And so, that is why we are looking to get assurances from everyone that they will attend the office at least twice a week.
El Jefe stopped pacing around in front of the meeting table and looked at us all in turn. There were about eight of us crammed into a small Covid-friendly meeting room.
We all looked back at El Jefe without blinking like weird lizard people. Hell, in my workplace some of my colleagues probably were lizard people.
I looked to my side at Kipper. His oily skin gleamed like shaved rats smeared in butter running across a rope in the moonlight.
Yep, fucking lizard.
Big Hettie, a monster of a woman shook her head fiercely at El Jefe.
No. No. No.
She tutted loudly and looked around for support.
A few people murmured in agreement and shuffled their feet. It was hardly a ringing endorsement.
Boom, lend a girl a hand?
She whispered fiercely like a Norse God of thunder.
I sighed, El Jefe had been on the rampage today as if he had tried to tickle a hedgehog's insides with his penis without realising it had turned itself inside out.
Rumour was abounding that he was about to get his jotters which in Scottish means getting sacked to fuck.
Boom?!
Big Hettie glowered redly at me.
Fucking hell, talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place. Big Hettie was not a woman to be crossed. She had such strong hands that even Elephants feared the thought of a hand shandy from her.
Boss man, two days a week, isn't that a contravention of our human rights?
El Jefe whirled like a giant ball of bacon on an electric spit. His eyes gleamed with delight as he saw that it was me joining in with the raining on his parade.
You... How come you're never inactive?
He snarled like Charlton Heston being manhandled by a damn dirty ape.
What do you mean?
I replied innocently whilst a leaded ball of dread formed in my stomach.
I got a report from Network Ops. We all did on our respective teams. My fucking team is hardly ever active. I mean, for fuck sake, you...
He rounded on Wetty yet another glistening candidate for Lizardhood in my team.
Last week your laptop was inactive for eighteen and a half hours?!
He snapped his head left and pointed one of his bratwurst fingers at Bernie-the-Woman.
And you, where were you last Thursday, you were only logged on from half past eight till just after nine?!
Bernie-the-Woman stuttered something about reviewing a document offline.
We all winced at that one.
But at least out of all of the reprobates on my team who never seem to be logged on there is someone who is a shining example of productivity. Someone who is never offline, never away, whose screen never locks through inactivity. Someone who is online from the very start of the day to the very end...
He stepped forward and doinked me in the shoulder quite deliberately with a grubby-looking index finger.
Hopefully, it wasn't the one he stuck up his arse when masturbating.
I thought of my amazing wheeze of putting an optical mouse on an old watch so that my screen would never lock. It was a fantastic trick. Nobody ever really knew if you had decided to spend half an hour on the toilet playing Tetris or jiggle your kumquats in the shower for an hour.
You ain't got nothing on me, copper.
I smirked like a moustachioed man driving a Chevy with the top four buttons of his shirt undone.
El Jefe's face darkened to the colour of a bruise on a corpse's neck. He looked ready to explode. Then he took a deep deep breath and let it out slowly.
His hands waved out and down as if fending off guinea pigs.
When he spoke again his voice wobbled with forced calm.
Look, guys. It's been flagged. We all have to make more of an effort. We have all... you know... so that's how it is.
He looked around beseechingly, for once almost disturbingly human. More fool him because if the Lizards thought he was human they would have no qualms about eating him and wearing his skin.
Hang on, we? Did you say we?
I pursed my lips like a Japanese office worker browsing the Tentacle Porn section of his local supermarket.
Huh? Yes, we all need to up our game.
El Jefe grunted exasperatedly.
You got caught!
I blurted out excitedly
Like a real blurt not the shit blurt that ex Hive scammers get banished to
What?! No, I didn't?!
El Jefe's eyes darted about madly as if the buttered rats were swarming the floor toward him for revenge.
You so did. That's why you have been in such a mood! Wahaha!!
I proclaimed loudly like only the man with a perfect never idle laptop could do.
This conversation is over.
El Jefe glared at us all and then stamped out of our little room.
I snorted with merriment.
I saw the big skiving bastard in Waitrose last week in the middle of the afternoon so I think you could be right.
Grunted Big Hettie.
Did he see you?
No, I hid.
She said with pride as if she had finally snared the guy who fixes the printers.
I rolled my eyes.
Fucking amateurs.