I strode into work just after 9 AM like a handsome King on his way to collect freshly baked doughnuts.
As I strutted past the nodding dogs on reception I doffed my fedora grandly to them.
Evening, wastrels.
I called, knowing that such wordplay with the times of day was bound to make their heads melt.
The security guard stepped nervously forward to bar my way. I snorted like a fifty year-old high on cocaine wearing double denim and waved my pass.
Like fallen wheat, he retreated back into his box.
Entering the lift I thumbed the button for the basement enthusiastically like the lift was my lover and I had just eaten a plate of oysters.
As the doors were closing a red-faced man in a lurid reflective vest got in with me.
You goin down mate?
He said jovially.
If you are asking for me to munch on your penis then you are sorely out of luck today my red-faced friend. There is, however, a tramp outside that will do anything for a cigarette. Anything... I think her name is... Your maw.
He might have flushed red with anger, it was hard to tell with his already weather-beaten face.
I ignored him. I was in a case-busting mood and having roasted my cockles over the fire the night before felt like nothing was gonna stop me today. Bloody Aliens. Time to pony up and get out of town.
I exited the lift after Red-Face stomped out. He gave me a dirty look as he left. I tilted my head and made a mooing face.
I stepped out into my old stomping ground. The basement. I looked around wistfully. I had spent some good times down here. I think I first saw Carlate here. Her heels clicking deep holes into my soul. I closed my eyes and savoured that thought for a moment.
Everything went blank.
What the hell? Had I just fallen asleep? It seemed that way? Yet, who could possibly fall asleep standing up and not fall down?
True, the little boom had been particularly active during the night lately meaning little sleep for his parents but I preferred less esoteric theories.
It must have been the Aliens.
Were they worried I was getting too close to their lair?
I gave myself a shake, inhaling the cool slightly damp air through my nostrils and headed for the door to the old office I worked in. The office that was now inhabited by The Clivvers.
If anyone knew anything he would. He was probably in there right now vaping with an Alien, laughing about the mess left on the stairs. The mess that I had unwittingly stumbled into just two weeks past.
I contemplated knocking on the door but decided just to barge in unannounced. Me and The Clivvers had history, he wouldn't mind.
The door flew open at my shove.
What the FUCK!
Roared Red-Face over his shoulder as tried to withdraw his purple jolly from a lady perched precariously on a desk, her legs doing their best impression of ten past nine.
I covered my eyes in fright and staggered to the side as if punched, the image of his doughy buttocks lingering behind my eyelids like the afterimage of an eclipse.
You fucking pervy bastard!
Screeched the lady who was having her banjano cleaned.
I opened one eye in time for me to see and dodge a wild swinging punch from Red-Face. His trousers were puddled around his ankles which hampered his movement somewhat and he was roaring something about fucking beasts. I ducked another wild swing and peeked around him.
She didn't look like a fucking beast. Maybe the Aliens were manipulating his reality?
Is this The Clivvers office?
I squawked, dodging the punchy rage of Red-Face.
He stopped swinging briefly, his face crumpling like a well-used tissue in confusion.
Is this a clever orifice? You cheeky BASTARD! I WILL KILL YOU!
I ducked another haymaker only to find myself on hand and knee staring head-on at his tall ship. I yelped and crab-walked backwards out of the door in a hurry before flipping myself around and running proper.
I threw myself into the still open elevator and thumbed all of the buttons for up. The doors closed, the lift whined and began to move.
Phew.
I took some deep breaths. Obviously, I could have taken the red-faced gorilla out at any time with a well-placed punch to the neck but I had held back. They might not have known it but whilst they played Purple Percy and Mauve Mabel my eyes had taken in everything around them.
The Clivvers was gone.
Of course, he could have moved office or even desks but I opened my hand and examined the clue I had palmed from the floor.
It was a strange translucent half globe with a thick rim obviously of Alien origin. It stank of fish and that queer alien musk from the stairwell. My hand glistened where some of its paste-like interior had leaked out.
My heart sank. The Aliens had obviously got him.
It looked like this case was becoming interesting.
