You think the Chinese then?
The Good Lady called from the kitchen.
Her voice was coloured with a strange mixture of fascination and fear.
I looked up from my laptop where I had been watching the pounding waves from the sea of red crash into my crypto portfolio.
The Chinese? Of course, how could I have missed that! Here was me reading the latest scare stories circling around Elon Musk and his fat-fingered fudging of the cryptosphere when all along it was nefarious never do-welling from the Chinese and their cheeky crypto-regulatory ways.
I flicked away from my flaccid portfolio and instead started browsing the twitters for the very latest verified and free from falsehood crypto stories.
It was true, the Chinese were cracking down big style. Threats of outlawing the good ship Crypto and all who farmed in her.
This was not on. Not on at all. But what could we do?
Perhaps that sappyhamilton guy could start a class action lawsuit against them, that would work... Surely?
Yeah, right.
I chuckled and gave myself a knowing poke in the ribs.
Then something else caught my eye. China were not outlawing crypto. The whole FUD and distress was due to a scare story by Reuters.
This was starting to sound a whole lot like late 2017 when the banks pulled the big guns out and started scattering the cryptosphere with nonsense about it going to zero/being outlawed and trotting out various authority figures to tell us we were all being very silly for being involved in it.
But when you dug deep, it didn't really seem to be China that was the cause.
Not the Chinese, chick.
I yelled back from my investigatory recline on the sofa.
Oh, what about the Indians?
She yelled back at me in the way of married couples who literally cannot be arsed moving a few steps to be in the same room as their other half.
The Indians? Fuck? Surely it couldn't be them? They were on their knees from the COVID. Why would they orchestrate some kind of grand crypto dump?
I started tapping away at the Twitter search bar like a teenager from a nineties hacking movie.
There was nothing about India dropping some brown bombs from space on to the good planet Crypto.
Nah, not the Indians.
I yelled back at her.
Oh, well what will we do then?
The Good Lady squawked back in annoyance.
I nodded happily. This is what I liked to hear. Normally the Good Lady stayed well out of all my crypto shenanigans but it was good when she showed an interest.
Well, everyone is pretending that it is cool and they are good with it and coming out with all the 'weak hands being shaken shit.' I tend to ignore them as most of them are lying or shitting their pants and selling at a huge loss.
I grinned, despite her not being able to see.
I will do as I always do. Ride it out till the good times come again. Its only fucking magic internet money anyway.
I flicked away from the bad tidings of twitter and checked my Hive feed, giggling at some of the attrociously written posts telling all and sundry that everything was going to be ok and that the charts said blah blah blah.
The Good Lady swished into the room.
I noticed she was wearing a skirt today and for a moment felt a frisson of fear that her ravenous vagina was not locked firmly away under layers of denim.
Daddy-Bear, are you talking about that stupid crypto again? I'm not talking about crypto. We were going to order takeout remember?
She pursed her lips and rode my mind-pony with her stern eyes,
Oh, takeout... I getcha. Ok, Chinese then.
I smiled.
She frowned back and then remembered we were a loving couple and smiled.
So, what is the latest drama in crypto then? Markets crashed again? Are there more bears coming?
She looked at a random chart of red death on my laptop.
Well, yes actually. The markets have crashed again and no-one really knows why. Just lots of theories.
My laptop made a debonair fwupping noise as I closed it.
No one knows why? Isn't it because the whole crypto thing is full of liars and bullshitters who have no idea about finance and believe everything they read on twitter and just react all the time?
She said casually, taking the laptop and flipping it back open to get the takeout ordered.
I barked out a short laugh.
Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.