Have you ever seen things that you want but know it will not help you?
This past week has been a challenge for me. I am not going to weigh myself until May 23, because that is a month from when this started. I am hoping for at least 20 pounds down but we will just have to see. Since this is my first time actually sticking to my plan I didn’t get a lot of pictures this week. I did get my tracker to start working around Thursday. I was able to track my steps and distance starting Thursday there will be screenshots of my calorie intake and step counter.
Last week, when I made the decision to start this journey I would never guess it would be this hard. I know it has only been a week but it is hard. I never realized how much I really eat and drink. When doing this calorie count I have learned I am not very smart about my portions. My step counter and calorie counter has me on a 2400 calorie a day count. I would like in a couple months to lower that to the 1800 calorie count. After this first week, I realized I am really going to have to work at this. It’s not as easy as I imagined it would be. Along with the calorie count, my step goal is 8000 steps a day. This has been fairly easy but some days it is not. This week, starting with Thursday since that is the first day my counter started working till yesterday I had walked in total 11 miles. This week I will be starting Monday with the counter so I can see my total come Monday next week. I have a plan that I hope will work for me.
I started walking other than the basic walking for me. I have been trying to walk two miles. I have decided to do two days of walking then rest a day then two days and so on. This has worked pretty well so far. I am not saying that it doesn’t hurt me because believe me it does. I push past the pain but doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Walking a distance like this is not a long one for most people but for me, it is very, hard because I haven’t walked like this since I was in high school and the first year of college, which was around six years ago. Right now I am walking by myself but that could change.
I have started watching the show “My 600 lb life”, this show gives me more motivation to drop the weight. Not only because of the health issue but the burden that I could become. I am not one that relies on someone to do things for me but it worries me that if I continue on this path of overeating and not exercising that I could become these people on that show. These people have health issues and physical issues that I not only don’t want but am going to do my very best to prevent. I don’t want to be restricted to a bed or chair. I don’t want to not be able to leave my house. I don’t want to watch my children grow up from pictures or afar. I may not be 600lbs but I could be if I continue to do nothing. I will not have gastric bypass, I will not get to that level I won’t let it. You may be thinking well your close. I know how close I am and I have come to the conclusion that I will not be these people.
My wife will go on and on about how she will not let me get to that level but she is not responsible for making me do anything. I am responsible for myself and I will not put that responsibility on my wife. This weight has put a strain on my marriage. Not that I was tiny when we got together but I was not close to this large. This size has caused strain not because of my wife but because of me. I do not have the energy a lot of times to please my wife in the ways that I used to. This makes me feel useless and that I am keeping her from having a good sex life. It bothers me to no end and it constantly is on my mind.
My motivation may be selfish but I want to be happy with myself. Right at this moment, I can’t stand to look in a body mirror. I look at myself and I instantly feel ashamed of what I have become. My family tells me that I am beautiful but at this weight, I feel far from it. I take pictures of my face because I don’t want to see the rest of my body. Yes am I doing it to get healthy but I am also doing it to be able to be happy when I look in a mirror or out in public. Due to my weight I have zero confidence, I say I do but I really don’t.
Right now, I am bummed out about my weight but I have hope and faith that I will be strong enough to continue and get back down to where I am comfortable in my own skin and healthy. I will do this and I will do all that I can do. I won’t give up.