My Wife!?

Good afternoon, sir. Would it be at all possible to speak to your wife?

A silky voice slipped out of the earpiece of the landline phone which I had hurriedly picked up after the initial fright at it actually ringing.

My wife? Of course, not a problem. May I ask what it is regarding?

I breathed back in a tone almost as silky as the one I was answering.

Silky on the other end paused for a brief second. Obviously to try and chase away the erection my voice had caused.

I'm afraid not, sir. I can only speak with your wife.

Silky's voice was laden with regret as if he were informing me of his reluctance to share my salt beef bagel for religious reasons.

I understand. Hang on, I will go and fetch her.

I put the phone down on the table and banged my feet on the floor as if I was walking away.

Moments later I picked up the phone again.

Hellooooo, I am the wife? Can I elp oo?

I squeaked in a ridiculous voice.

Hello. Is that, Mrs Boom?

Replied Silky doubtfully as if he had just unfurled a condom onto his wanger and noticed some sweetcorn stuck to the top of it.

Yes my darling, that is I and by 'I' I mean we and of course by 'we' I mean me... Which of course, is I.

I half squawked in a way that any man from the eighties would find irresistibly sexy.

Hmm. Ok.

Silky didn't sound convinced. Not did he sound quite so silky anymore.

Nevertheless, he ploughed on.

I'm calling about the car accident that you were in recently.

He said.

Oh goodness. No! Not the damn accident. I told Humphrey, my husband, that it was all that damn pig's fault!?

I warbled deliriously.

Sir, this is still you, isn't it? This is not your wife??

Silky was sounding cross as if I had shat in his favourite hat.

How dare you!?

I thundered.

I AM my wife!?

I thundered even more loudly.

Sir, your are not your wife, you are a man!

Silky declared indignantly.

SHE'S A MAN!? In that case she is NOT MY WIFE!

I yelled.

The phone line clicked as Silky hung up.

Oh well, back to Lockdown.