I stared aghast at the grey watery gruel in the bowl before me. It looked like rats eyes in vomit.
The good lady stood there after banging it down in front of me, a challenge in her eye.
What... What is it?
I managed to croak.
Had she simply emptied a dustpan into the bowl and added dirty dishwater??
It's quorridge.
She stated with a bluntness which would have suited a hammer just fine.
Quorridge..? Is that an animal? Is this gizzards? Shouldn't it be cooked?
She sighed greatly. The burden of boomwifery bearing down on her shoulders.
It's quinoa and almond milk. I sweetened it up a little with pomegranate seeds.
I poked at it with a spoon, dread colouring my movements.
Alright then. Here goes...
I lifted a small spoonful of the dreary filth to my lips then paused.
Is quinoa an animal?
I asked hopefully.
She shook her head.
Just get it down you. It's good for you.
I bowed my head in bitter resignation. Just get it down me. Well, I would then. If anything, knowing that this was my last day in this blasted offshoot of a multiverse helped as I threw the slop into my mouth parts.
My gullet twitched as it went down, as if seeking escape from one of my many outholes.
Finally, I stood. The gruelling job done. I gave my manly beard a wipe, just in case any of the revolting mulch was hiding in its coarse thatch.
Right. Well, I'm off to work. I suppose I will see you later.
Perhaps she heard the half lie in my voice. She darted me an odd look as I picked up my fedora and long coat and left this house one last and final time.
The lifts in work were playing mind games with me when I arrived. I waited, nervously tapping a foot as I planned how to get to the 8th floor and flip the switch that would throw me back to my original timeline.
Hey, BoomBoom? I was looking to get a hold of you.
I turned at this. My hand sneaking around to my back bin where I had secreted one of many attack spoons for the days mission.
Were you indeed?
I relaxed slightly as I recognised some wonk from HR.
Yes! Nobbers, is the name. We meet at a training course last year!
Ah yes, what can I do for you?
Nobbers grinned like a Mexican half-fish.
What can I do for you more like! You got a promotion recently? I was assessing the salary bands of the IT directorate and noticed that you were on the wrong one after your promotion. I have amended that. Your new band is significantly higher!
I clicked my teeth with my tongue as if chasing a bluebottle.
Really? Significantly?
Yes, a whole 6% more than you currently get. How's that for Christmas!
One of the errant lifts finally pinged its arrival. Nobbers winked in the direction of the stairs.
No lift for me, I'm an athlete! You will see the difference in your next wage. Merry Christmas!!
He bounded off.
Well well, a rise in time for Christmas. That was fortuitous. Or at least it would have been if I was staying in this cursed version of the multiverse.
I sighed and got in the lift. No rise for me though. I had a mission to accomplish.
My plan was relatively simple. Carlate had supplied me the location of the switch that she had used to trigger our cloud enablement. It was the very same switch she had flicked to bring us back from the cloud.
She couldn't have known but it was this action which sundered our universes and flung me into this horrifying alternate reality. I had to escape. So I had to find the switch and flick it.
I just had to find a way in to the 8th floor without being rumbled.
I got off the lift at my floor and made my way to my desk. Before I got there, a large bellied bear of the male variety lumbered up to me and opened its cavernous mouth in greeting.
BoomDawg!
It was El Jefe.
You know all that stuff you were saying about the automation project? You were right. We can't do it without suitable Test Resource! You want to come and join the team?
I tilted my Fedora up incredulously as if I were a seagull tilting my wing to make a landing on a small and barnacled rock.
And work with big fatty? No thank you.
I replied tetchily.
El Jefe bounced from foot to foot.
Ha! We let him go. Too much money and not enough results.
Hmm, alright then.
Oh right, cool. I will ping you the details.
El Jefe looked surprised by my easy acceptance and walked away whistling a jaunty tune through his big rubbery lips.
I looked after him and shook my head. It was a great offer but he wasn't to know that I intended to exit this timeline and head back to my own one where there was no such thing as wage rises and cool job opportunities. In essence, I had fobbed him off as if he were nothing but a cat rubbing its cheek enthusiastically against my himjiminy.
Was it me, or after my disastrous breakfast, things seemed to be working out in my favour?
Perhaps the multiverse was meddling directly in my affairs in an attempt to keep me here?
Well, no luck multiverse motherfucker. I'm going home and you can't stop me.
I turned heel and walked away from my desk back toward the lifts. It was time to do this.
As I strode out onto the landing my phone rang. It was the good lady.
Hey, fancy grabbing pizza tonight? You know we should eat take-out more often. It's been so hard with the two kids to cook meals it would be nice to make it easier on ourselves wouldn't it?
I took the phone away from my ear and looked at it suspiciously before placing it back.
Yeah, that sounds good baby. Hit me on the non donson later and I will bring them home.
I hung up. Very fucking good. If I needed a sign that the multiverse was throwing everything at me now then that was it.
I ran for the stairs taking them two at a time.
As I exited at the eighth floor I smashed the fire alarm at the door with my elbow. Instantly the alarms started ringing and people began obediently streaming out from their offices towards the stairs I had just vacated.
I hid in an alcove till they had passed.
The corridor was empty, the offices should be too. I hastily made my way to the 8th floor office. For once I didn't fall down the step at the entrance.
Darting to a curtain at the side of the office I pulled it back.
There! The switch.
Now all I had to do was flick it.
I stretched out a finger.
My phone buzzed again.
Dammit. I had a quick look.
It was Carlate. She had sent me a selfie which made all of my gussets creak. On it was the text.
Hey Mr Play hard to get, give me a call sometime. x
I steadied my breathing.
Focus. Must focus.
I raised my hand.
My phone buzzed again.
It was a text from the good lady.
Hey, You still want that drum machine for Christmas? :O)
I put my phone away and raised my hand again.
Just flick the switch Boomy, just flick it.
I exhaled hoarsely to myself.
A drum machine...
A massive-ish payrise...
I tried to raise my finger to the switch, it shook with the effort.
The good lady wants to eat take-out food more often?...
My finger moved closer to the switch, sweat streaming down my face from the effort.
Carlate wants me to 'Give her a call'...
I squinted through blurred vision at the switch which pulsed in and out of focus in front of me.
I dropped my finger.
Fuck it. This timeline ain't so bad. I tilted my hat rakishly on my head and walked away.
Into the multiverse...
