Boom, come here?
El-Jefe towered over my desk like a large bathtub of solidified porridge.
S'up Boss-Dawg?
I said chirpily as I raised myself up from my chair to follow his beckoning pork medallion of a finger.
He led us to the nearest meeting room and held the door so that he could close it with an angry thud behind me.
He took a seat and I did too. It looked like something was afoot, the boss man seemed perturbed. I wondered if he had got locked in the toilet again?
Right, how come when I have a meeting with people who give me hell you can have a meeting with them shortly after and it's a fucking bed of roses? I mean, I have heard you laughing and you all come out smiling?!
El-Jefe made a rumbling noise and I hoped that it wasn't coming from his belly. There was a distinct lack of snacks in the room and I didn't fancy him going all Hulk Hungry and attempting a munchy munchy on my beautiful thighs.
I just don't get it?!
He stood up with such a sudden flobbly wobbling that a Tsunami warning chimed in the Japans.
Maybe it is just the topics of the meetings? Maybe you have harder meetings with people over thornier subjects than I do?
I tried to be diplomatic by not telling him that he was an odious toad and that a lot of people thought he was a useless wanker.
They aren't harder!? I just came out of a meeting with No-Beans and the Kill Six. We were discussing the changing resource process.
I took a sharp intake of breath through my teeth. No Beans was the head of Finance for IT and the Kill Six were the nameless grey-suited sharks that followed him everywhere armed with Power BI dashboards and reports that could strip the flesh from a man faster than a shoal of piranha.
Ooft, how was that?
I tried to look empathetic, which involved thinking about the origin of belly button fluff and why some folk had fluffy, fresh and purple-ish stuff and others grey and cheesy mook.
It was SHIT! They literally fucked me up the arse and called me Maureen?!
El-Jefe thumped a hand down on the desk between us with petulant rage like a child finding a pickle in his cheeseburger.
They can be a little mean, that is true.
I stopped thinking about belly button fluff and switched to my empathetic watching videos of someone trying to skateboard down a flight of stairs face.
Mean!? I was slaughtered in there. They literally held me up against a wall and cut me open.
He huffed madly, his gaze on a faraway place where the word literally literally didn't mean what it did.
He broke off his gaze from Literally not literally land and turned back to me.
So how come you get preferential treatment? How come they cosy up to you? I've heard them you know.
He looked savage as he glared at me, like a car that smells the fancy super 97 octane fuel.
Och away with you. It's the same for me, some meetings are bad, and some are good.
I smiled. It had been ages since I had had a bad meeting.
El-Jefe narrowed his eyes.
Is it because you are funny. Mr Funny Man, cracking jokes and being rude all the time?
He cleared his throat and whinnied in a high voice.
Oh my turtle's eggs are killing me!!
He barked a sadistic-sounding laugh.
What the fuck is that? Is that meant to be me?!
I frowned disapprovingly with all of my brows.
HA! HAHA! Yes, it is me doing an impression of you!
He looked inordinately proud of himself as if he had managed to get an appointment with the Doctor in the same week he had phoned.
Well, fuck off. I would never say anything shit like that.
I folded my arms and sniffed in disdain.
You have, I have heard you.
His smile slipped and he went back into j'accuse mode.
I haven't so shoosh.
I gave him the flat stare.
Well, anyway. I am going to be all funny. See how meetings go with a bit of humour in them. Eh, that will teach them.
He waved me away with an imperious hand and I got up and left the room. As I was closing the door I heard him speak out loud as if practicing for a presentation.
I'm just like Batman but with turtle's eggs! Hahah!
I shook my head and closed the door.
Holy shit. The Cuckoo has landed.