Dear Steemy,
I've been HIV positive for several years. At first, I was too shocked to even consider sex so I didn't do anything for a long time. But after a while I got lonely and I wanted some human comfort without all the details. Let me say that I am and have always been on my meds and I only practice safe sex. There's almost no chance that I could transmit this to anyone, but I still feel guilty that I don't bring it up. I'm honestly not sure how to at all, so I don't. But I always wonder what they would think or say. What's wrong with me?
Thanks,
Sleepless in Steemit
Dear Sleepless,
Let me start by saying congratulations, I'm very happy to hear that you actively monitor your HIV and are on medications that can help you. It's very important that we take care of ourselves when we find our situation suddenly changed, and a new restriction put on us. But by keeping up with your medication, you are definitely helping to lower the chances that this tragic illness will spread. Also, there's nothing wrong with you dear Sleepless.
Loneliness may be the most illicit drug in history. It gets inside of us and makes us believe things about ourselves that are only true in our minds, not in reality. It causes us to close down and shun the contact that we all need to maintain a healthy flow of energy. Sometimes when all we need is human comfort, we can find ourselves making all kinds of justifications for the words we say, and the ones that we don't, in pursuit of a moments respite. We all have secrets, Sleepless, and this one is yours, and I'm honored that you would share it with me.
I cannot tell you if you are right or wrong to not tell these partners about your status because it would depend on a number of factors.
Are you dating these people or just sleeping with them?
It's not that one is wrong and the other is right, it's a matter of dynamics and circumstances. If you are dating a person for any appreciable amount of time, the subject of your HIV status will have come up, or should have. Dating is a time when you get to know more about each other. What kind of art do you love, who's your favorite musician, do you have any serious illnesses? Obviously these aren't the literal questions we ask, but it is representative of the kind of intimate information we learn about each other.
If you haven't told the person you are dating, you should hold off on sex. This is only my opinion, but let me explain. Learning this kind of intimate information about someone you're dating puts everything at an important crossroads that helps to determine if the match could even work. It gives you both a fair chance to reflect and decide with all of the available information. If you aren't giving yourself the chance to see how they would react, the chances are that may not really think they're the one.
If this is a one-night stand, road rules apply.
There are so many ways to connect for this kind of activity, and different strokes work for different folks. I would caution you that while you are keeping this secret from your sexual partner of the evening, they may very well be keeping a secret, too. The fact is, they may not be as conscientious as you are about protecting yourself, so there is a very real concern for your own health and safety. A lack of communication in this situation could complicate the sensitive situation you're dealing with currently, so I wish you the best in the decisions you make.
If you are going to hook up, then being upfront is about the sexiest thing you can be, anyway. When we find ourselves feeling guilty we have a choice. We can either accept that we are going to do that which makes us suffer the guilt and bear it, or we are going to find the capacity within ourselves for a change that comes from inside. You may never see these sexual partners again, but you do see yourself. Every day.
Identify what it is you really want from your human interactions, and repeat after me: "There's nothing wrong with me".
Good Luck Sleepless in Steemit,
Steemy
Hi Steemit,
I'm Steemy, and this is Dear Steemy. The above is a real life situation that I've adapted for this anonymous blog about the real issues we talk about. This series of confessions comes from my long history of being entrusted with the secrets of others, a heavy weight that I hope to lift a little by sharing it here with the Steemit community.
If you would like some advice anonymously, you can email me @ dearsteemy@gmail.com. Please be aware that I will post your issue, and my response to it, here on Steemit. Unless otherwise specified, I will not use any usernames or other identifying information, nor will I divulge any information in my possession.
This email is purely for those wanting to ask for advice, or share something they're working through. Any spam or post promotion will be gently ignored.
This is an anonymous forum for sharing the hard-to-face situations where any advice would be appreciated. This is not to be construed as medical or psychological advice. Please feel free to comment with your feelings about the topic above.
Until I start to receive submissions from the community, I will share these current secrets that rest heavy on my heart. I hope you find comfort and personal value in this blog. I am so happy to be here.