The clicking came closer, like the mandibles of some terrible insect about to snap shut on my face.
I pretended to be un-phased and not in the slightest bit sausage truncheon. Casually I lifted my coffee and slurped a little of that precious brown gold. It was a triple macchiato with caramel syrup and an extra shot thrown in for good measure.
I had a feeling I was going to need it.
The clicks stopped right behind me.
That throaty voice which had spoken on the phone the day before purred forth.
So BoomDawg. Is that something frothy in your hand or are you just pleased to see me?
She chuckled and patted me on the shoulder before walking around and taking the seat opposite me.
My throat tightened. Carlate. There she was, crossing those incredibly long gazelle-like legs in front of me. Her hair was raven black as always and her immaculately red painted lips gleamed glossily like the inside of my compost bin.
I tried not to jerk. Nor be a jerk.
Carlate. How lovely to see you.
My attempt to sound casual failed, instead, I grunted like my penis was trying to bark through a hose that led up to the back of my mouth.
It's lovely to see you too, WoofDawg. I always thought you would call. Just a little disappointed that it took so long. Were you building a head... of steam?...
I necked my Macchiato and sponked it back on the tabletop with a thunk. There was always a feeling of intense danger when dealing with Carlate and right now my danger wand was swaying about in the wind as if detecting a force ten duster.
I need something from you Carlate. A favour, if you will.
Carlate giggled in an attempt to be demure. It was like watching a dragon gnawing on a sheep's carcass. I was starting to sweat under the weight of the testosterone my body was producing.
You call me in the middle of the night for a favour... I was expecting as much. You want me? Of course you want me, but how do you want me, hmm? Do you want me covered in jam? Or are you more of a Tetsuo to my Akira?
She fluttered her coal black lashes at me. I could almost see the fish in the nearby river float to the surface, dead glassy eyes staring accusingly at the sky.
Jam, you say...
I coughed and crossed my legs so that she couldn't witness my Kryptonite glowing.
I gave myself a shake. Not the naughty penis kind but more of a mental dressing down shake.
Listen, sweetcheeks. There is more going on than you could possibly imagine. I need to know how you flicked the switch to take us to the cloud?
Her laugh tinkled like the windshield of a car, crashing in slow motion.
Oh you are so geeky! I love that.
She leaned in, her voice lowering to such levels that the stones my kidneys had once contemplated forming, shattered into imaginary dust.
You want me to... flick my switch for you? It's more of a button you know?
I had the dread feeling she was talking about a battleship sized clitoris and not the button that switched our timeframe entirely out of kilter. Flinging me into a multiverse of chaos and terrible cooking.
The cloud. When you pressed the button to take us into the future? Remember?
She chewed on something for a moment. Possibly the passing wisp of a soul in the ether.
Oh. That. Is that it? That is what you want? Truly? Just that?
I slammed my windpipe shut to prevent the voice of a million sperm cells bellowing out to be considered for the grand race.
Moments passed.
Sinews heaved and strained on my neck before finally, I conquered myself.
Yes. Just that.
She shook her head and muttered something about sad IT bastards before dipping a hand into her little Gucci bag and pulling out a pad and pen. She scrawled something on it and passed it over.
As I reached out to take it she caught my hand with her dread claws and fixed me with her erotically charged corpse eyes.
You can have this for free but next time... Oh yes. Next time, it will cost you. It will cost you dear. Understand?
I nodded and pulled myself free clutching the note in one hand. I tipped my hat and got up, heading for the door.
Outside I looked both ways before peeking at the note.
This was it. Tomorrow, I would end this once and for all and return to my true love. One who wouldn't ride me ragged no matter how much I begged and pleaded.
Oh yes. Tomorrow, I was going to fix this, once and for all.
