I have no friends. I'm not down, it's just a fact. I spent my early twenties working on cruise ships and moved to my wife's hometown when we got married. That was twelve years ago. I should probably have pulled my friend-finding finger out by now. Here's what being Billy No Mates means:

5. You Work More

I’m self-employed and gig at weekends, setting aside dates if I have a social occasion I want to attend. I’m currently booked solid until the middle of next year.

4. You Hobby Less

I know, I know, I should take up a hobby to meet people. But as an adult male it's literally impossible to make a new friend. I met a guy recently and we really hit it off. We had lots in common, traded jokes and made each other laugh. It was the best speed awareness course I'd ever been on. But at the end of the day, I couldn't bring myself to say, 'Shall we go for a drink?' I just started driving everywhere at ninety miles an hour in the hope we'd be reunited.

3. You Miss Stuff

Going to the cinema on your own is actually brilliant. You can eat what you want and sit where you like. But it’s a bit odd and people do tend sit as far away as possible. I tend to do it rarely (the last movie I saw on my own was The Force Awakens.) If I fancy a movie but my wife doesn’t, the chances are I won’t see it on the big screen. So long Planet Of The Apes!

2. It's Embarrassing

I bought two tickets to a gig, an act that a school friend and I really used to enjoy. He couldn't go. I was left begging for someone to go with. 'Hey person-next-to-me-on-the-bus! What are you doing Friday?'

1. You Scare People

I tend to start conversations in situations where no conversation should be started. Shop assistants, dog walkers, drive through attendants are all unwilling recipients of a little wit or wisdom. I don't want to be 'that guy.' But I'm that guy...

Let me know what you think. I'm off for a sob in a dark room. Thanks!