In Part 1, I spoke about how I lost 48Kg in 10 months and how it affected me as person, in that it didn’t have the effects that I thought it would. It turned me into a smug asshole until I learned that a person’s worth is most certainly not defined by the label sewn into their waistband. I learned to love myself as I am, whatever size that may be, and learned the true extent of how poor self-worth affected all my relationships, including the massive impact it had on my marriage.
Now I’d like to talk about how a single conversation with a new friend about vulnerability changed my life in the most profound way.
Vulnerability. We all know what vulnerability is- or so we think. There will be some of you who know where this is going, and who the concept came from. So, let me introduce an incredible woman by the name of Brene Brown. Google her and watch her TED talks because they will change your relationships and the way you live your life. I’m not even going to try to explain what Brene has to say because you need to watch or read that yourself to take it all in, but this is how it helped me.
I mentioned in Part 1 that my husband and I were going through a bad patch. I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore. I met my lovely friend M for lunch one day and the topic came up. Now, M is a life coach and counsellor who very kindly doesn’t dispense any advice until she thinks you need a hand. I clearly needed a hand and M extended hers. She gave me the basics on vulnerability and how important it is in order for us to live our lives fully. At the time, I didn’t understand how this related to my problems. Sure, it made sense in my head but it didn’t yet make sense in my heart.
Now, something about myself. I’ve been told by many people that I am a closed book. That I have constructed a nice, protective wall around myself. If you read Part 1 of this post, you will know that this came from a lifetime of never feeling good enough due to weight problems. (Mom and Dad, please know that this had nothing to do with you; it was my problem to deal with and certainly not anything to do with not being loved and nurtured enough!)
M told me, rather bluntly, that I was depriving myself of joy, love, pleasure and affection by maintaining a solid brick wall around myself. She also said I was affecting my husbands confidence because I was rejecting him on a daily basis by not making myself fully available to him (insert sexual joke here). Somewhat affronted, I went home and did some research on this vulnerability thing.
Mind completely blown. I realised that I wasn’t giving myself to my husband, my friends or my family. Sure, I wasn’t blocking them out entirely, but I was only giving part of myself because I was so scared of being judged, betrayed, hurt and blamed.
You see, the problem with having a wall around yourself is that the wall protects you from all those bad things because you expose so little of yourself, but exposing so little means that you can’t expose yourself to receiving good things either. You can’t truly love and be loved if you’re holding part of yourself back. Sure, with that comes risk. The risk that giving yourself, your full true self, to someone leaves you open to them judging or betraying you. But feel the fear and do it anyway. Drop the wall, stop holding back, and stop censoring yourself to mitigate the risk of being screwed over. I believe that Brene calls it living whole-heartedly (‘courage’ coming from the word ‘cor’, Latin for heart).
To link the topic of vulnerability back to the topic of my post- I had started to love myself for what I was. This new found feeling of being totally comfortable with myself was super-charged by learning to be vulnerable with others. I made myself vulnerable to my partner, my friends and family. Joining Steemit and writing about myself and my experiences is the ultimate act of vulnerability! I learned to love the feeling of being completely open about my feelings, my desires, my likes and dislikes. It was scary at first, but it become utterly liberating. I was no longer censoring myself and it feels so good to be living live as the fullest version of Carrie. Like the practice of loving yourself, this is a work in progress and some days I find myself slipping, but its okay. I catch myself and pick up where I left off.
If this rings even the teeniest, tiniest bell with you on some level, please google vulnerability and make yourself vulnerable to where it may take you in living a full life. Thanks for reading!