I prowled the dilapidated corridors of Ganymede like a caged animal, looking for clues that would help me crack this case. I was caffeine starved thanks to the vendetta being waged on me by the man who owned the coffee van outside.
He seemed to hold quite the grudge that I had said his coffee van was shit. The coffee too.
It might have been shit but at least it was still coffee and lord knows, I could have done with some right now.
I assessed what I knew about the case.
We had moved to a new office building. It was crap and in the middle of nowhere.
The Infrastructure guys were missing.
There was no coffee.
The three points didn't seem to be connected but like an old woman eating farts, I knew that EVERYTHING was connected.
I just had to put it all together.
I grimaced as I finished the last of the tea I was holding in a small porcelain cup. I looked at the cup in distaste and threw it against a nearby corner where it smashed into little delicate shards.
Beats me how anyone could ever think that it was more environmentally friendly to drink tea out of porcelain cups rather than the waxed paper cup of a good old cup of Joe.
I stopped, I thought I had heard something. What was it?
It had sounded like a damsel in distress, very faint though. As if she were an old car being muffled by a sock?
I looked around. Where was it coming from? The corridor stretched long in both directions. None of the offices nearby were occupied yet. It couldn't be one of them.
There! I heard it again. It was faint but definitely some kind of high pitched yelp. Someone was in trouble. I dipped my hand in my back-bin and produced an old and dirty looking stick. It was a shit stick that had served me well in previous adventures.
I slowly advanced, crouching, to where the noise had seemed to come from.
Halfway along the corridor, there was a short flight of stairs descending into a sort of half basement. There, I heard it again. It was definitely coming from down there.
I made my way down, stepping tentatively over the stairs in case of traps.
Please... No... Oh, god. Ooowww!
At the bottom was a tiled square hall with four doors branching off in each direction. The voice was yelping from the southern one. I could make out a deeper voice now. It sounded stern and commanding.
I inched toward the door, listening all the while.
Take it, go on take it!
The voice was followed by a resounding slapping noise and the yelp again.
It was torture, plain and simple, coming from the southern door. I braced myself outside it, then burst in brandishing my shit-stick before me.
Beyond the door, two men were wrestling, one of them was in a dreadful state, his trousers had fallen to his feet and the other man was beating him soundly on the buttocks with what looked like a hairbrush.
What the hell is going on here! You there, STOP!!!
I yelled at Brushy.
He looked up and dropped the brush in astonishment.
Oh shit.
He ran for the back door.
I made to follow him then stopped, the other man, Buttocks was hoisting his trousers up to his waist again, he was bright red, obviously with terror.
You, are you ok?
Buttocks shook his head slowly, he seemed to have something lumpy stuck in his pants at the front and squirmed as he pulled his trousers up over it.
Um, yeah, erm. Kind of. I had better go...
He finally fastened his trousers and made to walk past me.
I grabbed his arm.
Not so fast, Sparky. What was he trying to get out of you?
Buttocks squirmed out of my grip.
Nothing, he wasn't trying to get anything out of me. You are mistaken.
I shook my head. I know what I had seen. This was a classic kidnapping and torture. Buttocks was lucky I had come when I did.
Listen, he obviously didn't expect anyone to come down here.
Buttocks made a face like a fox on a Motorbike.
Well, thanks to you, nobody came.
He shook my hand from his arm, bizarrely he seemed annoyed and ungrateful?
I nodded thoughtfully. He was patently in shock.
Well I came, obviously. I came blasting in with my Shit-Stick and saved you.
Buttocks eyes widened as he saw the blunt and vicious looking Shit-Stick in my hand.
Well, you were the only one that came. Now excuse me, I have places to go, people to see.
He took two paces before turning.
Are you coming? Oh, I forgot, you already came, didn't you?
He made a strange high pitched laughing noise like a young horse on the deck of a ship in a storm-tossed sea. Then he flounced away as if his underpants were made of crispy chicken skin.
Curiouser and curiouser. I sniffed in puzzlement and only then noticed the strange and pungent odour in the air. Like old prawns. I followed my nose to the source of the smell.
It was near where Buttocks had been getting tortured. The floor covered with the crossings of what looked to be many slug trails.
I knelt down and took a closer sniff.
Yes, the old prawny smell was rank down here.
I rubbed a finger on the dried-in slug trails and rubbed it against my thumb. My eyes watered slightly. Before widening in shock.
Ganymede might not be Ganymede but this smacked of something Alien?! Not again??
I stood and tipped my Fedora forward.
Coffee bans, Aliens and strange abductions.
Perhaps things were just starting to get interesting.