little good for nothing kid. Your friends call you weird and when you try to fit in, it just makes you more awkward. Its a state of confusion about anything and everything. It's like experiencing the night all the time and you cannot lift up your eyes. Your heart throbs everytime you are with people. I begin to hate people and activities, it's being an anti social extrovert. You want to reach out, but you are locked in. That's how it feels and no one understands. Your friends just want you to suck it up and go about your life, they make you believe that you are lazy and have no future ambition.
**WHERE I AM NOW **
Now, I'm in this 'blah' space. Now, I know i have a problem. I am mentally ill and no, I'm not crazy, lol. I just have social anxiety disorder and depression. I will and can be fine. It's just time. I just need a little time. Some days, you will get the best of me and other days, I say horrible things. Some days, I smile a lot and I spend other days crying non stop. Some days, I pick myself up and live my life and some days, I just want to hide from the world. I die some days and I live on others. Some days, I am optimistic about everything and some days, I curse the day. Some days, the battle is so strong that I want to abandon my son and my family and run far far away.
But, no, I am a fighter.
And this never ends.
WHERE I AM GOING TO
I am going to be fine. To learn how to work with myself to be happy, to enjoy this little time I have here on earth. To give me and my kid the best life ever. I am going for help, professional help. I can use my last match and cause an explosion. I will work harder than ever to take my life back and I will do it day by day. Maybe somewhere, there is a silver lining and i will find it. I will put those demons down and there won't be no pity party anymore. I will tear my graceless heart out and get a new one. I can't keep dragging my dead horse around. I will be free if there is freedom, if not, I will tame the beast. It is always darkest before the dawn.
Xoxo....