Roll 'n sausage, BoomDawg!
El Jefe grinned and waved a paper bag at me. I thumped the monitor I was carrying onto a random desk and trotted over to where a few of the guys were sitting in the kitchen area of our new Edinburgh office.
It was my last day there. The manual labour that we had been drafted in to do was all largely done and we were being replaced by a strange bunch of pot-bellied men who were dragging in big cabinets of full of what looked like multi-coloured spaghetti.
I flumped down next to Charlie the Red who acknowledged me with a mouth full of what was hopefully bacon.
Awriii Boomfoff?
Charlie the Red mumbled through his mouthful.
I gave the bacon mouthed idiot a brutally handsome smile.
El Jefe passed me the bag containing my roll 'n sausage, a Scottish delicacy. Our sausages, unlike anywhere else in the world are square. Well, that's a lie. They are almost square. Slightly rectangular. They are most definitely not cock-shaped, the way the rest of the world seems to like their sausage.
I tucked into my breakfast and for the next ten minutes, the few of us at the table ate in companionable silence interrupted only by Charlie the Red's nasal grunts as he gamely attempted to breathe and chew at the same time.
As we were finishing up El Marron waddled over with his strange chimp-like gait.
When I saw him approach I rolled my eyes disdainfully.
Watch out, here comes fannybaws.
I muttered conspiratorially.
El Jefe snorted with laughter.
The Beast from the East!
He added gleefully.
I and Charlie chuckled. Since coming to Edinburgh El Jefe seemed to be a different person. He had developed a sense of humour and over the last few days, I found that I no longer felt like randomly attacking him and making him eat my morning poo.
El Marron stopped beside our table. A deeply suspicious look on his face at our merriment.
Aw aye, aw aye. Break time for you Glasgow boys eh. Yeez have only been in an hour?
I stood upright with a jerk. Everyone jumped. My eyes darted frantically left and right.
Hot shit? Can you hear that? Is that a fucking mouse? Does this place have mice?
I squawked in mock panicked tone.
El Marron's eyes darted about and he yipped a little in panic.
Whit ye talking aboot? This place is...
There is it again, I definitely heard a bloody mouse...
I cut El Marron off and looked about me quizzically stretching out a finger and waving it about till it came to rest pointing in El Marron's brown whiskered direction.
Oh it's you! Sorry, I thought we had mice!
I exclaimed over theatrically.
El Marron's face coloured.
Aye, very good. Get back to work ya lazy shower.
He stamped off muttering real swear words under his breath.
So BoomDawg, you putting in for a transfer to the Edinburgh office then?
Snickered El Jefe.
Aye, right!
I laughed and stuck my hand out for a high five. El Jefe slipped me the requisite amount of skin and we all giggled at the thought of anyone being mad enough to work for El Marron.
I looked at El Jefe. Was this the start of a new friendship? He had always been such a used condom of a man before. Perhaps we would end up the best of mates back in Glasgow? Getting honking mad drunk on Friday nights and fighting ruffians in the streets like bro-hams of the wild frontier?
I nudged Charlie the Red.
Anyway, we've got enough on our plates with the boss that we've got, eh Charlie?
Charlie guffawed like he had been hit in the happy sacks with a hammer.
El Jefe froze. His face looked like there were two kittens fighting under the skin. Then he frowned.
Let's keep it professional eh lads?
He stalked off in the same direction as El Marron.
I shook my head.
Ah well. Still an arse then.