The good lady and I stared in abject horror at the ringing coming from the corner of the lounge. It sounded exactly like a house phone but our house phone never rang?
I ventured forward, the good lady tugged me back ineffectually.
What is it? What is that noise?!
She squealed, her face as pale as an albino's penis.
It's the house phone baby, let go. I have to answer it. I have a feeling it's important.
I managed to pull free of her and advanced on the corner where the house phone lurked.
But we don't even have a house phone!!?!
The good lady cried as I approached the plastic serpent that was the house phone. I shook my head, the good lady has never been good with philosophy. Just because it never rang didn't mean it never should. I mean, just because we never played hide the purple monkey anymore didn't mean we never should...
Did it? Should it? Would it?
I shook my head like a wet bull to rid myself of such nigelistic ideas.
There. In front of me in the corner of the room behind the TV was an old and dusty telephone. Its ring still stridently piercing the air. I picked it up with a finely muscled hand, ripe from years of shake'ing it off.
Who is this?
I barked into the receiver.
A sibilant hissing echoed from the earpiece. The hairs on my handsome neck stood on end. The hissing became a crackling and then as if from very far away a distorted voice spoke.
Sir. I am calling about the recent motor accident you had?
What? What accident? I had never been in a motoring accident? I was about to slam the phone down in fury when it clicked. Aaahhh, I understand what's going on.
I had never been in an accident... Not yet at least. Carlate's words rang in my head.
...rewind past the pain points of last year... move forward... Into the future...
Everything suddenly made sense. Of course, I had never been in an car accident but I was shortly due to travel through time in a fiendish experiment conducted by the ravishingly sexy monster that was Carlate.
It was obvious that in the future I travelled back to the past and in the past I had an accident in which this fellow was calling me about in the present.
So you are telling me I will have an accident?
No sir, you did have an accident.
Of course I did, at least to you I did but to me I didn't because it hasn't yet happened... How do we move forward with this. Shall I call you in my future which is your present about my past?
The phone went dead.
Dammit.
A potential lead, gone. Up the swanny as they say in Canada.
I turned back to the good lady. She stood, tears cascading down her velvet cheeks.
Darling, I heard. Your work is going to throw you through time itself? How can this be happening? How did it come to this?
I stepped over to her and cradled her in my arms like a baby deer.
I don't know lass, it all started with the Shadow I.T. and now it looks like it is ending on the 8th floor.
Will you come back? I can't lose you again!
She sobbed into my manly shoulder.
I stared bleakly over her shoulder at the rain battering down outside.
I'll be back lass. I'll be back...
The following week passed in a haze of detectivity. I met with The Clivvers twice more to hand him vital documents pertaining to the progress being made on the 8th floor.
Each time we met his eyes left greasy skid marks on my soul. I knew I was supping with the devil but that's just part of being a detective, like wet farts at Christmas.
In between Carlate rode me hard for output. I gave her all I had and a little more besides. It seemed to sate her.
In no time at all, the day of the great unveiling arrived. Meeting invites were sent and the great and the good of my organisation were invited to the 8th floor.
I wore my best for the unveiling. Fedora, long coat and off-white shirt. I hadn't travelled through time before and secreted a couple of extra spoons about my person in case of trouble.
I stood among the small crowd gathered on the 8th. Carlate strutted back and forth. Her clothing impossibly tight. As if she was an eight foot alien that had caught and slaughtered the real Carlate before jamming themselves in her skin.
Her red lips gleamed in triumph as she spoke.
As PM I am pleased to declare the delivery of Phase 1 is complete. We promised to deliver an initial cloud solution and have done so. Lights!
The lights dimmed. The room went silent.
Carlate's heels clicked like varnished testicles knocking together in a small bag as she paced before us.
I noticed movement to my right. The Clivvers lurked on the periphery of the crowd. He nodded at me. I nodded back with my head.
Neil?
Carlate barked.
Someone began to lower themselves to the floor before her then quickly rose as Neil stepped up beside Carlate, shiny laptop in hand.
Neil, please connect to the cloud instance of our TNG platform.
The Neil tapped a couple of keys on his laptop and the giant screen before us came to life. I half expected a Delorean to materialise and screech to a halt before us. It didn't.
Carlate looked at the screen on which some text was scrolling on a small black terminal window. Neil nodded at her enthusiastically as if he was humping her leg in his favourite dog outfit.
It's done. We are connected. Neil, can you ping the server please?
The Neil nodded vigorously again, obviously nearing the vinegar stroke.
Done, sub 20 milliseconds.
There was an audible gasp from the onlookers. Was this it? Had we travelled through time?
Carlate stepped forward.
Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome... Welcome to the future.
Everyone clapped enthusiastically. I was astonished. Was that it? I barely felt a thing? I turned to the person nearest me. It was Sad-Arse.
Sad-Arse, is this it? Is this the future?
He gave me a queer look, as if I had stolen one of his Chinchillas.
Yes Boomdawg, we are now in the future.
He laughed then moved off toward the exit. Everyone was drifting out now. I headed out also. As I travelled down the elevator to leave the building I gazed curiously around me. Everything looked so same'y.
I exited the building into the wan evening sunlight. I looked around.
So this is the future? It doesn't look so different from the past?
I nodded to myself and pulled up my collar against a sudden draught. Time to head home to the good lady...
I had a purple monkey and she had just the place to hide it.
