I was having my breakfast coffee in the kitchen in the small hours of the morning. It had been a number of days since I had heard of the mysterious Eager Zero. My investigations had led nowhere and it was time for me to take stock.
The good lady entered, yawning like a lumbering creature of the deep.
Morning.
I ventured tentatively.
She shot me a look that could pickle cucumbers.
Thankfully my cucumber was safely ensconced in my boxers. Inwardly, I sighed for this tawdry and awful future I had found myself in.
I forced a smile at my erstwhile love. Surely, there had to be something of the frivolous filly I used to playfully club with my turkey twizzler left inside there? I thought to ask her advice.
I am on a case baby.
You're a headcase? Ha!
She barked, giving herself a pat on the back with a blackened claw.
No, I am on a real case. Trying to track something or someone that is called Eager Zero. No one is talking. I would give my left leg for some loose lips and I don't mean like an old Russian Ballet Dancer's.
The good lady looked long and hard at me. For a moment I had a glimpse of the lass I had left behind in another timeline.
Why don't you ask the universe?
She cackled bitterly at some private joke.
I downed my coffee in a one go and picked up my fedora.
See you later babycakes. Save me some of that sweet potato pie for later.
I got up and walked into the hall.
What potato pie? I haven't made a potato pie?!
She yelled from behind me.
I paused at the door, and looked over my shoulder.
I meant your damned vagina and no, that is not a euphemism!
I slammed the door behind me. It was time to take to the streets.
On the train to work I had time to contemplate this bizarre future I had found myself in.
The good lady had said Why don't you ask the universe? I had assumed she was just being a gnarly old boot but what if she wasn't? What if the universe was talking through her?
The tannoy announced the train's arrival at my stop. I flushed the toilet, wrinkling my nose slightly at my own freshly mined Hershey's Gold.
On exiting the station a young man with a shaven head stepped in front of me brandishing a magazine.
NME for Free?
He grinned.
I stopped dead.
An Enemy? Why would I want another Enemy?
Erm... It's free?
He said, his manic grin dropping slightly.
A free enemy? What the blazing fuckpots? Are you mad?
You don't have to take it?
He looked aggrieved now.
I pushed up close to him.
Damn right I don't kid. I ain't taking any of your shit. Now get out of my way.
I shoved him. Hard. He stumbled backward yelling about a madman. I looked about but I couldn't see one.
I decided to grab a coffee from the cafe beside my work. There was quite the queue. I cursed this future time I found myself in. There were never any queues in the past.
I was standing behind a couple of guys dressed like tramps. It didn't take much detectivity to deduce they had to be DBA's, no one else would dress in such a way. I almost dismissed them before noticing their name tags. They worked in my place.
I felt a frisson of excitement as if riding a horse and getting warm testicles. This had to be a sign from the Universe? I mean, what were the chances of bumping into some employees from the same firm as me in the cafe outside work just before nine?
I stepped closer to them so I could overhear their conversation.
... the crypt? They must have the key surely?...
Tramp DBA 1 looked around furtively and noticed I was standing within mere inches of his poorly clothed bottom. He shot me a glance that had secrets and lies all over it. He edged forward in the queue.
I pretended to look at my phone till they looked away.
Mad perv man, did you see? He was practically up ma arse?
I opened up a mail and fired it off to myself.
...Someone called Mad Pervman, practically up Mars?...
I hit send. It looked like there was some code or cypher being used; I would have a go at it later. The two Tramp DBA's carried on, ignoring me now.
So if we Eager Zero it, it will help but I don't know if it will take us back to where we were?
Hot flaming shit! There it was, a lead. I inched closer.
Tramp DBA 2 whipped round, our faces so close I could smell his wife.
Here you? What are you up to? Beat it!
He snarled.
Tramp DBA 1 scrunched his face up like a drowned person's foot and took a menacing step toward me.
I assessed my chances. I had faced tougher odds but my mamma always taught me that the pragmatist is the shagmatist.
I pulled a hand from my coat pocket and threw a bundle of change onto the floor at their feet.
Scramble...
At the unmistakable clink of coins hitting the floor there was bedlam, everyone in the cafe jostling and fighting to get the copper and silver treasure, including the trampish DBAs.
I picked my way over the seething bodies, wrestling and tearing at each other and picked up a random coffee from the counter.
It looked like some things in the future were not so different from the past.
I stepped toward the exit whistling a jaunty tune. So they want to go back to the past and somehow Eager Zero was part of that?
Well, well, well. I had a couple of leads and a coffee.
The future was looking brighter...
