Waaaggggghhh!!??!
I ran into the house from the garden, past the Good Lady, screaming and waving my hands in the air like those weird inflatable things you see outside car showrooms.
What in the hell has gotten into you?
The Good Lady asked in a manner that was far too calm for the situation at hand.
Death beast!!! DEATH BEAST!!
I gasped as I flung myself behind our sofa where one of my secret knives was hidden.
If I could only reach my knife, I might have a chance against the DEATH BEAST. I fumbled with the metal box in which it lay hidden.
What the funkz...It was gone!?
Slowly I lifted my head up from behind the sofa to find the Good Lady staring at me, her head tipped to one side as if she wasn't quite believing my famous story about foreskins.
Hey. Have you seen my secret knife?
I sputtered in a miffed tone as if one of the children were playing U2 on the stereo again.
You mean the dangerous, not sure it's entirely legal in this country, knife that I put safely away in the garage because we have children and stupid Daddy's shouldn't be leaving such things about where kids can reach?
The Good Lady sounded awfully stern.
Um. Yes. That the very one.
I smiled the smile that my mechanic smiles at me when he tells me that the bushes on my front wheels need replacing.
It didn't seem to work.
Why the hell have you got a knife like that in the lounge!?
The Good Lady barked.
It's my secret knife in case intruders get in the house. You know, so I can defend us all?
I stood up to save my poor old knees which were getting achey from all the DEATH BEAST hiding I was doing behind the couch.
Are you seriously telling me, you keep a 'secret' knife behind the couch in case intruders get in and you have to defend the family!?
The Good Lady's voice had become quite shrill and squawky as if she had never heard of anything so preposterous.
I mean, it wasn't preposterous at all. Doesn't everyone keep secret weapons stashed all around the house for such an occasion?
I opened my mouth to defend myself further but the Good Lady was on a roll.
And what the hell is this mysterious death beast you were shouting about!?
She tapped her foot randomly out of time like a jazz guitar player.
Oh. Ahem, yeah. It was a bee. You know I'm kinda scared of them...
A bee.
She shook her head then frowned.
And wait a minute. What if the intruders come in downstairs but you are upstairs... what good is your secret knife then!?
I made to speak then suddenly clamped my mouth shut.
Wait... You don't have more stashed about the house do you?
The Good Lady's suspicious gaze drilled into me.
Hell baby, of course not. That would be nuts. Wouldn't it?
I held my arms up and to the side as if weighing an elephant's boobs.
Hmm...
The Good Lady harrumphed before stamping out of the room shaking her head.
Once she was gone, a mad cackle bubbled up from deep inside me.
Oh yes, that would be completely nuts...