You must be feeling awful.
The Durgan said in it's deep and hollow voice.
It leaned its elbows on the table between us and gave me a searching look as if to greasily fiddle with my soul.
At that point, an errant jalapeño fell from my sandwich and I spent the next half a minute trying to hook it with a finger back onto my plate. Being a cheap jalapeño it was quite a slippery squishy customer and took a few swipes.
Once I had it, I looked back up at The Durgan.
Awful? Oh no. I got it back, see?
I tilted my sandwich to show how amazing and dextrous I was with my nimble fingers. Fingers that had been known to devil a lady's eggs for breakfast.
What? What are you talking about?
The Durgan creaked angrily in its chair across from me. Things that looked like flakes of skin from a drowned dog flew from its mouth. Or they might have been tuna.
The jalapeño?
I said uneasily.
I was ball deep in The Durgan's lair. To make it angry would be foolish but it seemed that I had upset it somehow and it was only getting worse.
What jalapeño?
It shook its head back and forth belligerently.
Underneath its face, an awful bushy thatch of something that looked like dry and crackly seaweed thrashed angrily too as if to offer moral support to the foul creature on which it lived.
Um, the jalapeño that fell out of my sandwich which is delicious by the way?
I beamed happily to show The Durgan that I was actually a good sort and not the kind of thing it should get all hot and bothered about.
I wasn't talking about your sandwich, I was talking about your father!?
The Durgan roared as if he were a lion trying to sleep in the midday sun and I was a hyena relentlessly attempting to sniff his arse.
Sorry, my Father passed away. Didn't you know?
I said as politely as possible.
The Durgan turned purple and began to unfold itself from its chair. Its awful limbs uncoiling as it rose to its full height of over six feet.
Yes I bloody knew, that's why I was asking if you felt AWFUL?!
It bellowed.
At that point, the door opened and the Good Lady danced in with the children in tow.
Hey guys, how are you getting on? You two having a nice chat?
She smiled happily at both her men.
Oh yes, tickety boo.
Her Father, The Durgan smiled adoringly as he answered his beloved daughter.
Oh yes. We were talking about jalapeños!
I said brightly.
The Good Lady laughed and shook her head at my daftness for all things chilli.
That's great, I love to see you guys get on.
She smiled radiantly at us.
I walked around the table to stand beside The Durgan giving it a big pat on the shoulder.
Well, we are getting on splendidly! Eh?
I grinned at it.
The Durgan made a mumphing noise before giving me a strained smile back.
Yes.
It croaked.
Splendidly.