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Die Hard With a Vengeance: The Sherlock-Batman-Bugs-Bunny Ending

We all know Die Hard, but let’s recap the endings of the previous 2 movies: Die Hard: McClane grabs a secret gun he has somehow taped to his sweaty, bloody back with Christmas themed packing tape, shoots boss bad guy, Hans, and drops him out a window in slow-mo while someone watching drops a punchline. Die Hard 2: McClane pulls a secret fuel-release lever, during a fistfight with a terrorist on the wing of a moving plane, falls off, bounces a couple times, then lights the fuel trail with his famous, “Yippee-Ki-Yay, motherfucker,” and the fire chases the plane into the sky and explodes it. Theatrical Ending: Now if you’re thinking Die Hard 3 should end with McClane facing an armed helicopter on foot, and then strangling the helicopter with a telephone wire he loosens with a miraculous shot from an old six-shooter, then you would be correct. In fact, it did end this way, in theaters, everywhere. Oh, and of course, that was the bad guy, Simon, exploding, before he could get away with the stolen gold. So the robbery was foiled and all the gold was returned to that, building… with all the gold. Alternate Ending: (Note to Editors: I realize this got very wordy, so here’s a more brief description if you don’t feel you need any more details: This very un-Die-Hard ending features no action, explosions or falling off buildings but instead, quiet conversation about action, the bad guy getting away with the gold, McClane getting fired and turning into vigilante/murderer Sherlock Holmes, ending in a suicidal game of Russian Roulette literally stolen from a Bugs Bunny cartoon called “Rabbit’s Feat.” Further detail is described below.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNz_ilr7eQg The much less explodey alternate ending decided to take a vacation in the Alps to get away from all this excitement, trying it’s very hardest not to be a Die Hard movie. In fact, this ending is so bizarrely full of anti-Die-Hard-isms that we’re thinking someone was conducting an experiment in irony to see if they could irony hard enough to break the time-space continuum. We hope so, anyway, because then there would at least be one thing interesting about this ending. Oh, God, where to start. The scene opens with Simon chilling in some exotic location while an entire team of servants serves him one empty cup for his brandy (0:25), enjoying his spoils, as it were, because, in this version, the bad guy totally beats McClane and gets away with the robbery (explained at 2:51-3:03). You know, that thing that’s the exact opposite of what you are hoping to see in a film about an unbeatable supercop who always wins. McClane then silently appears before him as if from nowhere (0:29-32) and calmly sits with him, explaining that he just killed “two guys” (presumably Simon’s thugs, but not explicitly stated) and beat up two others (1:00-10), effectively turning Die Hard 3 from a high-octane action flick to a film where action is calmly spoken about, in a quiet room, over afternoon brandy. Then, to take the depth of McClane’s first ever failure in a life of pure awesomeness and rub it in our baffled faces, McClane goes on to say that he was fired from the police force for suspected involvement in Simon’s robbery, and lost his pension (1:30-42). To this, Simon laughs at McClane’s face over the “irony” of it all (1:43-53)—in itself, an ironic thing to point out in an ending this ironic… they really pushed the threshold here. Next, McClane and Simon gaily reminisce about Simon’s master plan (1:55-3:03) till McClane quietly points a gun at him and tells him to order his staff to leave (3:03-25). Then he tells him that to find him, he used the batch number on the bottle of aspirin Simon gave him earlier and traced it “to a German pharmaceutical company that shipped that bottle to a little pharmacy down the street.” He follows with, “I’m a cop, remember?” while forgetting that he’s not a cop anymore, for maximum irony. Then he says “irony” again (3:34-59). And, hey! While on the subject of his cop status, let’s back up to those “two guys” McClane killed. If he’s no longer on the force, then this Bizarro McClane is actually a vigilante murderer! One who is able to track down a master thief who has eluded the police, the FBI, border patrol, his own accomplices, his girlfriend, every government—fucking everyone in the world—months after he disappeared, like some sort of clairvoyant Sherlock Punisher. Believe it or not, we still haven’t even gotten to the weirdest part yet. By this point, we can see that all logic and reason has given up and abandoned this scene entirely. So that’s why “McClane,” despite stating earlier that he plans to spend this Christmas with his kids (2:03-2:10), engages Simon in a suicidal game of Russian Roulette (4:00-5:30). Since he’s had this game planned out the entire time, we can assume this is less spur-of-the-moment-change-of-Christmas-plans and more McClane-killed-his-kids-and-plans-to-see-them-on-the-other-side. See, this is a very specific version of Russian Roulette with a Chinese rocket launcher that McClane previously removed the directional arrows and the sights from so you can’t tell which way it fires (4:02-26). If this sounds familiar/really dumb, that’s because it’s a fucking Bugs Bunny cartoon! Specifically, it’s a gag that Bugs Bunny uses to blow up Wile E. Coyote in the classic Looney Tune, “Rabbit’s Feat.” (3:40-4:10) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeiKKmxFJUk Here's a better quality video on dailymotion (start at 4:48): http://dai.ly/x569xd8?start=288 So, finally, Simon blows himself up, in the comfort of his fancy parlor chair, and McClane slowly stands up and whispers, “Yippee-Ki-Yay, motherfucker,” and then quietly departs (5:35-55). And then, presumably, kills himself. For those of you who were keeping track of the things that don’t belong in this alternate ending, we’re sorry, and we hope you recover soon from your broken brain.

Final Destination: The Sarah Connor Ending

I doubt I have to explain this by now, but Final Destination is the first film in a sometimes awesome horror series in which the protagonists escape violent, mass death, via a premonition, only to later be picked off by Death one by one because… Death gets bored, too, I guess? The film plays out like a series of wordless, episodic mini-mysteries wherein we see the clues of Death’s design as seemingly unrelated elements are intricately meshed together to form each character’s demise like an insidious Rube-Goldberg machine from hell. Theatrical Ending: The 90s slacker equivalent of a teen heart-throb, Devon Sawa, discovers Death’s pattern and breaks it, saving 3 of Death’s intended victims, including himself… until, Surprise! Death shows up three months later to finish the job, because Death only works 9 months of the year, I guess? Although this ending makes absolutely no sense, it obviously had to end this way as the obligatory final scare/twist ending, like the Freddymobile at the end of Nightmare on Elm St, or literally every teen horror movie, ever. And let’s be honest: which of those endings has ever made sense? Alternate Ending: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrhnRChU5VQ The alternate ending, on the other hand, apparently thought it was Terminator. In this version, Devon Sawa’s Alex falls in love and hooks up with/knocks up fellow Death-target, Clear, in a previous scene (2:38-56), after a dramatic monologue that is clearly as confusing to Alex as it is to us (confuse face/monologue at 2:22-38). Later, in order to save Clear, Alex sacrifices himself, via electrocution, to break Death’s intended pattern and so free her from the death-curse (3:38-52), also leaving her alone to raise the child they conceived in their one night of love and passion, a la Kyle Reece. https://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/finaldestination/images/0/01/15379-25219.gif/revision/latest?cb=20111006175420&path-prefix=pt-br “I beat Death’s design for you, Sarah Conner. I love you. I always have.” After giving birth in the hospital, she talks to herself and her baby about in-universe mythos no one else in her world would understand, a la Sarah Conner (4:34-39). She holds their new baby and honors Alex’s memory in a touching moment of victorious gratitude: “We beat it, Alex.” (4:45-50) How sweet. Fade to black, The End… is what should happen, but, for some reason, this shit keeps going. Clear sets the baby down in his new room, and, instead of the clues of Death’s design, Clear sees the clues of ghost Alex watching over the two of them, as he blows past a banner with the names of the Death-marked who didn’t survive like a gentle breeze (5:40-6:17). Or, traumatized Clear is delusional now and says “Alex!” every time there’s a gentle breeze. Then, this ending awkwardly remembers, “Oh yeah, that other guy survived too…” and throws him a scene. We cut from the banner to Other Guy reading the exact same names off a memorial, left alone to bare a trauma no one else can possibly understand. Except Clear, who fortunately meets him at the memorial with her baby (6:45). Unfortunately, their subsequent conversation shows they’re really awkward with each other and probably won’t associate much after this. Other Guy (Carter) says of the baby, “Sorry Alex never got to see him.” She corrects him with , “He sees him. Everyday.” To which, Carter uncomfortably says nothing (6:55-7:05). Then, abruptly, as if answering a question no one asked, he says “Clear? (Sigh) Alex was right. It did skip us, there was a design and, uh… we beat it. We won.” To which she corrects him again, “All that we’ve won, Carter, is a chance at a full life. A chance that I am not going to waste. Because, for all of us, there is that one day.” (7:09-34) In other words, “Yeah. But not really because death is still coming for us all, one day. Idiot.” Then, Carter looks down, embarrassed, alone, and brimming over with PTSD, while a leaf floats down from heaven and covers the camera (7:35-45). An Alex leaf! I guess… Hopefully, afterwards, the baby grows to lead the Resistance to salvation in a post-apocalyptic future where mankind is at war with Death.

Jungle Book (1967) Alternate Ending is Fucking Insane

Theatrical Ending: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYnbzXPAxNo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24argtWDhdo So Mowgli’s animal friends finally return him to the Man Village, he sees his first girl (who is alarmingly flirty for an 8-year-old encountering a feral boy), and he floats after her, drunk with love. Baghera helps Baloo accept that Mowgli’s where he belongs and they sing and dance back into the jungle. Everyone lives happily ever after, the end, right? Alternate Ending: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFWCNUZtlVo (I will rip a better quality video of this special feature from my DVD once accepted.) Unfortunately, no. Although it’s kind of cheating calling this an “alternate” ending, as it’s actually an “extended” ending—a ridiculously long extended ending that adds a whopping 8 minutes after the “happily ever after” and an entire sequel’s worth of plot. A completely insane entire sequel where Mowgli is a violent dick to animals. First, we meet Boldio, a man who is mysteriously HELL-BENT on blowing Mowgli’s brains out for no good reason. As Mowgli emerges from the Jungle, Boldio, who can clearly see he’s a human child, attempts to shoot him, twice (0:34-1:08). Afterwards, Boldio explains that he did so because Mowgli must be a shape-shifter, since he first saw a leopard, and then he saw a child, so “shape-shifting demon” is obviously the most logical conclusion (1:08-24). I think it’s also important to note that Baghera is a panther, not a leopard, something a sane person living in the jungle would know. Next, it turns out that the man who stopped Boldio’s shooting spree is, wouldn’t you know it, Mowgli’s dad! Mowgli is reunited at last with the long lost mom and dad none of us even knew he was looking for (1:37-47)! 3 months later (no, seriously [1:59-2:03]), Mowgli hears Boldio falsely claiming he killed shear Kahn, so Mowgli, knowing Shear Khan is still alive, calls him out on it (2:17-54). Naturally, Boldio responds to this the way he responds to all of life’s problems, by trying to shoot Mowgli in the face (2:55-3:13). Only this time, he wasn’t shooting at a supposed demon darting through the bushes, he’s blatantly attempting the murder of a child who has lived in that village for 3 months. In broad daylight, in public. Unfortunately for Mowgli, the town’s legal system is limited to confronting criminal offenders and basically saying, “Hey, cut it out, you.” Later, instead of imprisoning the man who tried to kill their child for the second time, Mowgli’s parents tell him that they totally don’t believe his silly tall tale about Shear Kahn being alive still, but enjoy his creativity (3:20-28)! So now that village life is ten times suckier and more dangerous than jungle-life, Mowgli grabs a torch and steals away back to the jungle, where he runs around, randomly scaring animals with fire for no good reason (3:28-52). Next, he picks a fight with his wolf-dad, Akeela, shouting, “Come forward and face the weak man cub now!” for some reason (3:52-4:01). Then, with no resolution to that challenge whatsoever, we cut to a different part of the jungle with Mowgli now taunting Shear Kahn, screaming, “Mowgli the man-cub has come for you!” (4:02-13) And Mowgli does find Shear Kahn, but only to chase him away again with fire (4:13-18). And then he corners Shear Kahn, but only to call him names and run away (4:18-28). So… there’s that. Next, Baloo and Baghera show up at Mowgli’s campfire and he tells them about how going to the man-village was the worst thing that’s ever happened to him and his life sucks now. His lifelong best friends respond with disgust and tell him they hate him now because he has fire, I think (4:34-59). I’m not sure why, really; it isn’t explained very well. Then Boldio finds him and (of course) tells him he’ll shoot him if he doesn’t take him to the Lost City he mentioned earlier (5:18-40). They arrive at the Lost City and all the monkeys are terrified of Mowgli’s torch (5:46-55), which is maximumly bizarre considering that asking Mowgli to bring them fire was literally the monkeys’ entire role in the film (besides being a racist caricature). Boldio then forces Mowgli to fill a chest with the monkeys’ treasure (6:11-15), then says he’s going to burn down the whole jungle (which undoubtedly includes his village) to destroy Shear Kahn because he is apparently the absolute worst hunter ever (6:35-49). Actually, he says it’s because he hates the jungle and orders Mowgli to run along and die in the fire (6:50-7:11). Mowgli knocks the torch into the river, saving Shear Khan and the jungle, and once more gets the business end of Boldio’s rifle pointed at his chest (7:11-26). But then, it’s Shear Kahn to the rescue as he leaps at Boldio killing him (7:27-38). So Shear Kahn was previously the bad guy of the film for killing people, but now he’s the good guy of the film… for killing people. Now that these two have mutually saved each other’s lives, you’d think this is where they gain each other’s respect and go their separate ways as equals. But instead, Mowgli picks up the rifle and shoots him in the fucking face (7:38-49)! http://www.supertreegnome.com/files/theme/effed-up-jungle-book.jpg He meets up with Baloo and Baghera, who are so delighted about his grotesque tale of violence and death, they become his friends once again (7:53-8:16)! Seriously: here’s Baghera smiling cheerfully at the dead bodies of Shear Kahn and Boldio. http://www.supertreegnome.com/files/theme/effed-up-jungle-book-2.jpg "I thought you were bad because you had fire. But now I see you are good because of murder! I'm sorry I doubted you, Mowgli..." ...in a kid's movie. Don't forget about that part. They walk him back to the man village telling him he’ll be hailed as a hero in both the village and the jungle (8:16-25). This is assuming, of course, that the village is going to applaud him for running away in the night and leaving a trail of bodies in his wake, killing man and animal alike. And as it turns out, they do! He is hailed as a hero for running away, stealing fire, chasing dangerous animals and shooting guns (8:25-30), which is an unusual lesson to teach in a kids movie, to say the least. Oh and he also works part-time as King of the Wolves now (8:30-50). The end.

Lethal Weapon: Boring, Non-Christmasy Ending Where Riggs Still Ends Up a Loner

Perfect Theatrical Ending: Their high-octane adventure is over, the bad guys are dead and Riggs and Murtaugh have now formed a lifelong, platonic partnership. Riggs spends the Christmas he almost lost to suicide with Murtaugh's family, perfectly portraying how he (Riggs) has overcome his suicidal tendencies and and is finally moving past his wife's death by embracing his new family. Plus, merry Christmas! Yay! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUyQVmzjzXc Dumb Alternate Ending: Where the other entries on this list are bad in over-the-top, fantastical ways, this one is just the opposite. It is simply bad. Here, all the festive Christmas decorations and music, the bonding, the growing and the reassurance that Riggs probably isn't going to kill himself are replaced by 40 seconds of drab joylessness that looks like it was filmed in the studio parking lot. (0:00-43) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-upS8TNSH4 In this ending, get this, Murtaugh says, "It's a mean old world," and then Riggs calls him old, and then they part ways and never see each other again. That's it. What's worst about this ending is that potential suicide, Riggs, is once again on his own, with no friends: no one in his life to help him through if he gets low again or to keep him tethered to this world. Psychologically speaking, this isolation is an easy path right back to the depressed suicidal mess he was at the beginning of the film. In other words, the relationship between Riggs and Murtaugh, the very essence of the film, has now changed nothing and means nothing. And Riggs will probably be dead by next Christmas. Merry, uh... Studio Parking Lot!

Rocky Balboa: No More Mr. Underdog

Theatrical Ending: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9M__miokUI Rocky fights World Champion, Dixon, impressively through 10 rounds, earning honor and respect, and is satisfied knowing that that is more important than the outcome of the fight. In fact, he has already started leaving before the results are announced. Ultimately he loses by a split decision but isn’t concerned because he’s already won what he was seeking (1:40-59). This mirrors the ending of the first Rocky film exactly, right down to his, “Yo, Adrian, we made it!” which, this time, is spoken to Adrian’s grave (2:56-59). It perfectly illustrates that Rocky still hasn’t forgotten what’s important and fights with honor. Plus, the other guy wins for real and also gets respect and honor. So, yay for everyone! Alternate Ending: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jz_3UfnS4mQ In this version, Rocky decides, "Fuck humility, it is winning that's important!" and waits intently on stage for the results of the fight. Then Dixon’s split-decision victory over Rocky turns into an awkward moment of embarrassment as he and his trainers start cheering at the announcement until they realize, “Oops! Rocky won…” (1:27-52) Dixon then finds himself both stripped of his World Champion title and stunned on national TV but still trying to handle his defeat with humility. So he ends up mumbling something about respecting your elders where his mentally rehearsed victory speech was supposed to go (2:15-33). Meanwhile, the “humble” Rocky walks off the stage toward the cheering crowds with a big, arrogant grin and his hand up in a, "Yes, yes, you're right, I am awesome," gesture (2:33-38). Then, while the crowds forget about disgraceful Dixon and his loser words, he lifts his triumphant hands at the crowd one last time and departs with a goofy smile, laughing all the way to the bank (2:59-3:34).

The Fly (1986): WTF Butterfly Ending

If there was a point to the epic gross-out extravaganza that is David Cronenberg’s The Fly, it was that David Cronenberg wants you to throw up from watching it. Sure there was a plot in there and probably Jeff Goldblum’s greatest performance ever. But what made this movie a legend of filmmaking was its barf-errific special effects. That being the case, what better ending could one possibly come up with than the theatrical? Theatrical Ending: Brundlefly barf-dissolves someone’s hand and foot off (0:33-47, 1:07-20 in this video), https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaG-NKbedxg …his face and skin melt off his body in front of his girlfriend, revealing a slimy man-fly-monster (0:34-1:07 in the below, better quality video), he painfully fuses with a machine into a machine-man-fly-monster (3:57-4:07) and claw gestures for his girlfriend to explode his head with a shotgun (4:20-29), which she does (4:46-50). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NH-8L1iZq20 Alternate Ending: The answer is: none. There is no better ending possible. But especially not this shit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSY4aKneckI This ending went a very different direction, replacing action with no action, gross-outs with confusion, coherent-enough plot with utter nonsense and awesome special effects with crappy ones. In the above video, Geena Davis is in bed with her new boyfriend, that other guy, who did not get melted, robbing us of one of the most memorable, dream-haunting special effects in the film. She tells him that she had a nightmare that she was in The Fly II, having Brundlefly’s baby. He reassures her that the baby’s his and they go back to sleep (0:22-42). Action-packed! What happens next is maybe-or-maybe-not her dream, and involves some creature hatching out of a cocoon hanging from… her aorta? Considering this is her supposed baby, I guess Geenna Davis’ aorta is in her uterus. And considering the cocoon is crackling like dry leaves, I guess her uterus is as dry as a desert wind (1:08-18). Next the creature emerges, revealing… the fucking baby from Twilight, with butterfly wings (1:34-42). Not fly wings, you know, like, The Fly wings, but butterfly wings. Then we cut to a smiling Geena Davis, apparently happy about all this (1:47). Then the baby flutters off into—I guess her uterus again—presumably flapping against her uteral wall like a trapped moth (1:57-2:06), until it flies toward the light, which represents, you guessed it, the cutting-room floor (2:09-15). The only thing scary about this ending is that it almost made it to theaters. So not only does it abandon the entire scary, gross-out theme of the film in favor of a gentle one with beautiful butterfly wings, but it’s using this calm, colorful image to convey that she might be pregnant with a mutant bug baby? And she’s happy about it?? Does this ending have any idea what it’s talking about?