The next couple days flew by. It was like I was floating on a cloud. It feels so relieving to have something to look forward to. When I was younger, I would always have a crush; someone who I would long for from afar. I would dream of what we would do if we ever went on a date, or what our life would be like. I felt so unlovable and undesirable that I never felt like I would ever have that experience.
When I finally broke free from all my fears and asked out my first girlfriend (in a shaky voice, legs trembling uncontrollably), I felt similar things to what I feel now. It was a euphoric breakthrough. My life finally felt like it was on track. The future looked bright for once, and that nagging voice in the back of my head could finally shut up.
Phasers Engage has a show this weekend, but other than that my schedule is open. I can’t wait to see Marty again. I find myself day dreaming about how this will progress. What more can I find out about this man?
At the same time, I started talking to another guy, Michael. This time on the other end of the spectrum. He is younger than me, and seems really nice. Definitely bipolar, but a lot of what he said resonated with me. While chatting, he implied he was really alone; that he just could not keep friends. I understood exactly how he felt.
We exchanged numbers, and eventually he called me. It was like talking to my past self. He was going through the same issues of loneliness, depression, rejection, and feeling incompetent. His mood was up and down the whole call, and he talked a mile a minute. He had no idea that he is the source of his own misery, just as I was once oblivious.
I self-sabotaged more than anyone ever should, and probably still do to some degree. I told him that he should stop caring what other people think. People will always judge. Why let them weigh you down with their bullshit? On a surface level, this is good advice. But, it’s more complicated than that. It’s a matter of reconditioning the self to not feel the internalized feelings that have been conditioned by a life of specific hardships.
I want to help him. But, as the call was ending, he heavily implied he was underage. He didn’t outright say it, but anyone with a functioning brain could have picked up his message. I didn’t know what to say, but the call was ending so we said our goodbyes and that was that. The next day he snapchatted me, and I felt like the FBI was watching my every move (like they aren’t already doing that 24/7; hard not to be a person of interest when you’re plotting to overthrow the government with a sex cult). He seems like such a wonderful person, but that alone triggered me into a state of paranoia that kept me from doing anything productive for the rest of the evening.
I kept chatting with him. He needs a friend. He asked me about my adventures on the west coast. I haven’t answered, but I want to tell him about community life. Despite how horrific the cult was, it taught me a lot about living and working with others.
I envision myself looking him in the eye and tell him that is where I learned how important integrity really is. Without it, no one can uphold agreements, and any group or social bond falls apart. A person without integrity is little more than an animal. Without it, we are nothing.
I said I would be his friend, and he desperately needs someone to talk to, so I won’t let paranoid fears roll around in my head. I will set a firm boundary about being just friends. He is going through something identical that I went through in college: feeling like he is completely alone, trying so desperately to make a connection with anyone. His efforts, despite rooted in good intentions, are marred with a quality that pushes people away. I can’t just abandon this person who needs some help developing.
They say you should be the person your past self needed. Being able to be a mentor for someone going through exactly as I had is such a powerful feeling. I want to help him grow to overcome the suffering that I know so well. To be caught in that net of self-defeating behaviors, with the only way to heal to integrate with people, but not being able to do that because people don’t have the time, patience, or compassion to stick around with you is a horrible feeling. I still feel it, but with the help of friends, I am learning to overcome my instincts of running away and hiding.
The other day Lawrence told me the the upcoming show would have a big crowd. Concerned, he asked if I would be alright. During a Phaser's after party some time ago, I had a breakdown because I got overwhelmed by the crowd. It was more complex than that, but it harked back to how I would cry at every party back in college, for the same reasons Michael told me on the phone.
Obviously, who wants to be friends with a crybaby who ruins everything? It did not take long for people to give up on me. The abandonment really hurt. Coming back to the dorm after classes to find my roommate had moved out was a shock, then a victory, then a let down. This happened twice. Clearly I was undesirable. I always felt that no one loved me. Who could love me? I was a freak. On another wavelength, in another dimension as everyone else.
I am going to overcome this. It is going to be uncomfortable, possibly painful, but I have to do it. I will get over my own blockages. I will stop self-sabotaging and become the me I always dreamed of being. It only takes a little courage and perseverance. With the willpower to change the self, anything is possible.
Hey, this is a journal entry from a project I am really enjoying so far. It's allowing me to write about my life as I discover myself, and reflect on the past while I do so. I want to turn this into a book. I really appreciate any support, in whatever form it takes. Thank you for taking the time to let me share this piece of myself with you.