Healthy children are curious, playful, and pretty much happy. Adults are actually the same, we just have more *baggage, a lot more. Some of that baggage is like a super cool backpack full of useful tools, and some of it is more like a busted wheelbarrow full of garbage.
Set Up for Upset
As social creatures we absolutely need the ability to relate to others in a healthy way. Even if we spend a great deal of time alone, we need to be comfortable with who we think we are. Thanks to the languages we learn, we will still carry an internal dialogue that re-affirms ourselves as seperate from this, that and "others”.
We relate to ourselves through the “values” we have adopted. We have an opinion about just about every single thing we see, hear or come into contact with. When those opinions are able to update and match what we are experiencing our “backpack” stays light and actually gets even cooler as we come to better understand how to use the tools we carry, (the skills and methods we pick up through learning).
When our situation does not match our idea how it should be, we either have to let go of, or modify those assumptions. Opinions that we can not change or let go of, end up in our wheelbarrow. The more ideas we have in our wheelbarrow, the more often what we see, hear and feel will disagree or “grate” on our nerves. The more energy it will take to move and the more often we will get up-set, (and lose our shit lol).
When we are upset we can either check to see if we really need that idea, If we can not let go of it, we will choose another way to change our disturbed and uncomfortable feelings.
Method 1 - Find Pushing Buddies
If we just can not let go of our belief, we will try to find somebody else and get them to agree with us. To confirm that our ideas and ideals are not garbage and its "reality" that is obviously wrong.
I may do a trade and accept some of their garbage in exchange, this may lighten the load temporarily, as I now have some new friends to help me push my crap, but now I end up with even more stuff to carry. Even more stuff to get upset by and therefore even more hungry for attention and new allies. Compulsive attention seekers are deeply nervous, and constantly looking for others to validate them, but they often get used instead.
Method 2 - Toughen up Snowflake
Initially this seems like the stoic hero's move, the road to martyrdom, where “one day, everyone will see” that I was right, and my garbage will magically turn to tulips.
Yes pushing and lifting heavy things around does build muscle, does make me resilient and I can get used to hardship and eventually grow numb to it. When I feel less, I may actually get upset less often, but then I will also need to find more powerful stimulation to feel anything good also. Yes shutting down our emotions is also a road to addiction.
Method 3 - Acceptance
The quality of what we do, what we say and how we say it, will affect the way others respond to us. They way we “feel” others are treating us has an enormous impact on how relaxed or anxious we are. So far, the choices are:
1 - Seek “positive feedback, which means conforming to what others think is "rewardable" behaviour.
2 - Shutdown emotionally, to become less sensitive to what others think and what is happening around us and end up feeding addictions.
3 - Loosen up my opinions and beliefs. When I "lighten up" on the values and meanings I have about my life situation, am I practicing non judgement and acceptance. This enables me to remain playful and curious. Not only will I be able see things from a fresh perspective and gain intelligence, something magical happens. The emotions I am feeling and projecting become lighter and people find me easy to be around, (maybe even attractive).
To not be personally attached to feedback while remaining emotionally connected to other people, (not shutdown) is a great skill that requires a lifetime of practice. Just when I think I have achieved a tiny degree of mastery, somebody will really upset me. Or more likely someone who's respect I value will reveal to me where I am propping up an insecure part of my personality with a belief designed to make me feel more valuable, more safe or more in control.
So those choices again, Reactive, Shutdown or Responsive.
Holding tightly to opinions keeps us in reactivity or shutdown and addicted.
Does this mean we should let go of all our ideas and get blown around by the wind?
No, by all means keep your ideas, just don't create an identity out of them or you risk taking them personally, getting up-set and becoming reactive or addicted.
*Baggage is an idea, opinion or belief that is anchored with a bad feeling such as shame, guilt or fear.
I can have beliefs that are not true, and they may cause me to make poor decisions and make it harder to understand why things are happening, but if they do not make me feel bad they are limiting but mostly harmless.