How do they feel?
The Optomaton brandished a mirror at me with a self-satisfied air. He had peculiarly bendy thumbs which made the spines on my back bristle with distrust.
Who knew what crevices such thumbs had plumbed?
Despite my distrust of his heinous digits, I looked in the little mirror he offered and turned my head this way and that as if a cheap chiropractor had just given me one of their shonky adjustments.
Mmm, are they squint?
I murmured hesitantly.
The Optomaton frowned and nudged my face toward him with one of his bendy thumbs.
No no, no. No. Nooo. No, I don't think so.
He palmed the mirror at me again and I looked into its depths.
I had just been fitted for new glasses which were a different style to the ones I had been wearing for the past four years. What with lockdown and all that Covid shit, I had skipped a few eye appointments.
Now, I sat looking at my new glasses in his little mirror.
Maybe it was because they were new. Maybe it was because I was getting old and stuck in my ways.
Maybe, It was a mild hangover tickling at the base of my self-esteem.
But I wasn't sure I liked them. They were rounder than my old ones. They dipped downward like an old vegan's bottom.
Definitely not squint. Straight as a die. Straight as an arrow. Straighter than... um, straight.
The Optomaton stuttered to a halt and I mentally sneered at his lack of wordery.
I examined myself once again in the fucking oversized spoon the Optomaton used as a mirror.
I was not entirely convinced but what could I do. Sometimes you have to embrace change like it's an Elephant that has rampaged through the clearing you set up your illegal still in and just roll with it.
Aye ok, Thank you. I will take em.
I nodded grimly to myself. Fuck it. I could do with a change and anyway, indecision is for the weak.
I picked my shit up and tipped an imaginary hat at Bendy-Thumbs the Optomaton.
If you need anything adjusted, just pop in and let us know!
He called out, somewhat desperately.
I'll crack the jokes bumthumbs.
I muttered, hitting the door with my hand and stepping out into the brisk chill of a Scottish summer.
I drove home, occasionally risking death by trying to look at myself in the mirror as I went.
The glasses were growing on me, I thought I had made a good choice. Mentally I patted myself on the back. Another job well done Mr Boom and no one had had to die in an inferno of screaming lizards and wildfire.
Today was looking up.
As I arrived home to my loving family my spirits were back up at the usual 3000%. I looked the fucking bomb in these new specs. I couldn't wait to see the family's reaction when they saw them.
I braced myself as I opened the front door for their amazement and wonder at this handsome and distinguished gentleman who was entering their lives.
Guys, I'm home!!
I stepped into the lounge and threw my arms wide.
Whatdya think dudes!
I grinned at the children and my beautiful amazing Good Lady. Readying myself for their praise and adulation,
Daddy, you look like Harry Potter!
Yelled the Little Lady with delight.
Blumming heck so you do! Harry Potter!
The Good Lady guffawed and clapped her hands.
I looked at them all in disbelief.
Harry fucking Potter?!? Fuck you guys.