What's taking you so long!?!
The Good Lady yodelled up the stairs in the general direction of the bathroom.
She sounded as if she had accidentally burst a Turkey's wattle.
Steady on, old girl. I am nearly done.
I yodelled back like an elderly Dutch financier.
Well, hurry it up. We are going on holiday. There are things to do?!
Now she sounded cross. I huffed gently and dried myself a little quicker with my towel. Didn't she know that there were some things which shouldn't be hurried?
It's not as if she was an angel when it came to being quick in the shower. Oh no. I swear she takes so long that we are still waiting for her to come back from that one time in 1983.
I stuck my head out of the bathroom and after quickly ascertaining that no one was upstairs, came out naked swinging my towel about singing Dance Monkey.
I had never heard of the bloody thing before but my daughter seemed to be going through that developmental phase of actually liking her own stuff and not thinking Daddy's metal music was cool anymore.
Pfft, next thing you know she will be telling me that the A-Team re-runs are shit.
She better not even think of going there.
I gave my nazzums a quick inspection in the bedroom mirror and was mighty pleased with what I beheld.
THE KEYS TO THE CROWN!
I yelled at myself whilst standing sideward and attempting to make a penisy swan in the reflection of the mirror.
Shortly after, I swanned (the regular kind) into the lounge and sat down on the couch.
So, Lady-Bear. What is so urgent that you need me to hurry up with my manly doings?
I demanded imperiously.
The Good Lady came bustling into the lounge with many things of great import under her arms for the holiday and stopped dead in her tracks with astonishment.
What happened to your head?
She cried in dismay.
Oh this?
I ran a hand over my freshly shorn dome. It wasn't quite a Kojak but it wasn't too far from it.
Thought I would get ready for the holiday. Big style.
I winked and spanked my own arse appreciatively which, when sitting down was no mean feat.
The Good Lady looked aghast.
But, I liked your hair? Why would shaving the hair on your head off make you ready for the holiday?!
She sputtered, her eyes glued to my magnificent bulgy pink head flesh.
Oh, lass. You should know better than that. Shaving just the hair on my head wouldn't make me holiday-ready, would it?
Again, I winked and cupped one of my breasts at her seductively.
She recoiled as if I had thrown a glove retrieved from an arse-cow at her.
Then she raised an eyebrow and her eyes widened open with understanding.
Oh no. You haven't gone and shaved ALL your hair off again, like the last holiday?
She winced at the thought as if the idea of sitting on a sunny balcony stroking my Persian slipper could ever be unappealing.
That's right, baby. All the hair. ALL of it.
She made a noise which was somewhere between a trumpet and a harrumph of despair and shook her head at me.
Oh god. Give me strength...
She sighed and pushed past me and out of the room with her armful of holiday trinkets.
Don't you want to see, it's like a dolphin's nose down there?
I yelled after her.
NO!
Came back the response.
I laughed then scowled, a low cackle bubbling from deep within.
She will though. Oh yes. She will.