Hey Boomster, you have a good new year?
Said one of my colleagues, Foosty Baws as he entered the meeting room.
Aye, it was magic.
I said with satisfaction as if I were a squirrel riding a horse.
Good, good.
Replied Foosty Baws.
He placed his water bottle on the table before him alongside his notepad.
It was a very tall water bottle. Made of metal with some fancy chilli pepper design on the side.
I marveled inwardly at its height. It must have been at least 12 inches and not man inches either.
Foosty Baws made a great show of unscrewing the lid before taking a small sip like a kangaroo in a drought supping from a withered teat.
How was your new year?
I asked to be polite even though I didn't give a fuck how his new year was.
It was good, thanks.
Some woman from Finance came in. We both nodded at her. She had a new-looking metal water bottle too. It was bright red and shiny with a big metal hoop at the top like a pirate's earring.
It's glittering stirred my inner magpie.
I looked at my shitey old water bottle. Cheap plastic, scuffed from aeons of drinking. I felt slightly embarrassed.
The door slamming open startled me out of my bottle envy. Everyone looked up as El Jefe banged his way in and sat down.
We all here?
He barked as if he were addressing a cast of thousands.
El Jefe opened his bag and pulled out a gargantuan blue metal container. He clanged it down on the table. It looked like an oxygen tank.
He wrestled with a complicated looking catch on top of it and a small spout sprang out which he then swigged from.
He slammed it back down again with a deep clonk and sighed like an old leather sofa being viciously sat upon.
Right, let's get started then. Oh, hey. Hang on, what's that?
El Jefe, frowned at something on the table. Something in my direction.
Everyone looked in the direction of his gaze which seemed to have fallen on my water bottle.
I picked it up and gave it a waggle.
It's my water bottle. You know, to drink water from?
Everyone winced.
What?
I said with genuine bafflement.
No-one had an issue with my water bottle before the festive break. I hoped that there weren't pictures doing the rounds of the office showing some scamp rimming himself with it whilst I was on holiday.
El Jefe broke the disapproving silence.
Nobody drinks from plastic bottles anymore.
He stated with a lofty arrogance.
They don't?
Deep down, I was starting to wonder if this was one of those stress dreams.
Foosty Baws leaned in, his earnest little face looking like two crabs fighting.
No. It's bad. Micro plastics you see. Safer to drink from metal bottles. This one was only twenty pounds, a bloody bargain.
Foosty Baws stroked the side of his expensive metal folly in a disturbingly familiar way.
Only twenty? I might buy two!
I lied with a big deranged smile.
They all nodded happily at getting another convert.
Inwardly I sighed. I think I will have to go thirsty from now on.