Today myself and the good lady were just chilling. Planning out things that we might do on the last day of my holiday before returning to the den of iniquity that is the place I call work.
Her phone bleeped and schizzled, the way phones do these days.
She checked it. It was our friends from down south. Hadn't we gotten their message? She turned to me in stark horror...
Oh no, I forgot! I had said to our friends the Pulpit's that they could swing by on their way up north for a mini break?!
The Pulpit's were a family we knew from way back when we were students. In fact, the good lady had shared a flat with Mamma Pulpit for a number of years. They had moved down south to England-shire a few years ago and we still saw them but not very often. They have four children.
They are what? Popping in? With the whole family?
My mind boggled. Our little house. There were already four of us without any guests. This was going to be a right old stramash. The Pulpit's brood range from 3 - 11. One girl and three boys.
I looked about my beautiful house wistfully. Knowing full well that in a matter of hours it would look tidier if I just set fire to it.
The good lady picked up the little boom who gave a half-hearted, sleepy wah.
Oh my god Daddy, look at the state of him, he needs a feed and a sleep before they arrive. They will be here in an hour. Can you sort out lunch for us all?
She fluttered her eyelashes.
In return, I gave her my dead man eating a fish eyes.
Sort out lunch. In an hour. For 9 people.
Thankfully the little boom didn't count as he was only eating carrot sticks just now. 9 people though, In an hour? At least it was straightforward lunch making. I mean, it's not as if I was making sandwiches for people with special dietary requirements...
Did I tell you that Amy and her daughter are vegan now?
The good lady enthusiastically shouted, as she stuck the little boom on one of her booben and settled into her well worn comfy spot on the couch.
What?! Fucking vegan? Why do these creatures keep haunting me?!
I grabbed my car keys.
Back in ten minutes, need to get some vegan cheese.
I trotted out of the door on the way to the shops muttering darkly about them being lucky that I wasn't going to serve them fromage d'homme.
It didn't take me long to track down some vegan cheese. It looked like regular cheese but with all of the fun sucked out of it.
Back home, I set about making a pile of sandwiches. I like to think I am quite the whizz in the kitchen so jazzed up the sandwiches with spicy paprika oil and a couple of quickly whipped up relishes. By the time the guests had arrived there was a pile of buffet nibbly food all ready to eat.
The four kids piled in and started tugging and pulling at various things about my living room. Not in silence of course. That would be weird. Instead, there were screams and shouts as if they had arrived in hell and found the rooms not to their liking.
It wasn't long before it was time to tuck in to the food.
The room became silent as everyone feasted.
I sat and smiled beneficently at the guests.
At one point, Amy looked up from her half-eaten sandwich.
This is marvellous, what is that smoky spicy flavour... It's amazing!
Why thank you!
I smiled like a golden god at her. It was nice to be appreciated.
What is it, is that paprika I can taste?
I nodded happily.
Oh yes, it's just a little oil with a bashed clove of garlic fried in it. Then half a teaspoon of paprika to give it that smoky backbone. Finally just to give it some depth I fried a little chorizo in it. Don't worry though. I fished it out toward the end! Pigs aren't really meat anyway.
Amy dropped her sandwich and looked sick, better than that her daughter Katie made a physical boaking noise.
I grinned and looked back and forth at everyone.
Only kidding vegans!! Tuck in, there is no meat here!!
Everyone groaned and rolled their eyes at Joker Daddy. I took some stuff away to the kitchen.
Or am I?
I murmured softly to myself
Mohohohowharrrr!!!!!