Back again you blighters? It must be my comforting bosoms!
Well after last weeks splendid initial instalment, I was not at all surprised to find my chatbox absolutely brimful of requests for sagely advice in the ways of Steemit and indeed the world. And today I thought on these...
I left the gentlemans club this afternoon having spent a splendid time imbibing gin with fellow men of substance spoiled only by the waiter's terrifyingly small hands. As I stepped into the street, an unwashed fellow thrust a torn paper cup at me asking if I could...
Tap him a few bob?
I was aghast at the impertinence. I started wrestling with my belt in the frantic way a Duke would at a brothel and prepared to give him a damn good leathering with it.
Alas, he took frit at this and scarpered tootsweet, calling over his shoulder as he ran.
Aye awrite! Who shat in your handbag anyway?
What the blazes, I don't have a handbag? Did he mean my portmanteau? Clearly the mans senses were addled by a lifetime of coarse liquor and rough hessian clothing.
I find it dashed preposterous that a fellow cannot step a foot unmolested on the streets these days without a stout cane and a masterly amount of facial hair to chasten the needy from under his feet.
Which of course brings me to this edition of Thursday's with Uncle Boom. It seems that even the hallowed streets of Steemit are infested with grasping sorts, eager to skin a man for a ha'penny.
Still. My charity is boundless and as I have previously stated. I am here to help. Although I must add, I fully intend to haud oan to my ha'penny.
Lowland Scots vernacular -A boorish exhortation to ladies to remain chaste.
So on with the advisements. I expect in no time at all I shall be knee deep in congratulatory missives thanking me for turning round lives.
Spam_Farmer1: I have a cool contest idea, are you interested?
Uncle Boom: Well, this is splendid. Of course dear fellow. I do love a contest. In fact in my day I was quite known for my pluck when it came to the jousting. What manner of contest is it?
Spam_Farmer1: Not sure. I will let you know when I get the proper idea. 10 Steem should be enough for the first week.
Uncle Boom: We shall meet anon.
Spam_Farmer1: I will need the steem before I make my post.
Uncle Boom: What steem?
Spam_Farmer1: Will you send it?
Uncle Boom: What? Wait, will I fucking what?! You scamming popinjay! You think you can shit in a sandwich and tell me its jerk chicken? How very dare you. Begone from my sight!
Next.
Spam_Farmer2: Support me friend - somerubbishlink
Uncle Boom: Support you? What in the dickens do you think I am? Some type of elasticated hosiery? Perhaps a girdle?
I am happy support you to a height of at least 1 foot off the ground via a swift kick up the arse if you darken my door again you fiend. Now get off my land.
As you can see I am eminently suited to this task of advisement. I have long been known for my empathy and compassion. I know that I can help where help is needed most.
Just like tears from a bulls penis can cure warts (you have my word.) You can be guaranteed that advice from an upright gentleman such as myself can soothe the sorest of hearts.
Write me a letter in the chat of steemit. I guarantee your anonymity. I can never stress enough...
